Just getting it off my chest!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Just getting it off my chest!!
Fri, 12-19-2003 - 9:47pm
I phoned my youngest sister at work this afternoon. I have actually called her several times at home and left messages. I also emailed her half a dozen times at least with no response. At the end of November my 88 year old Mom had a mild heart attack. As it turned out she is fine. She lives with my second sister in England and both my sisters were appalled that I didn't jump right up and book a ticket to go over there right away. Apart from the fact that a ticket from here with no advance notice was $3,000, as I chat to my Mom every day on the phone, I didn't feel it necessary to rush right over there. My youngest sister did acknowledge that becuase I get on the best with my Mom, that was why I didn't feel like I had to go there when she was sick. I didn't feel guilty. Not that its their fault that they don't get on as well. For some reason I can do no wrong and they can do no right. But this is how my mother sees them - not becuase of anything THEY do.

The thing is that my second sister and my Mom and I all find my youngest sister to be very aggressive and bossy. I find her very condescending. She can give her negative opinion to me on what she thinks I am doing wrong , but if I dare to voice any negative comments to her - woe betide. She tells me exactly what she thinks, in what I consider to be a very condescending way. She will use extremely long superior words - that is how I know she is being condescending. I listen and I am prepared to consider what she says. HOWEVER, if I dare to suggest that ANYTHING she does might be not something I would agree with - I get this total tirade!! If I try to defend my opinions - I get "no - no - let me finish - let me finish" and the sermon continues!

One time I did make some comment about her being aggressive and she got furious with me and told me that yes she was assertive but that she was offended that I might suggest she was aggressive. So now I dont voice any opinions.

She has a boy and a girl. They are both in their 20s. About 5 years ago, her son totalled two of her cars in one year. The second time he was drunk and only avoided being arrested because he abandoned the car after the accident. The next year he was "wrongly" arrested - he failed a breathalizer test early in the morning but of course, the only reason he was sitting in the driver's seat of the car was becuase he was getting his cigarettes!! He seems a lot better now but he has only worked for 3 months in the past year. My sister either loves or hates her daughter - depending on which day of the week it is. A few years ago my Mom was appalled when she was there and the daughter called my sister a "f--ing b-tch" in front of my mother! At the moment my sister is feuding with her daughter, who still lives at home, becuase the daughter is using an $18,000 line of credit to pay for her car. The line of credit belongs to my sister and she is trying to get the daughter, who has a well paying job - to get a loan but so far has not succeeded.

Anyway, now I come to the venting part. On the phone I mentioned that my granddaughter's Mom is coming back to the city, after being gone for about 2 years. I said that we have all decided that for my granddaughter's sake, we are going to try to get along. I think its bad enough that she has to contend with the fact that her mother was selfish enough to go away all that time, without also having to contend with a lot of family arguing etc. I said that I thought that in any breakup it was certainly better for everybody, especially a child, if the adults could be amicable.

Then my sister said in a very condescending voice that she considered that my granddaughter would have to darn well accept that her parents did not want to be together and it was ridiculous for us to be nice to her mother!! I couldn't really see the logic of this and then she said that she thought the mother was a total moron and I must be stupid to try to get along with her. I had to bite my tongue -- I wanted to ask what the difference was between the mother and her own daughter who swears at her and refuses to get a car loan and give her her line of credit back!!! At one point I did say that lots of young people are stupid when they are young. I said "your kids were stupid in their day." She then got mad becuase she said she was offended that I would suggest her kids were stupid - that they may have done stupid things, but were not stupid!!

How do you handle a person like that. If I know someone who drives drunk - they are a total moron. If its her son - he is just going through a bad phase. If I know someone who treats their mother like cr*p - this person is a total moron too but her daughter - I guess is also going through a bad phase!


I just listen and say nothing.