Just need to vent!

Avatar for deenow17
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Just need to vent!
13
Tue, 04-12-2011 - 11:58am

And be told I'm making too much of this situation. And that I need to grow up but that it's ok to be hurt.

Past history, family occasions have always been big events in our family and ones that all of us looked forward too. However, life changes & I get that, I guess. My DD told me that she has to work all Easter weekend from 2 to 10 each day which means no family Easter dinner will fit into her schedule. I understand & can live with that. So said I would do it the weekend before or the weekend after if she wanted. She said sounds great. Then I found out that this weekend is the best for the rest of the family & again when I mentioned it to her, she said sounds good. I will just confirm with my fiance. Well, you can guess where this is going. All of a sudden it's too much effort to come north where the event is planned for Sat night. Everyone had wanted the meal up at our new home which is 90 mins north of the city. Now DD says move dinner back to the city and make it for Sun night since she will be coming then anyhow as we babysat on Mon/Tues while she works from 6 am to 2 pm. When I said that won't work for her brother's fiancee as she is working, DD asks if she needs to be there. I was so angry that I replied, saying well then does your fiance need to be there? Which she didn't like at all. fyi, she really likes her brother's fiancee.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Tue, 04-12-2011 - 1:45pm

I don't have much by way of advice but wanted to chime in with a Hug and I don't think you are being selfish or that you need to change, etc.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009
Tue, 04-12-2011 - 1:51pm
Ahhh, I feel so bad for you. I've read of mothers feeling like they're losing their daughters in this type of manner. IME, it's usually the opposite, with mothers of sons losing them on holidays to the fiancee/wive's families.

My only child, a son, won't be coming home for Easter, either. We were never big into extended family dinners (cause my family is insane), but my little family always celebrated holidays together. It does hurt, and I hope ya'll are able to work it out.



 

Avatar for deenow17
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Tue, 04-12-2011 - 6:04pm
Thanks for the hug, I needed it!

I think he is intimidated by DD's background, life choices & our family. I don't think it's so much he thinks his family is better but he may feel a bit insecure. DD grew up in a much more sophisticated lifestyle, has traveled & lived in many countries and she has a university degree. He managed to talk her into delaying her masters a few yrs ago which she regrets now because it's hard to go back with a child & mortgage. He grew up in a small town & didn't enjoy school so never continued very far after high school. He went to the high school his Mom taught at & she controlled his courses. DD has a career & he has a job which is all he is interested in. He just wants to work 8 hrs then come home to his family & friends. Which is fine with us. Both DH & I had careers for the 1st 20 yrs of our marriage and DH decided to leave his and just get a job as he didn't want the high stress of his career. His family are nice people with major line of credit as they like to spend what they don't have. This has really increased since DD has joined their family. I suspect they try to compete with how they think we live. The reality is that we are really down to earth and we live a very simple lifestyle. We just did without early in our marriage & so we are comfortable now.

I think the real problem is that he is the baby in his family of 3 boys & is very close to his Mom. A bit of a Mama's boy. She rules her sons with an iron hand. They obey her & do what she wants. She has another DIL who rarely shows up for any occasion. She will send her DH & 2 kids alone for a weekend. She applied for a job 5 hrs away from his family. Since she is the principal bread earner, her DH had to follow. The 2 eldest sons work for their Dad's company. So again, the control is there.

Sorry for the book, I think he really just feels his family is the more important and they have a priority. Whatever Mommy wants, he does. I feel for DD & I have my doubts that this relationship will last but I'm supporting DD in her decision and praying for them to be successful together. I have been reluctant to say much to add to their stress & plus I don't want to take any chance on losing access to my DD & DGS. I keep my mouth shut but suspect I will explode eventually and so I agree that I should try to talk to her.

Dee
Avatar for deenow17
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Tue, 04-12-2011 - 6:12pm
I'm sorry that you DS won't be home for Easter and I wish things could be different for you. It's really hard esp when you only have the one. I'm an only but I have 3 kids. DH's family wasn't big on including us & so our immediate family has always been very close. Even in their teens, the kids made family holidays a priority. So this change is tough esp since my eldest DS can't come home as it's a 6 hr plane trip.

Guess we need to accept these changes but who let these kids grow up!!!! lol
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2010
Wed, 04-13-2011 - 2:50am

Hi Dee, I have 2 sons and a daughter although they are teenagers.

Is it poss that instead of putting the focus on " easter" you could perhaps try adn find a way to enjoy time with your DD and her Fiance and family away from family stress.. could you afford to take them away ..

or else could you cook

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009
Wed, 04-13-2011 - 7:51am
After 7 years, I doubt this guy is going to change. But it might be worth a shot.. who knows?

 

Avatar for deenow17
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Wed, 04-13-2011 - 8:59am
Thanks for responding, I appreciate it.

It's hard to take away the focus on Easter as it's a very special holiday to our family. One for the religious event that it represents & for the Easter Bunny. It's silly but my kids are between 24 & 31 and still want their Easter egg hunt. We have family traditions that the kids all say they want to continue. I tried to stop a few of them last yr & it wasn't received well. Let me tell you that it's weird to read "the night before xmas" & hang Xmas stockings with 24 & 28 yr olds males on Xmas Eve. But as they put it, our family is spread across the country & we don't get together often, so it's nice to remember the past with our traditions.

Easter is one of the few times, my parents feel up to joining a family occasion. They don't like to drive in the winter & in the summer, they are busy with their friends.

The purpose of going away to our 2nd home is to get away from the stress for the kids. I do 90% of the cooking. Going out for a meal with a 4 yr old isn't fun for DD & her fiance even though DGS is very good. He can't sit for long. That is why the kids asked that the special celebrations like Easter, Xmas, Thanksgiving & Canada Day be celebrated up north. It's been DD's fiance who has ensured they only joined 1 of these 4 times in 2010. In winter, they can skate/snowmobile/etc. In summer, there is swimming, hiking & boating. It's an opportunity for them to relax. We have 4 acres & a large home so everyone can do their own thing without getting in each others way.

fyi, we had a little lottery win last yr. Just enough to take the entire family on a week trip to DR. DD turned the offer down as she said fiance didn't have enough vacation left. It was interesting that he then took a week off 2 wks after our trip to hang around town with his friends while DD worked & we babysat. That proved that he really didn't want to be with us as he had been wanting to take a trip but they can't afford it with their wedding coming up. We spent a great week away with my 2 DS & DS's fiancee. Fiancee has only been with our family 18 mths & is very close to her family. She can't figure out why fiance isn't joining us. She & DS split their free time approx 50/50 with each family. I expected her being the girl to want to spend most of the time with her family. At one point, she & her Mom were fighting. I sat down with fiancee as she was spending a lot of time at our place & we talked about how her Mom might be feeling left out. Turns out I was right and their relationship back to normal as they are spending less time at our place.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2010
Thu, 04-14-2011 - 3:23am

Hmmm..

Your DD doesnt want to stand up to him so thats cause for concern. She is very much influenced by him and wants to make sure he is happy and he is in charge.

You may have to accept the change in her and know that its very hard for you to give up the time with them on special occasions, but things arent going to change much. I mean, thats a kick in the guts that they didnt come along on a paid trip. And then he takes time off anyway.

I dont know what advice to give, but if it makes it easier for you when you VENT on this site, by all means please do so. Sometimes just writing

Avatar for deenow17
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Thu, 04-14-2011 - 1:00pm
Thanks, I agree that she wants to keep him happy as it keeps things smoother in their relationship. Her baby brother ratted her out last night & so we had a short conversation with the promise of another longer one in person next week. Turns out there is a party they are going to on Sat. All she had to do is just say that & I would have moved dinner to the weekend after Easter with no upset. She knows I was flexible on the weekend & said she didn't know why she said what she did. I suspect that she wanted to do Easter but he wanted to go to the party.

Her brother only found out because they needed a babysitter & he got the job. Which has now moved to me since I know about the party. Which is great, I love spending time with DGS.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009
Thu, 04-14-2011 - 1:09pm
They're just rubbing it in your face now... sheesh, asked you to babysit two weeks after he couldn't take off work to go on the trip? Why wouldn't they try to hide that from you?

And asking your son to babysit on Easter? And what? Keep it secret from you?

I'd start being less understanding by now.

I hope your talk goes well.

 

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