Just need to vent!

Avatar for deenow17
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Just need to vent!
13
Tue, 04-12-2011 - 11:58am

And be told I'm making too much of this situation. And that I need to grow up but that it's ok to be hurt.

Past history, family occasions have always been big events in our family and ones that all of us looked forward too. However, life changes & I get that, I guess. My DD told me that she has to work all Easter weekend from 2 to 10 each day which means no family Easter dinner will fit into her schedule. I understand & can live with that. So said I would do it the weekend before or the weekend after if she wanted. She said sounds great. Then I found out that this weekend is the best for the rest of the family & again when I mentioned it to her, she said sounds good. I will just confirm with my fiance. Well, you can guess where this is going. All of a sudden it's too much effort to come north where the event is planned for Sat night. Everyone had wanted the meal up at our new home which is 90 mins north of the city. Now DD says move dinner back to the city and make it for Sun night since she will be coming then anyhow as we babysat on Mon/Tues while she works from 6 am to 2 pm. When I said that won't work for her brother's fiancee as she is working, DD asks if she needs to be there. I was so angry that I replied, saying well then does your fiance need to be there? Which she didn't like at all. fyi, she really likes her brother's fiancee.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2002
Sun, 04-17-2011 - 3:22am

Dear Dee,

Avatar for deenow17
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Fri, 04-15-2011 - 12:11am
Great advice and I would use normally but this year there is only my DS & his fiancee who are living with us until their house is ready next month & DD & her family. So likely only 7 of us for the meal as My parents can't be counted to show because they get ill a lot. So it's really just an occasion right now if we are all together otherwise it's just a normal dinner with the 4 of us living together.

My reason for being flexible was to include everyone to make it a bit special. My disappointment/anger was because she agreed to the originally scheduled date & time as she said it suited her schedule then reneged after talking to her SO because it was too much effort, blah, blah, whine, whine, whine.

I don't like lies, just tell me the truth & I will deal with it. I would understand even if it was DD that wanted to go to the party as she rarely gets a weekend off to enjoy any type of social life. She works long days with little fun. DGS is a special needs child who has lots of appointments and so DD needs the flexibility of her shift work to accommodate these weekly appts. But it normally means she works weekends to offset the time off during the week.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Thu, 04-14-2011 - 7:07pm

Dee...

i am guessing there are other people involved in these holidays other than your dd and you and your so's.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009
Thu, 04-14-2011 - 1:09pm
They're just rubbing it in your face now... sheesh, asked you to babysit two weeks after he couldn't take off work to go on the trip? Why wouldn't they try to hide that from you?

And asking your son to babysit on Easter? And what? Keep it secret from you?

I'd start being less understanding by now.

I hope your talk goes well.

 

Avatar for deenow17
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Thu, 04-14-2011 - 1:00pm
Thanks, I agree that she wants to keep him happy as it keeps things smoother in their relationship. Her baby brother ratted her out last night & so we had a short conversation with the promise of another longer one in person next week. Turns out there is a party they are going to on Sat. All she had to do is just say that & I would have moved dinner to the weekend after Easter with no upset. She knows I was flexible on the weekend & said she didn't know why she said what she did. I suspect that she wanted to do Easter but he wanted to go to the party.

Her brother only found out because they needed a babysitter & he got the job. Which has now moved to me since I know about the party. Which is great, I love spending time with DGS.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2010
Thu, 04-14-2011 - 3:23am

Hmmm..

Your DD doesnt want to stand up to him so thats cause for concern. She is very much influenced by him and wants to make sure he is happy and he is in charge.

You may have to accept the change in her and know that its very hard for you to give up the time with them on special occasions, but things arent going to change much. I mean, thats a kick in the guts that they didnt come along on a paid trip. And then he takes time off anyway.

I dont know what advice to give, but if it makes it easier for you when you VENT on this site, by all means please do so. Sometimes just writing

Avatar for deenow17
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Wed, 04-13-2011 - 8:59am
Thanks for responding, I appreciate it.

It's hard to take away the focus on Easter as it's a very special holiday to our family. One for the religious event that it represents & for the Easter Bunny. It's silly but my kids are between 24 & 31 and still want their Easter egg hunt. We have family traditions that the kids all say they want to continue. I tried to stop a few of them last yr & it wasn't received well. Let me tell you that it's weird to read "the night before xmas" & hang Xmas stockings with 24 & 28 yr olds males on Xmas Eve. But as they put it, our family is spread across the country & we don't get together often, so it's nice to remember the past with our traditions.

Easter is one of the few times, my parents feel up to joining a family occasion. They don't like to drive in the winter & in the summer, they are busy with their friends.

The purpose of going away to our 2nd home is to get away from the stress for the kids. I do 90% of the cooking. Going out for a meal with a 4 yr old isn't fun for DD & her fiance even though DGS is very good. He can't sit for long. That is why the kids asked that the special celebrations like Easter, Xmas, Thanksgiving & Canada Day be celebrated up north. It's been DD's fiance who has ensured they only joined 1 of these 4 times in 2010. In winter, they can skate/snowmobile/etc. In summer, there is swimming, hiking & boating. It's an opportunity for them to relax. We have 4 acres & a large home so everyone can do their own thing without getting in each others way.

fyi, we had a little lottery win last yr. Just enough to take the entire family on a week trip to DR. DD turned the offer down as she said fiance didn't have enough vacation left. It was interesting that he then took a week off 2 wks after our trip to hang around town with his friends while DD worked & we babysat. That proved that he really didn't want to be with us as he had been wanting to take a trip but they can't afford it with their wedding coming up. We spent a great week away with my 2 DS & DS's fiancee. Fiancee has only been with our family 18 mths & is very close to her family. She can't figure out why fiance isn't joining us. She & DS split their free time approx 50/50 with each family. I expected her being the girl to want to spend most of the time with her family. At one point, she & her Mom were fighting. I sat down with fiancee as she was spending a lot of time at our place & we talked about how her Mom might be feeling left out. Turns out I was right and their relationship back to normal as they are spending less time at our place.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009
Wed, 04-13-2011 - 7:51am
After 7 years, I doubt this guy is going to change. But it might be worth a shot.. who knows?

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2010
Wed, 04-13-2011 - 2:50am

Hi Dee, I have 2 sons and a daughter although they are teenagers.

Is it poss that instead of putting the focus on " easter" you could perhaps try adn find a way to enjoy time with your DD and her Fiance and family away from family stress.. could you afford to take them away ..

or else could you cook

Avatar for deenow17
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Tue, 04-12-2011 - 6:12pm
I'm sorry that you DS won't be home for Easter and I wish things could be different for you. It's really hard esp when you only have the one. I'm an only but I have 3 kids. DH's family wasn't big on including us & so our immediate family has always been very close. Even in their teens, the kids made family holidays a priority. So this change is tough esp since my eldest DS can't come home as it's a 6 hr plane trip.

Guess we need to accept these changes but who let these kids grow up!!!! lol

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