Keeping a family confidence

Avatar for memphisstars
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Keeping a family confidence
8
Sun, 12-18-2011 - 8:05pm

I have been keeping a confidence from my brothers that my daughter asked me to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2010
Sun, 12-18-2011 - 8:53pm
Why does anyone need to know?? Why do you think it's anyone's business?? If this man has truly changed its crucial everyone moves on like it never happened.

Why do you feel it necessary to say anything??

San
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Sun, 12-18-2011 - 9:54pm

I'm confused.

Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
Mon, 12-19-2011 - 4:25am
I'm confused too! Is the secret the fact that your daughter is pregnant? Why would she keep that from her uncles? Because they wouldn't approve or something? And why will they be mad at you? Because you kept her secret for so long, up to the point where she's now due this month?

Or is it the fact that they don't even know she's still with this guy? Do they even know she's married? Is she on speaking terms with them?

Whatever the secret is, I think if she wants them to now know it, she should be the one to tell them. It's unfair to ask you to lie for her and then turn around and ask you to take the crap from them when you finally tell them the truth. It's HER secret and if she now wants them to know, she's going to have to suck it up and tell them herself. I understand wanting to respect her wishes and keep her confidence but if you feel caught in the middle, it's time to tell her that you're not comfortable with it and it's her responsibility to tell them. Be supportive and tell her that if they start giving her a hard time, she should just tell them to mind their own business and that this is exactly why she has kept it from them for so long. Your daughter sounds like a submissive person - first a victim of abuse and now too scared to even tell her uncles that she's pregnant! If she's going to be a mother, she needs to learn how to stand up for herself.
Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Mon, 12-19-2011 - 1:09pm
Yes, it's her responsibility to tell them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2010
Mon, 12-19-2011 - 3:21pm
I still don't understand why it's any of their business who she's married to and the fact that she's pregnant. If your family is that overbearing they can't stay out if your business you're best without them.

San
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009
Mon, 12-19-2011 - 5:03pm
Sometimes relatives make it their business who someone else is married to and pregnant, because they love them very much, get very upset over abuse (which the OP stated clearly happened), or if they've helped in the earlier years when the abuse did occur.

I didn't read where the OP said her brothers were overbearing. Cutting them out of their lives seems extreme without more information

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2010
Mon, 12-19-2011 - 6:14pm
I said "if" they were....
Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Tue, 12-20-2011 - 9:46pm

I am confused about what your brothers already know...do they know that your dd is married? If so, do they know that she is married to Former Bad Guy? Did she elope, or were her uncles not invited to her wedding?

If they don't even know that she's married then learning that she's been married for 2 years and is now pregnant will come as a surprise. If its just a secret that she's pregnant, well that is commonly kept secret until the second trimester when the mom is certain that the pregnancy is progressing normally so no big deal that they don't know sooner. Since you were keeping secrets at her request, then I think its your daughter's role to tell her uncles her news--whether its that she's pregnant or that she's married. If they want to know why they were kept in the dark, she can explain to them. If they say anything to you, you can tell them that you were honoring your dd's wishes and that they need to talk to her about it.

She put you in a difficult position from the start but now its time for her to take responsibility and take the heat IF her uncles get upset. They may not even care anymore since you're talking about something that happened almost a decade ago.