Kicked out of family for getting married

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Kicked out of family for getting married
10
Wed, 05-14-2003 - 3:47pm
My Fiance and I ran away to Las Vegas and were hapily married in December 2002. I tried to tell my parents, but my mother is very controling and was already voicing that she was furious about us living together (she didn't know we were already married). The longer I waited, the harder it got to tell her. We told my husband's family and they were very excited and took us out to a very nice dinner and gave us $3000. About three weeks ago I told my family and ever since they have done their best to turn my mother's entire side of the family against me. My mother calls me almost daily to tell me i have ruined her family and that I am a liar and she cannot trust me. I know she is hurt because I am her first daughter, but I had asked for a wedding a month before we ran away and she refused to pay until I am done with college. That is still about 4 years away and I didn't want to wait that long. She has told my little sisters that they are never going to be flower girls for me and they have called me crying. I have tried to talk with her, to tell her I am sorry that I didn't tell her, I have tried it all. She is now telling all of her sisters this story like it is so sad and depressing and I am such a horrible child. Last week they even had a birthday party for my dad and didn't even bother to tell me about it. I am so sad and so tired of this. I want to jsut forget about them, but I love my family. Any suggestions would be great. I don't know what to do.

Kristi4252725@yahoo.com

Kristi Meyer

Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-14-2003 - 6:08pm
I don't know what to tell you - this is a tough situation. When you elope, there is bound to be consequences. It sounds like your mother is really hurting right now and acting out because of it.

Running off to get married was hurtful enough, but then coming back and not even telling your parents - that was really bad. Since you have appologized to your mother, I think that's about all you can do for now. After some time has passed, reach out to her again and let her know again how sorry you are and that you want to mend fenses. It's only been 3 weeks and pain like this takes awhile to go away. It was a serious betrayal on your part and I can see how your mother says she can no longer trust you. As time passes though, I think you can mend your relationship with your mom.

Your parents did not owe you a wedding and I think that the fact that your mother offered to pay for your wedding after you graduated from college was very generous. I also think it was very forward thinking of your mother to try and encourage you to wait to marry until you have your education. It sounds to me like she wants the best for you and now, not only did she not get to see her daughter get married and was lied to by her daughter, she is probably very concerned about your chances of finishing college and having a successful life. It's like all her hopes for you have been dashed.

I'm not trying to get down on you - what's done is done - I'm just trying to get you to see this a little from your mother's perspective, maybe help you see where she is coming from.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-14-2003 - 6:58pm
I have always heard older mothers talk about how sad it made them after each of there kids left home or married. Maybe your mother is just having a hard time letting go.I eloped to but told my parents I was gone to and gave them the option to go with me. Neither of them attended the wedding and it was a month before my dad would speak to me, but he eventually got over it once he realized I was grown up and wasn't anything he could do about it. Some people think wedding have to be a big social event, maybe she feels betrayed and resentful of you for not giving her the chance to be involved if that is the case have you thought about having a second wedding for your family to attend.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2003
Wed, 05-14-2003 - 7:00pm
you know, i am going to be honest with you, i can see where you mom is coming from. i can see that it is only fair for her to expect you to wait until after college to pay for a wedding. its great that your parents have the money to pay for college and a wedding, that is not a luxury that many people have.

i am in about that type of situation as well. my boyfriend and i are getting married. and we are both in college, and we have 2 1/2 years left. but if i get married, they will stop paying for my college because being married means that YOU ARE FINANCIALLY INDEPENDENT FROM YOUR PARENTS. but, if i wait until im out of college, they will have paid for my college, they will pay for my wedding, AND they will give me any left over money in both my college and wedding accounts.

so basically, why could you not wait until you were out of college? why the rush? the way i see it, is why did you need to rush it if you knew your boyfriend would always be there? and if you felt you needed to rush getting married, maybe the right thing to do wasnt to get married. i know the damage has already been done, but thats just the logic i see. marriage should be a commitment made when both the man and woman are both financially and emotionally responsible to handle it, and when they get the approval of their parents.

i agree with the other poster, that it was probably very hurtful for your mom to hear LATER that you got married, when she just wanted you to wait until you were out of school. you should realize that the mistake has been made, and work toward making amends with your mom, because i believe that you were in the wrong here. (at least by what you told me)

but, i have a suggestion. if you realize that you were in the wrong, and fix things with your mom, maybe you can continue college(on her expense), and she can put on a nice wedding for you once you graduate, kinda like renewing your vows. but you have to show your mom that you are mature enough, becuase she may just decide to pull your college money too if you still cop the "i know everything" attitude.

that way, if you and her become close again, you can have fun planning a nice wedding for after you have finished college. and your little sisters can be in it, and you can have a great honeymoon, etc etc.

hope this helps, good luck

-monica

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2003
Wed, 05-14-2003 - 7:02pm
It sounds like she may be hurt you didn't tell her you were married.But even if you weren't married you may not of wanted a big wedding anyway,so your mom should realize you an adult and respect the desicion you and your hubby made.Good luck.~cherrysnaps~ www.yourwebsister.com
Avatar for cl_starrzz_n_moonzz
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-14-2003 - 7:25pm
First off congratulations on your marriage:) I hope you and your new DH have many wonderful, exciting loving years together.

I totally understand why your mom may be acting the way she is.She is probably really hurt in many ways and I hope you can understand why she is hurting and when the time comes when her anger has calmed down you can talk to her about it and understand where she is coming from. One- You eloped and she may feel totally left out, Two- You have been married for almost five months, Three- It took you five months to tell her, Four- You felt you couldn't tell her for five months, Five- You went against what she wanted you to do. I know when it comes to being in love we lose track except for what are heart wants. We tend to leave the others who love us in the background and usually any voice of reason they try to tell us we blow it off like they don't want us to be happy so they are telling us these things. I would really try to not take too much offense to the cold shoulder she is giving you right now. I am sure she feels like she has been betrayed and hurt. It will take her some time to come around and accept all of this. It has only been a few weeks to digest her daughter has been married for months. I would give her some more time and then try to contact her. Either by phone, visit or email. I would at least give her another week and go from there. I am not condeming you, I just hope you can see it from her point of view and once she comes to terms with this you could tell her your point of view. I just really think no matter what you should have told her as soon as you got back, but what is done is done and she needs to realize this. That no matter what if she wants her daughter she must accept that she is now happily married and that is that.

I hope this has helped. Please keep us updated on what happens. Again congratulations on your marriage:) Until then we are here when you need us~~~~Michelle

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 05-15-2003 - 9:52am
This happened to my sister's friend. She was 18 and her boyfriend was 19. They wanted to get married right out of high school, but her parents said no way. They ran away and got married, that was 7 years ago.

In the last 7 years, they have had 3 children, one is on the way. They have no money because neither of them finished college. He works for minimum wage and since they can't afford day care for 3 children, and she is pregnant, she can't work. They collect full welfare. They fight all the time because they have no money. They fight all the time because they can't take 3 kids anywhere without it being a major hassle. She has gained about 150 pounds due to stress (she was 95 lb when she got married).

My only advice is - wait to have children. Do whatever you have to, the pill, condoms, abstinence - anything. Lock your husband out of your bedroom if you have to. DO NOT HAVE KIDS yet!! Wait! If this couple would have waited, they may have had a fighting chance.

I think if you finish college and prove to your mother you are responsible, she may come around.

Avatar for tinderdoc
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Thu, 05-15-2003 - 11:13am
I can completely relate with you kristi. I started dating DH in college, and not only was my family against it, his was REALLY against it. We wanted to get married after a while, and by then my mom was the only one who had come around. We got married while I was in graduate school. DH had already dropped out of college and was working a dead-end job. We ALMOST eloped because of all the unhappiness both families were causing us. I feel for you because i know how you feel. The only thing I can think to tell you is to just wait it out. You've done what you can, and now the ball is in your fam's court.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-15-2003 - 3:53pm
Kristi, how old are you? If you have four years of college left, have you just started or are you in grad school? If this is your first year and you are only 18, that alone would upset me as a mother. Although I was 18 when I married (the first time), it's not something I wanted my daughter to repeat. I'm afraid I agree with the other posters. I understand where your mother is coming from. Give her time to adjust (her speed, not yours) and make sure when you apologize, it's sincere. I hope everything works out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sun, 05-18-2003 - 12:48pm
Well, There are many mixed feelings for this post and I thank you all for the different views you have presented. I forgot to mention the reason why we got married and did not wait. It was because we are both Christians. We both strongly believe in not living together and not having sex before we are married and we both knew that after 1 year, that point was too close to ignore and we did not want to ruin what we both had previously comitted to. I am not sure if this makes a difference, but there were a few posts asking why we couldn't wait. Things with my mother seem to be getting better very slowly. I told her i was sad that she left me out of my father's birthday party and she called me upset about some problems she is having with my younger sisters. I too have always been her counselor (this is the only word I can think of). She has always come to me with all of her problems and expected me to help her fix them. I think because of this, she feels that I have left her all alone and now she has no one to talk to. I see her hurt, but I still think it is immature on her part to try and hurt me back.

Thanks again

Kristi

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Tue, 05-20-2003 - 9:59am
I know you have apologized to your Mom but you have to realize you made a very, very big mistake. You just went and got married without telling her and then didn't tell her for a while after that. She feels like you disowned her. She was not important enough to you for her to even just be informed. It may take quite a while before your Mom gets over it.

I do have a question why did you feel that since your Mom said she was not going to pay for the wedding that she should not be a part of it. You could have just told her you were getting married anyway and done your own little wedding with out a bank behind it just like you did in Las Vegas. It wouldn't have been in secret and she probably would have gotten over it a little quicker.

When I decided to get married it was my 20th birthday. My now husband purposed to me at the South Street Seaport back home in New York. The next day I told my Mom. She never liked him too much to begin with and she thought I was too young. Plus I was not done with college so you could imagine. She said if I got married I could forget about my Mother. I said, "oh well" I am still getting married. We were planning our own small service at my church with no reception except for maybe a nice dinner and a small weekend honeymoon to the Pocono's. My Mother saw I would not be changing my mind and that this was what I really wanted to do. About three months before the wedding she came to me and told me she and my father would be helping and giving us a reception. It was wonderful and I was glad to have them by my side.

You are going to have to do some major repair damage with this one. Just be patient, you hurt her really badly and it is going to take a while before she can let it go. I am sure she dreamed of your wedding day ever since you were a baby and you took that away from her. I am not saying you should live your life for your Mothers dreams but just be aware of how important this was to her.

Just an idea maybe you should plan a small wedding for your family to attend. You can re-new your vows and your family can feel like they are part of you again.

Just hang in there she will come out of it, Good luck.