In-Laws

Avatar for heatherjohnst
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
In-Laws
4
Wed, 04-30-2003 - 8:30pm
I have known my husband for almost 4 years been married for almost 2 1/2.Ever since I have known my in-laws I have disliked them. (Except my Father-in-law and ONE of the FOUR sister-in-laws) My biggest problem is about baby sitting. My husband has a daughter (Age 6) from a previous girlfriend, and his mother was all for us taking her more often. But-----we both worked long hours and differnt shifts. So we needed a baby sitter for about 2 hours a day three days a week. His mother said she had NO PROBLEM doing it. We offered to pay her but she said no. She didn't watch her more than a month before her phantom backache started and she couldn't do it anymore. Which would have never bothered me, except she watches everyone elses kids (EIGHT OTHER GRANDKIDS!!) all the time. Well, that was about 2 1/2 years ago. And she has not babysat his daughter since. She's always too busy or achy or whatever. Now my husbad and I have a 1 year old son together. His mother has watched him for us THREE WHOLE TIMES EVER in the entire year he's been alive. And only for a few hours reluctantly. She knew that I needed to get a job to help keep caught up on our bills and we had no money for a babysitter, and did she offer?NOOOOO!But she does continue to watch everyone elses kids. Mind you, this woman does not work, and has not had to for many years. Now here's where it gets even better ---- My husbands brother and wife offered (WITHOUT BEING ASKED) to babysit our son for free. And I think great, so I go out and get a part-time job. My husband work midnights, three days on three days off. So they wouldn't need to watch for more than a few hours a day maybe twice a week. Well, that arrangment lasted just fine until the day we actually needed them to do it!! They would do it but give us all kinds of hassle about when and how long they were available, even though they were given a weeks advanced notice on when they were needed. Then they decide that his brother is going on vacation in July so she can't watch our son for a TEN DAY STRETCH!! With no exceptions! So this whole mess lasted a month and we decided it wasn't worth the irritation. So I gave a weeks notice at work. I'm so angry at his family for this. We really need the money . And what makes it worse is they offered to help, even offered to do it for free without us ever even asking them to. And now I have to quit my job after a mere month. Any advice on how to not hate his family so much?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2002
In reply to: heatherjohnst
Thu, 05-01-2003 - 1:16am
No one can help you stop hating his family so much except yourself, my dear. If you were paying them (MIL or any of them) to watch the children, then you would have grounds to be angry. But when the babysitting is offered for FREE, then it's on THEIR terms, not yours, and you really have no say-so about it. I'm sorry it hasn't worked out for you, and I know first-hand how difficult it is to find dependable day-care for such a sporadic schedule.

(Disclaimer: As I've said in previous posts, I tend to be blunt with my opinions, and I can sense that this one will be no different. My apologies in advance if I hurt your feelings - it's not intentional. Many people on this board are much more sympathetic than I am and I hope they jump in here in your defence.) Anyway, to continue...

I can fully understand the ten-day vacation in July - of course they want to spend the vacation together and have given you more than two months' notice that they will not be available. That's way more notice than most people get. So what? You'll have to find another arrangement for this time. You could probably find a teenager who would welcome the extra cash for a week's babysitting. Welcome to the world of parenthood.

Is it possible that your in-laws think you are taking them for granted and not being generous enough with "thank you sooo much - I don't know how I would manage day care and my job without your help, etc. etc. etc...." and that's why the MIL's backache mysteriously returns only when your DH's daughter needs a babysitter? And why the brother's schedule suddenly became so sporadic? They do have their own families, jobs, schedules, etc. which are their first priorities - not babysitting for someone else's child, no matter how much it's needed. Or maybe they're just selfish, greedy, lazy heathens who care only for themselves. Just a thought...

(Oh there I go again, being too blunt. Gonna get flamed for this post, probably.)

Most of us who have children and bills to pay have to work to do so - and work full-time so there's enough money to pay the bills AND the full-time babysitter or day-care. Some are lucky enough to be stay-at-home moms. Count yourself VERY lucky if anyone offers to watch your children for FREE even one day in a month. Most of us don't have that luxury. I didn't.

Good luck - I truly hope it all works out for you.

Msfit






                  &nbs

Avatar for tinderdoc
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
In reply to: heatherjohnst
Thu, 05-01-2003 - 10:38am
I'm going to be a little more sympathetic than msfit. My BIL lost his job one month before their 2nd child was due. He was unemployed for the next 2-3 months. Money was so tight for them. My IL's bought their groceries, and covered their house note. I'm sure her family helped as well, but I didn't hear what they did. DH and I wanted to help, but being full-time students, we didn't have the money or free time, so we offered our shoulders when they needed someone to lean on. While BIL was looking for employment, SIL felt the need to look for a job as well, but she had a newborn and a 3-yr old at home and no money for daycare. My MIL saw the need and offered to babysit at no charge so they could get back on their feet. If it means keeping you and your DH's heads above water, your IL's should see the importance of your job. My DH and I come from families that help out unconditionally. It sounds selfish to me to offer help, and then retract the help when they know that you and your DH are having trouble making ends meet. Who suffers here?--yes, you and DH, but so do the CHILDREN. By having to quit your job, that hinders your capability to provide for your kids. It is too bad that your IL's haven't taken that into consideration. I wish I knew an answer for you. I understand where you're coming from, and feel for you.
Avatar for heatherjohnst
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
In reply to: heatherjohnst
Sun, 05-04-2003 - 2:29pm
Thank you for thoughts. I guess there are a few things I neglected to mention in my first post.(Because it was turning into a novel!HA HA) The money was offered to both the Mother-in-law (And refused) and the Sister-in-law (Also refused) Granted, it was not a kings ransom, but it was offered. Dually noted - - We have always minded our "P's and Q's" (Please and ThankQ's) with them when they have helped us out. In my opinion if they offer to do us a favor , then they should not be backing out like that. I suppose what really bothers me is that if there is a problem,they should be up front about it. I too, am quit blunt. So I don't appreciate the fake a$$ excuses. It seems to me that if there is a problem, the best way to solve it is to be honest about it and work towards a solution. One last tid-bit of information .......This is the same loving family who showed up at our wedding party, husbands birthday party, Step-daughters birthday party and my sons first birthday party without so much as a card!! His mother buys them gifts and one sister does also (out of four siblings, and one very LARGE family!) The rest of them show up to eat and socialize. They actually don't even say "Happy birthday " "Congratulations" NOTHING!! In my book they are unrefined jerks. Thank anyhow for the input.
Avatar for heatherjohnst
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
In reply to: heatherjohnst
Sun, 05-04-2003 - 2:36pm
Thank you for your response. It's nice to hear that atleast some people have good reliable families. Mine would be that way if they lived close. But they all live a good distance away and have jobs. So unfortunatly I can't ask them for the help.