Little trust in family..

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2010
Little trust in family..
12
Tue, 05-07-2013 - 10:00pm

Can anyone out there advise on what they would do in this situation? My mother recently relocated back to the city where her kids live. She was living in a different town and decided after about 10 years that she wanted to be closer to her kids. We would see her through the year, mainly at holiday times or occasionally she would come and stay with my family. Now that she is back permanently, she would like her children to be close and she tends to want to tell me things about whats going on with my siblings at all times. Like she will start the conversation with " did you know that so and so is going to this place" or " your sister is having a hard time, why dont you phone her" or " your brothers son is doing this or that". Now, I am not the sort of person that needs to know the daily details of my siblings as I have my own kids and my own friends and I work and have in-laws and basically my own life. So when I tell my mother things about my life, I feel that she is taking this opportunity to tell my siblings about me and the things that I am doing with my husband and kids. I feel that its not really any business of my siblings to know what I am doing second hand through my mother as if they really wanted to know anything about me, they would phone and ask directly or email me or suggest that we get together occasionally. This never happens. Its only through my mothers talking about us that we know about each other. 

This causes all sorts of problems as some of my family have financial constraints and may take it that we dont have any. ( due to my mother telling people what I am doing with my kids and life).I feel that my family judge me and are not very warm or friendly towards me so i dont really want to add fuel to the fire by letting them know too much about my life. I try and keep things friendly when we see them, I am happy by nature, but I find its easier not to talk too much and just see how they are going. My mother says that I dont talk to my family, but when I do, they gossip about me. So its easier to say nothing and just stay away from them, really only attending things when I have to. I've always been independant and always felt I couldn't rely on them, and I'm not about to start now. My husband and I are independant of people, rather going without things than to ask for help. 

The problem that I have is that now my mother has moved back to our city, she wants me to communicate more and is quite annoying as the types of conversations she wants to have centre about who is doing what and where everyone is at the moment, and the types of things I am focused on are my childrens lives and the work I do and my daily existance bringing up my kids and supporting my husband. I suppose I just dont want my mother or my siblings in my life all that much and as a result, I have little connection with them. I find it difficult to talk to them. I also find that when I do talk to them, I end up spending my time counselling them about what to do with situations, and listening to them. This is why they are annoyed and say I dont talk to them, because I dont tell them very many things about what is really going on in my life. 

What should I do about my mother and her banal conversations and the fact that I dont trust her ? 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Sat, 05-25-2013 - 10:40pm

I feel that you have just discribed my own mom and family. My mom´s conversations are always about what is going on in her kids life. ¿Are in intouch with ______? What do you know about____________? Did you know that_____is__________?. Not getting to know what is going on in her kids lives, drive her crazy. I GUESSS THIS A LACK OF BOUNDARIES AND  CONTROL ISSUES.

My siblings conversations are about what another sibling did or not do and what they said about you. I hate gossip. Breaking that vicIous dysfunctional circle has cost me a lot of effort.

I seldon talk with them. I always shut my mouth if I listen something about about anyone, and I don´t want to give them any information about my life. I know it is hard. I would love to have a conversation with them that is not centered in problems and family affairs. I guess there are a lot of things to talk about (news, world wide events, books etc)

But dinamics get very stuck in families.

I guess you can´t change your mom and you can´t change them.

I would try to teach your mom of what kid of relationship and conversatios you want to have with her. (IF THAT IS POSSIBLE)

Talk with her about news, world wide events and change her the conversation if she wants to take out information you don´t want to give her, or if she wants to hand you information you don´t want to give her.

Not sure if that will work, but that is the only advice I can give you besides my empathy.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Sat, 05-25-2013 - 10:50pm
Also be sure not to pass this things to the next generation, because I have caught myself nearly doing the same. Sometimes we criticize our parents but we end doing the same things they did.Be aware. Dinamics get very tuck in families and end doing the same.Be careful!

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