Little trust in family..

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2010
Little trust in family..
12
Tue, 05-07-2013 - 10:00pm

Can anyone out there advise on what they would do in this situation? My mother recently relocated back to the city where her kids live. She was living in a different town and decided after about 10 years that she wanted to be closer to her kids. We would see her through the year, mainly at holiday times or occasionally she would come and stay with my family. Now that she is back permanently, she would like her children to be close and she tends to want to tell me things about whats going on with my siblings at all times. Like she will start the conversation with " did you know that so and so is going to this place" or " your sister is having a hard time, why dont you phone her" or " your brothers son is doing this or that". Now, I am not the sort of person that needs to know the daily details of my siblings as I have my own kids and my own friends and I work and have in-laws and basically my own life. So when I tell my mother things about my life, I feel that she is taking this opportunity to tell my siblings about me and the things that I am doing with my husband and kids. I feel that its not really any business of my siblings to know what I am doing second hand through my mother as if they really wanted to know anything about me, they would phone and ask directly or email me or suggest that we get together occasionally. This never happens. Its only through my mothers talking about us that we know about each other. 

This causes all sorts of problems as some of my family have financial constraints and may take it that we dont have any. ( due to my mother telling people what I am doing with my kids and life).I feel that my family judge me and are not very warm or friendly towards me so i dont really want to add fuel to the fire by letting them know too much about my life. I try and keep things friendly when we see them, I am happy by nature, but I find its easier not to talk too much and just see how they are going. My mother says that I dont talk to my family, but when I do, they gossip about me. So its easier to say nothing and just stay away from them, really only attending things when I have to. I've always been independant and always felt I couldn't rely on them, and I'm not about to start now. My husband and I are independant of people, rather going without things than to ask for help. 

The problem that I have is that now my mother has moved back to our city, she wants me to communicate more and is quite annoying as the types of conversations she wants to have centre about who is doing what and where everyone is at the moment, and the types of things I am focused on are my childrens lives and the work I do and my daily existance bringing up my kids and supporting my husband. I suppose I just dont want my mother or my siblings in my life all that much and as a result, I have little connection with them. I find it difficult to talk to them. I also find that when I do talk to them, I end up spending my time counselling them about what to do with situations, and listening to them. This is why they are annoyed and say I dont talk to them, because I dont tell them very many things about what is really going on in my life. 

What should I do about my mother and her banal conversations and the fact that I dont trust her ? 

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 05-08-2013 - 10:50am

I guess I really couldn't imagine being in a family where people weren't interested in their own siblings lives.  My former MIL used to tell everyone gossipy things about other family members (she had 6 kids, so there was a lot to talk about), plus she had really nothing going on since she didn't work & didn't go out much, so things always started with "Well, Joe wouldn't want me to tell you this, but..."  I learned pretty quickly not to tell her anything confidential.  But is that what your mom is doing or is she just saying that you & your DH are going on vacation and you don't want your sibs to know--I think if you kept in touch w/ your sibs on your own, then they would know what you are doing anyway so they wouldn't need mom to fill them in.  Maybe the reason that you feel that your family isn't "warm and friendly" toward  you is that you are pushing them away and you don't talk to them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2012
Wed, 05-08-2013 - 10:10am

Have you tried having a frank conversation with your mother over your concerns of her sticking her nose in your business then gossiping with your siblings? And have you considered trying to get to know your siblings a little better. It may be that your mother's stories aren't the real picture. They may be just as annoyed over the gossip as you are.

Pages