Long Term Older Friends Very Trying

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2011
Long Term Older Friends Very Trying
7
Fri, 09-16-2011 - 5:42pm

Hi,

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Fri, 09-16-2011 - 5:55pm

I think I'd begin to let the relationship takes it natural course. I think the next time I thought of them instead of going to see them or calling them on the phone I'd write them a note and mail it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Sat, 09-17-2011 - 12:02am

I think

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2011
Sat, 09-17-2011 - 7:16am

Thanks for the replies!

Avatar for deenow17
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Sat, 09-17-2011 - 9:54am
I'm going to make a different comment here. You accepted your relationship with this elderly couple and their treating you as their daughter when you were younger & moving into a new place. You shared holidays, special times together & now have no time for them. It seems that they are an inconvenience and it's time to move onto sending notes. I find this sad esp when you say they have no family close by except of an ill dd.

First, with dementia, your personality can change significantly. My Dad has it and frankly my DD, won't see him alone as he can make inappropriate comments. She is 32 but it creeps her out that her Granddad tells her dirty jokes or makes comments about her body. He would be horrified if he understood what he was doing. This isn't him, it's his illness. He can't help that he doesn't remember & tells the same stories over & over and now can't be moved into other topics. He has dementia and his mind is going.

Now for the wife, living with someone with dementia is very difficult & it's hard not to become angry. But you get very guilty for being angry at someone who can't help it, so often you find another source for your anger - in this case it could be the management board. Her life must have a limited scope these days due to her age & care giving responsibilities. She is likely scared about her future, worried about her DH & her own health.

You befriended these people, let them treat you like a daughter and let them become dependent on you. They aren't 50, they are in their 80's & one is very ill. I think you owe them some of your time. I don't agree with a note. I find it sad that after 8 yrs, you forgot their birthdays because you are busy with your new love. I would suggest that you try to visit them once a mth. They are old & will die soon, consider this an act of charity.

Also, just one more suggestion. Have a chat with your b/f about aging & how long he will hang around if you get dementia or something else since being around your friend makes him unhappy even for a short visit as it reminds him of his alcoholic mother. You are either in your late 50s now or early 60s. You need to be sure of his support for you. My Dad was 65 when he had the stroke that affected his brain & the onset of dementia started. By 68, he could no longer be trusted to handle the money as the cheap guy who never spent a penny without complaining was buying out the shopping channel.

All the best with your new life, love is wonderful at any age but as we mature it is even more important.

Dee
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2011
Sun, 09-18-2011 - 2:27am

Good thought provoking post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2011
Mon, 09-19-2011 - 2:48pm

Have you insisted that your DD tolerate her grandfathers' rude, albeit unknowing, behavior?

Avatar for deenow17
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Mon, 09-19-2011 - 8:34pm
Wow, you asked for opinions & I gave you mine but it seems that my opinion has made you angry.

I didn't suggest you move in with these people or take over their care. I simply said that I felt a visit once a mth was more warranted than sending a note. My opinion was based on the fact you said in your original post that they "sorta adopted" you & treated you like a daughter. This implies a closer relationship than what you are now explaining.

It wasn't my intention to upset you but to present a different point of view. I was stating my opinion by the facts as I read them in your original post plus the fact that it felt to me that there was something different here because you are dealing with sick, elderly people. Had you had these issues with someone your own age, my advice would have been to drop them & leave no forwarding address.

And yes, if I had to tell my DD to tolerate her Grandfather's rude behaviour then I would. But thankfully she understands that this is an illness like cancer and just prefers not to visit him alone. She won't walk away from him because of something he can't help. Her visits give him so much joy & she enjoys them too in spite of his behaviour.

I'm sorry you had to care for your parents as I know it's difficult. I have been caring for my father for the last 10 yrs and my mom for the last 8. I'm an only child & there is no one else so I understand the difficulty you may have experienced. I'm also sorry that you lost your DH as that must have been difficult to go through & it's wonderful that you have found a new love.

Dee