At a loss w/ family.. what to do

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2002
At a loss w/ family.. what to do
3
Fri, 11-23-2012 - 7:55pm

I am at a loss.  I married my husband in 2009 and shortly after that we moved to Maryland due to his military orders.  Since, then, it feels like my own family (mother, father, brother, etc) has forgotten me.   They don't call me except for on my birthday or if they need something.  Last year, really disturbed me on Thanksgiving when they werent going to call me.  My husband has had to work the last 2 Christmas's and Thanksgivings.. so i have been on my own.  It would have been nice for them to pick up the phone and call their only daughter who lives 2500 miles away.  This year, it happened again.. they were not planning on it.  So, I was the bigger person to call them.  All I got was Oh thank you for calling.  I don't know what to say or do. I want to say something but am afraid of what they have to say.. My mother will cry, etc and write a nice little letter most likely saying i am a horrible person, and well my dad.. he will just ignore it.  I went down this road about 10 years ago with my ex-husband and my family (long story) and I am guessing they are only holding it over my head.  And, it was a different situation and it is in the past.  My husband says to either say something or just let it go. Why is it that familes have to be this way towards each other?  I can't help that I loved my husband and married him and he was in the military and got orders!  And, with it being the holidays and living away, it makes it really difficult.  They have no idea how many times I have cried over it.  All I know is if I were to tell them how I feel, it would somehow backfire on me and I would get the guilt trips.  My mother always complains about how her family (cousins) never call her, yet she never picks up the phone. Over the last few months, I have slowly stopped calling once or twice a week like I used to and have started calling every few weeks.   I guess at what point do you just throw in the towel?  I'd really love some input, especially from those who do have a spouse in the military!

Thanks,

Kim

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2008
Tue, 12-18-2012 - 12:20pm

I can definitely relate. My mother will never contact me. She texted me Happy Birthday in my fortieth (milestone) birthday and a text is all she could do? I at least send her birthday and Mother's Day cards. She refuses to acknowledge my husband's or my two daughter's birthdays. My daughter just had a birthday on the day of the school shooting tragedy and she didnt even bother to call to see how she was and wish her a happy birthday! And she turned six and is in Kindergarten just like the victims! I'm furious at this point. I cant see how someone can be so callous. She never called on Thanksgiving either. I dont expect to hear from her at Christmas either. I giveup. I advise you to do the same. Focus on your husband and children. That's what I'm doing. My main concern is them. Best wishes. Dont let it get to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2008
Mon, 11-26-2012 - 10:55am
I can definitely feel where you are coming from. I have a mother who never picks up the phone! Her motto is " I gave birth to you so you should call me" and I also have sisters who all have kids who think that just bc they have the kids I should call them all the time. I was in a huge fight with my three sisters and my mother about a year and half ago.... and have barely spoken to them. I am so sick and tired of being accused of not picking up the phone enough bc they dont'. it is absolutely ridiculous. and I'm so sick and tired of them using the kids to their advantage and just bc I don't have any means I should be calling all the time.. I'm not even married which makes it even worse.. Its lonely and I'm constantly sad all the time bc of it....I also live alone which makes things even worse.... I have had so many lonely days of me just sitting at home... sometimes you do just have to throw in the towel and say enough is enough. If they give you crap...throw it right back in their face and ask "how many times have you called me"
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2011
Sun, 11-25-2012 - 4:22am

Many parents feel that because they are the elders that it is the children who should call. Also you don't know what kind of long distance calling plan they have, it may be more than they can afford. There is a saying that the phone works both ways. When I moved out of state I always called my mother during the holidays and talked to the members of my family as that is where they would be. You have to realize when you move away things change and why are you making such a big deal about who is calling who. The most important thing is that you stay in touch. I think you may be feeling a little home sick and wish they would call you more and assure you that you have not been forgotten in their lives, Maybe one year you can arrange to go home for the holiday to see your family even if your husband has work, it seems like you really miss them.