Lying about having sex to my mother

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2007
Lying about having sex to my mother
21
Mon, 08-15-2011 - 1:04pm


Hello everyone,

I am not sure if I am posting in the correct

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2011
Sun, 09-11-2011 - 4:23am

Honestly?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2007
Thu, 09-08-2011 - 9:46pm
"She said, "don´t tell me". So if she later finds out, make her remember her words.What´s done is done."


Very true! She is pretty much telling me to not be honest with her, so I suppose I can't tell her the truth even if I wanted to.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Sat, 08-20-2011 - 11:02pm

I was also born in a very traditional Catholic family and since I was a teenager my mom scared me to death with her remarks about having sex before marriage. If I would have had sex before marriage or worst got pregnant. I´d rather commit suicide because for the rest of my life, I wouldn't´t

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2007
Tue, 08-16-2011 - 11:49pm
I like that response, it's polite and straight to the point. Thank you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Tue, 08-16-2011 - 5:38pm

Ok so I get your confusion. she says she doesn't wan tto know but then flat out asks you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Mon, 08-15-2011 - 11:35pm

You keep adding details...like her catching you off guard and asking you if you've had sex.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Mon, 08-15-2011 - 11:28pm

>>One thing I left out in my initial post was that, I HAVE tried talking to my mother about my views on having premarital sex, and she refuses to listen. She tells me that she just doesn't want to know, and that if I WERE to have to have sex, she has instructed me not to tell her. So what am I to do?

Why do you feel a need to talk to your mother about your views on premarital sex?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2007
Mon, 08-15-2011 - 10:02pm
You make many good points, when I have heard her speak about other girls referring to how hypocritical they seem for wearing white on their wedding day when they have been either living with their bfs, or have been very open about not being virgins, she says stuff like "People know that she is not a virgin anymore, people aren't stupid, how can she wear white, it's so obvious???"....i'm assuming she is somehow acknowledging that she knows that it happens.

And you hit the nail on the head-- I dont want to tell her because I don't want to disappoint her. And it seems that as long as she holds on to her stance that "Premarital sex is bad" and that "I will be disappointed in you if you do it"...I just won't be able to be honest with her at all.

My bf is a bit flustered about the situation, given that we have been going on two years doing what we have been all along, being untruthful and getting away with it, and doing what we want. And now I am at the point where I think I should just stop everything altogether so that I won't have to lie to my mom. When I told him this he became a little frustrated because, like he says "You are an adult, and can make your own choices." Unfortunately he doesn't understand all that I go through because he has parents that understand that it is a normal part of life and relationships. He just doesn't seem to understand, and I can't really blame him.
Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Mon, 08-15-2011 - 8:34pm

IMO you should not tell your mom that you have had sex. If she asks you outright you can politely respond "I thought you said that you didn't want me to tell you if I did or didn't, so why are you asking?"

I think that on some level your mother realizes that you are not a virgin. You've told her that you don't share her beliefs on premarital sex, you've had 2 long-term bfs, and she probably gets enough media input to hear that many young women don't wait until marriage. She's pretty much painted herself into a corner so to speak, by telling you that if you have premarital sex she will be disappointed in you and not see you the same (possibly meaning have a lower opinion of you). Those statements pretty much shut the door on honesty, because who wants to disappoint her mother or have her think poorly of her? Then she tells you that she doesn't want to know if you have sex. Yes she's in denial, that's her choice. Sometimes she wants you to refute what she suspects is true and so far you have (with lies). Since you're feeling so guilty about lying then you should stop answering her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2007
Mon, 08-15-2011 - 6:10pm
Wow, that is very interesting! I was not aware of that! I will definitely read up on that more.

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