Major Crisis...Need Help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2003
Major Crisis...Need Help!
Fri, 10-10-2003 - 7:43pm

I am experiencing something right now that most people don't have to go through. My divorce was final on May 19, 2003. I filed for divorce due to my ex-husband's infidelities, lies, and money spending habits. We have a 3 year old baby girl together.

In early September, I discovered that he had tried to obtain credit by using my social security number and name by applying for credit cards over the internet. He put me as the borrower and him listed as the co-signer or authorized user but his address, his contact phone numbers. He even used my mother's maiden name.

I took action...put a fraud alert with the credit bureaus, filed a complaint with the Federal Trade Commission, and as hard as it was, filed a police report. I was able to obtain through the different banks copies of the online applications which I turned over to the police. I even had one of the banks research to see what IP address was used for the online application; which I also turned over to the police.

I asked him what he did, he said he did not know what I was talking about.

On October 1, my ex attempted to have me served with court papers at work. He actually wants to open up the divorce papers again, hold me in contempt of not complying with visitation of our daughter (which is bogus...there has been occassions that he hasen't even shown up), and wants money.

This week the fraud/identity case was assigned to a detective within the police department. And, yesterday, my ex was confronted at work by 2 county police officers. They went through his apartment, confiscated his computer, and went through his work.

And to boot, yesterday was out daughter's third birthday.

He immediately started harrassing me at work with emails and phone calls demanding that I fix it and stop any proceedings. He turned on me and said I did this to him and it was my fault. He said he is going to lose his job and it is my fault. Also, he is Canadian and has the threat of being deported now. He asked me how I am going to feel when our daughter asks me why I made her daddy lose his job.

I need help working through my feelings. I am experiencing tremendous guilt and sadness. But, I did not do this. He made the conscious decision to commit a felony, break federal laws, and attack me once again. But, I don't want to be responsible for someone losing their job, or going to jail, or be deporting. I feel guilty for the possiblity of taking my daughter's father away from her. I am sure what he went through yesterday was just terrifying. But he did this to me? Right? No one made him do this. To me, this is a big deal. He was declined on the credit cards he applied for; but there may be more I have not found yet. If I had not done something, I could be sitting here in debt up to my ears with no financial future for me or my daughter. I am convinced if he had gotten the credit cards he would have maxed them out like his others and let me pay for the consequences.

Please help me rationalize this! I need desperate help here. I would not hurt a fly and am completely out of my eliment with this police stuff. I have never even gotten a speeding ticket and I am 34 years old. I don't know what to do or think. My head is spinning.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Fri, 10-10-2003 - 9:22pm
Oh, sweetie! I feel for you.

This was not your fault in any way. HE did these things so HE has to suffer the consequences. You are not "doing" anything. Did you lie? No, you told the truth. He is a manipulator and he is trying to make you do the wrong thing here.

You tell your daughter, if she ever asks, that "daddy made some mistakes" and now he is getting punished.

Think of it this way. If you let him get away with this, you will be teaching your child how this is OK. You can't do that. You have to stick to your guns and show your child that even adults have to play by the rules.

I know it is hard, and you will still feel guilty, but don't ever think this is your fault. Do you honestly beleive that if you let him go that he wouldn't turn around and do this again?????

We are here for you!

Ejkdmom Come visit my store:
Avatar for cl_2and1more
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Fri, 10-10-2003 - 10:05pm

This is out of your control.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Thu, 10-16-2003 - 10:58pm
My husband's ex did the same thing with his credit... she ran up 44k in debt. Luckily, it was investigated and instead of going to prison she agreed to pay off all the debt. Now, it's on his credit report that he was a victim of identity theft. Things are fine now (4 years later...) Hope that is some relief.

you are doing the right thing. He obviousy is a good liar, after all, he was able to steal and cheat and lie straight faced about it? now he's using his lies to make you feel bad. That's him MO... shift the blame elsewhere.

How would you feel if when your child grew up and learned of this mess that you didn't do the right thing? No child should be exposed to emotional violence... that's what he's commiting!

have you gotten a restraining order? it sounds like it may be time to get one, especially if he keeps calling. Or, tell him that all issues besides your child's health, education, visitation should go through your lawyer and not you.

Hang in there...Things will get better.