Maybe wrong board but I am so MAD

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2010
Maybe wrong board but I am so MAD
12
Thu, 08-30-2012 - 11:46am

31 yo dear daughter just told me she was pragnant!!! I was always hoping to be happy when I heard this from one of my kids, but I am just MAD.

Her story is she was dating a guy for 7 months and she did not know he was married with 2 kids.  When they met he said, "not married, no children" about 6 week later he told he he acutally had 2 children and was in the middle of a divorce.   All lies.  After about 5 months my daughter had enough reasons to suspect he was not telling the truth and found his wife and called her.  As suspected the wife knew nothing.  My daughter ends the realationship, but she keep working with the guy:smileysad:  Actually her job is tied to his, without him she has no job (odd but true, cannot explain here)  Over the last few months she has come to realize NOTHING this man told her was the truth and she wants away from him.  BUT she just found out she is pragnant.  I am furious for many reasons, first she got pragnant months after finding out this man was a lying jerk, what was she doing sleeping with him!!!  Second this so called man told he he cannot afford to support her financially with this baby, she starts thinking about an abortion.  Then he calls his parents to tell them and they have the nerve to call her and want her to keep the bady.  She will have NO job, cannot do what she does pragnant or with a baby, she flies all over the country doing work. NO insurance for this pragnancy, and will most likely be a c-sectin (daugther has had some female problems).  Was on Depo Provera when she got prognant, baby may have birth defects. So called father is unwilling to help financially because all his money is going to his soon to be ex-wife. (because they had always wanted her to be able to be a stay at home mom).

So while his ex-wife stays home with his other two children, this poor child will be in a daycare, possible with special needs and no support from this so called dad.  AND to boot his child support is 2x the money my husband and I raised 2 children on with both of us working.

Daughter had career goals that just started coming together. She had personal goals, that will be impossible pragnant or with a child, one that she just spent $25,000 on.  She was going to do some higher level horse showing so now we have a pricy horse 5 states away that has not even been picked up yet.  She will not be able to afford living in the town she is currently in much less board the horse with a baby and a lower paying job.  (she had her finances based on a high paying job,no baby)

We have told her NOT to base decision on money, we can help, but she would have to come home for us to be able to afford it.

She is thinking she should abort, I am so mad I cannot advise rationally, what a mess.  Like I told her "either way you are screwed" no pun intended.  Guilt of an abortion or a baby with a guy she just wants free of.

k

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
Fri, 09-07-2012 - 6:11pm
1st of all no matter what he WILL have to pay your daughter child support...it doesn't matter what HE says at all...that's the law..IF she goes after him for child support which she NEEDS to do if she decides to have this baby.It's the law.I'm so glad that your daughter told this man's wife! It's not your daughter's fault...maybe she had gotten pregnant before she found out he was married...? you know? I would be mad too at the whole thing but please try to not be mad at her.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Fri, 08-31-2012 - 10:36pm

I know birth control is supposed to work, but I know a woman who has given birth to three children while using various birth control pills.  I also know a couple where the husband had a vasectomy and the wife got pregnant 2 years later...no birth control is 100% effective except for abstinence...not that I'm saying adults are always going to choose that pathway.  I just wouldn't be surprised she got pregnant on Depo Provera.  Though these are just off-the-wall comments by me.

Even if you know a "good couple" who would like to adopt and your daughter chooses to put the child up for adoption, make sure she sees a good attorney to be sure everything is handled totally legally.  You don't want any legalities to come back and bite her in the arse!

I have grown children, and I understand how frustrating some of their decisions can be.  When you're 30-something, you ARE definitely an adult, but that doesn't mean we mothers don't still WISH we could strangle them now and then when they do something stupid.  It IS difficult to stop being their mother long enough to stick a sock in our mouth, but as we both know, sometimes it is necessary.  Be there to support her, but she will have to make her own decisions.  You obviously love her even though you're disappointed and mad right now.  Just remember not to say "I told you so".  Good luck to you all!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2011
Thu, 08-30-2012 - 10:55pm

It is probably not a good idea for her to still work with the guy the stress may prove to be too much. She should go to the hire ups and and explain the situation and maybe they will give her a nice severance package and allow her to collect unemployment. she would then qualify for medicaid to pay for the pregnancy. It is very important that if she decides to have the child that she get prenatal care.

If she decides to have the abortion you should support her. Yes she made a mistake a BIG mistake, but she is still your daughter and needs your support. I know you are angry but you need to calm down and be there for your daughter. If she decides to have the child she should sue for child support right away. He should not be allowed to walk away without helping support this child. Good luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2010
Thu, 08-30-2012 - 6:20pm
"I am personally anti-abortion, and think that a woman should think of the consequences of sex before she gets into a position where she becomes pregnant"

She was on Depo Provera, so is a shock she was even able to get pragnant. As far as adoption, that is a option I will address with her. I even know the prefect couple unable to have children of their own should she decide that is the best option. AND yes they would be very happy to raise this baby.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2010
Thu, 08-30-2012 - 6:15pm
No sexual harassment. They are co-workesr, complicated by what they do for a living. Easily discribed they are a purchasing team, the go from state to state, do reseach for land purchases by major companies. They have appartments, they see for about 2-3 days a month:smileyhappy: The work itself would not work with a child in tow. AND she wants away from him, hence not job, or at least on that pays in the style she is used to.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2010
Thu, 08-30-2012 - 5:39pm

I actually did not lecture to her, kept saying thing over and over in my head though.  Told he "I have no advice, I am too mad to think straight"  not sure if that was right or wrong but had "nothing" to say to her that I thought would help.  Yes venting here does.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2011
Thu, 08-30-2012 - 5:25pm

Honestly I se a major sexual harassment lawsuit here if nothing else. I am sorry but no job is worth this. To say with out him she has no job is totally well untrue. I don't know if he is the boss who started the affair under false pretenses or what. The fact is that your daughter continued it despite the truth. So I can't say if either party is right. But did she continue because of threats of losing her job? If so it is a lawsuit even if the affair started out mutually. So contact a lawyer about that regardless.

The pregnancy is another story. Wether you agree with abortion or not. I will tell you it isn't your decision. But just be supportive regardless of what your daughter does. She got pregnant the father of the child is not stepping up to the plate again the best thing is to consult a lawyer regardless. Again Was he threatening her job?  Even if he is he is  the owner/boss of the company then your daughter needs to step up to the plate and report him Take her licks in her part of this mess and again this is sexual harassment! Esp if she was threaten and agin a good lawyer can help sort things out

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Thu, 08-30-2012 - 5:24pm

My advice to my daughter in this situation would be for her to see an attorney.  The man fathered a child and like it or not, he has an obligation to pay child support.  Child support has nothing to do with the relationship between the parents, child support is the right a child earns by being conceived by two parents.  The right to financial support has nothing to do with whether he accepts the child or sees the child or even wants to admit it's his child.  The child's right is already there!

I am personally anti-abortion, and think that a woman should think of the consequences of sex before she gets into a position where she becomes pregnant, but alas, that isn't always the case.  She is pregnant now, and she's 31 years old.  She will have to decide for herself whether or not to raise this baby.  She could make a childless couple very happy if she gave the child up for adoption to a couple who is in a position to raise it...which is always an alternative to abortion. 

You should not simply pay the bills for the child; that's her parents' responsibility.  Help your daughter pay for a good attorney, give the child your love and financial support in addition to what it's father is legally obligated to pay, but NEVER just give up on the father's responsibility for child support simply because it's "too complicated" to take him to court.  That isn't fair to the child.  If your daughter doesn't want to use "his money" to raise the child, then she can put it all in a savings account so the child has a college fund when he/she grows up.  But, don't let this bum off so easily...maybe paying the piper will help him think about keeping "it" in his pants next time and another young woman won't find herself in the same position with him!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2010
Thu, 08-30-2012 - 12:36pm
My husband's and my first suggesting was to get this so call father to sign off on the child before it was even born and we will deal with caring for him/her. If he is not going to support then he can just get lost. BUT my daughter thinks it is wrong to bring a child into the world and keep it from knowing its dad. YET she is thinking about an abortion, messy very messy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2004
Thu, 08-30-2012 - 12:09pm

Personally I believe the baby is an innocent soul who did not ask for any of this.

I think the father should be a man and step up to the plate and help your daughter with her situation, since the one who got her there.

Your daughter should not back down...perhaps even secure an attorney to help her get her just desserts.

I can be quite demanding...so personally, if this man (I'm assuming he IS a full grown man) does nothing...your daughter should confront the wife and let her know what a genuine piece of work he is and let her know that she's carrying his baby...let's see how "this" woman reacts.

Bottom line, you daughter has to look after herself and the baby and she needs to be strong when it comes to this man and what she expects.

Just my 2 cents.