MIL

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2003
MIL
9
Sat, 11-29-2003 - 3:20am
Hello there. I am going through a situation with my mother-in-law and sister-in-law. My husband and I just got married in October but we dated for two years previous to that. His mother and sister were nice to me the first couple of times I met them. Then they seemed to get bipolar or something and began blaming me for any fights they had with my hubby. All the time constantly if his mother and him or his sister and him got into a fight or anything it was my fault because "he didn't act that way when I wasn't there". Then his sister started getting mouthy with me over our first summer together. I told her she was selfish and spoiled and she threw a phone at me and threatened to kill me. All this stress led to the miscarriage of our first child. About three months later I became pregnant again. We didn't tell anyone until I was four months along. Then it all started over again. His mother called him one night while he was at my house and said that all that mattered now was his sister, him, and his mom and they had to take care of eachother. She knew I was pregnant at this time. It still further on continued. At dinner one night, his sister and him got into a fight. She left the room. His mom made the comment, " Do you want your baby raised in a dysfunctional home?" When he asked if she was calling me dysfunctional, she said no me, you, and your sister are. But our child was not going to be raised in her home. In April, I had my baby shower and at my baby shower she smacked my hubby because he told her he didn't want to hear about her boyfriend. At this time, we were living on our own. He was 19 and I was 18. Our son was born in June. At the hospital, she made sure she had morepictures taken of her with our son then I did. One night after I got home from the hospital she came over. She sat down in front of our son's bassinet, looked up at me, and said don't mind if I call myself mom to him. Then one night my hubby and Iwere trying to talk and she kept calling. He told her that him and I needed to talk and she asked Waht do you need to talk about? She kept calling and eventually we didn't answer. So she called everyone she possibly could and told them I was an unfit mother who was neglecting and abusing our son. She even went as far as to call someone and see how she could go about getting custody of him. Our son has not seen her since. However I go over to my father-in-law's every Sunday. I call him Dad because I love him. Well my sister-in-law apparently has a problem with this and wrote me several nasty emails. I just had to see her yesterday at his dad's and all I got all day were dirty looks from across the room. As you, I want nothing to do with his sister or mother. My husband however thinks I should forgive and let them see our son. He really hasn't supported me through this. When his mom or sister say something about me he doesn't say anything back. But when I say something about them boy do I hear it. What do I do?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2002
In reply to: lil_stephie69
Sat, 11-29-2003 - 7:07pm
There isn't much you can do to change their (your MIL, SIL and DH) behavior - only your own, or how you respond to what they say/do to you.

It sounds like a terrible state of affairs, and considering your SIL's erratic, abusive, manipulative behavior, you're doing the right thing by keeping your son away from her influences.

Part of what she said, "don't mind if I call myself mom to him" sounds VERY strange to me... almost like there's a mental problem going on. Not that this would cause her to harm your son in any way, but does make one very suspicious, ya know?

Bottom line: this is YOUR son, and you and DH get to call the shots about how he is going to be raised, and which people are allowed to influence his life. I wouldn't keep your son away from your MIL and SIL JUST because you are angry with them, but I WOULD keep him away if you think they would harm him or misguide him in any way. It's wrong to use a child as a weapon to manipulate others, but it's your parental responsbility to raise him in the best way you see fit and protect him from harm. If you don't think they would harm him, then you should probably find a way to allow visits - under your supervision, of course. If they can't accept that, then that's their problem.

As for the threats to take him away from you because you are *abusing and neglecting* him and are an *unfit* mother, I wouldn't lose any sleep over this. As long as you are taking good care of him, then you have nothing to worry about. Even if she *reports* you to child protective services, they will investigate and if they find nothing wrong, then nothing happens. If they DO find something wrong, then at least you will have a chance to deal with it and correct the problem. They WON'T just take your son away and give him to foster care or to someone else. For her to win custody, she would have to PROVE in court that you are an unfit mother, and that SHE is a better mother. LOL - not likely!!!

No, the situation sounds to me like your MIL and SIL just don't like you, for whatever reasons they have. Doesn't matter. Let them wallow in their dysfunctionality and you just go on building the best life you can for you, DH and your son. That's all that matters. Life is filled with people who will or will not like you, and you'll have to deal with them. Yada yada yada... don't let them stress you out!

But I do have to say I think your DH has some growing up to do... Once married, a couple make a complete commitment to each other, and he should be standing beside you and supporting you in these arguments with his family, not THEM (unless you are doing something wrong to them, as well). Sounds like he's not mature enough to stand on his own two feet, especially against these two manipulative, aggressive women. I guess I can understand (my father was like that).

I'd advise having a heart-to-heart talk with DH about his commitment to you and your son, and what he thinks of his responsibility as a husband and a father. Because THESE roles should be his FIRST priority; and his role as a son and brother come second.

Hope it works out for you... Best of luck!

Msfit


                  &nbs

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2003
In reply to: lil_stephie69
Sun, 11-30-2003 - 2:06am
I just wish DH would understand
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2003
In reply to: lil_stephie69
Sun, 11-30-2003 - 4:56am
My MIL told my husband to put his foot down with me about her seeing him. She also told FIL (her ex) that she was going to get DH to come home to her an they were going to take custody of our son. She harrasses my FIL too not just me. She has told her children their entire lives that their father doesn't love them and told DH that it is his fault FIL left her. FIL loves his children very much. I know because we visit him every Sunday.

SIL told FIL that I got pregnant so my DH wouldn't leave me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2003
In reply to: lil_stephie69
Sun, 11-30-2003 - 4:05pm
I talked to my husband again today. He said he understood and he would email his mom. He started out writing about how she disrespects me and all the things she has said about me. He told her it wasn't going to fly with him. Then all of these feelings he had bottled up came out and he started telling her how much he truly couldn't stand her and that she is the reason we have no contact with her. He told her that he was grown up and she was not his boss and to just stay out of ourlives. He told her about all the problems he had with her his entire life. So I think in a way I helped my DH get out those repressed feelings.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2002
In reply to: lil_stephie69
Fri, 12-05-2003 - 9:14pm
wow - poor guy! Stuff like that must have been eating him alive inside. So good he could get it all out! I wonder... did he actually click "send" on that e-mail? What happened - did MIL respond or call?

Usually when I neet to 'vent' like that to someone in particular, I just type the letter then save it to my hard drive. (Or write it, but don't mail it.) At least long enough for my emotions to settle down and think clearly about the consequences, about a day or two, then re-read what I wrote. If it still sounds like exactly what I want to say, then I send it. If not, then I trash it. At least I can get it off my chest. In my experience, it's been better to wait a day or two before sending volatile mail. Kinda like when your kid misbehaves and you're angry, I've found it's better to delay giving them consequences until I've calmed down and can deal with them rationally.

So anyway, I'm just curious what happened, and how is your DH feeling about it?

Msfit

                  &nbs

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2003
In reply to: lil_stephie69
Sat, 12-06-2003 - 1:55pm
My hubby hit send. So she got the email. My hubby's mom wrote him after he told her to just leave us alone and asked what he wanted for Christmas. He hasn't replied yet. Obviously I was not included and I don't want anything. Even if she bought me something I wouldn't take it. Last year I wanted a specific perfume and my hubby told her I wanted Bora Bora for WOMEN. Well she went out and bought me a MAN's cologne gift set that had Bora Bora for MEN in it. It said plain as day on the box in big black letters FOR MEN. I know it was intentional but I didn't say anything. I didn't want to hurt her feelings.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2003
In reply to: lil_stephie69
Sun, 12-07-2003 - 11:22am
Hey I'm feeling much better about this whole situtation. My mother in law emailed my hubby last night and said some pretty nasty things about his dad and me.

However, I got a tarot reading last night for free in a yahoo chat. I didn't even know the woman was reading my cards. I was just pouring my heart out to her because I needed someone to talk to. Then all of a sudden she said you will get justice in the end. So I asked how she knew this and she said she was reading my cards. She told me it would be a long ugly battle but in the end justice would be served and my husband and I would be strongly united. She also said that we will sever all ties with members of family.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2002
In reply to: lil_stephie69
Mon, 12-08-2003 - 12:50am

I'm so glad your DH is taking a stand (beside you) on the matter, as it should be. It's just too bad that family ties and relationships have to suffer... wish there was a way to resolve things so your MIL doesn't feel like she's losing a son. Like the words in Martina McBride's song "Independence Day": "I'm not saying if it's right or it's wrong, but maybe it's the only way..."


At this point, all you can do is damage control - focusing on not letting the MIL and SIL situation affect yours and DH's relationship. If I were you, I'd avoid making too many critical comments about MIL or SIL. OK, of course you're going to make some, just don't overdo it to the point that your DH feels he's put in the position of defending them - 'cause he IS caught in the middle, and even though he's currently on your side, if you push it too much he may try to be the go-between.


I've always found it best to just do the best I can do; to

                  &nbs

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2003
In reply to: lil_stephie69
Mon, 12-08-2003 - 7:57am
You know I don't even have to make bad comments about either of them. They are doing all the work for me when they send my hubby emails. Some of them he has read are just off the wall. They have been making up stuff that never happened so that has been kind of making them look bad. My husband just kind of sits here at night while checking his email and says, "What are they talking about When did this Happen?"