MIL problem

Avatar for kas9066
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
MIL problem
2
Thu, 04-17-2003 - 9:42am
Hi all, im new to this board. I didnt want to go to dealing with the inlaws board, and this one looked good.

Here is the deal: My fiance's grandmother died this week, and the funeral was yesterday afternoon. It was his fathers mother, and his folks have been divorced for probably 15-16 years. (he is 26, im 22 if that matters). There was a nasty divorce, and a nasty custody thing, and his dad ended up giveing up parental rights (the real reson, i will probably never know) - he had an anfair, and married his mistress, and therefor his mom is very bitter and synical lo these many years later. My finace has not seen his dad or that side of the family for aprox. 12 years - and there was a lot of hurt for him because his father didnt try to make contact all these years. (missed b-days, etc). Ok, so day before yesterday, we went to the visitation (he loved his grandmother very much) when no one was there, and he got to pay his respects, and sign the book. After a long, and very emotional day, he finally decided he wanted to go to the funeral. Not knowing if he would be welcomed, if his father wanted to see him, if we would be kicked out - it took a great deal of courage, and class for him to handle it the way he did. When he saw his dad, they both immediatly began to try, and hugged for what seemd like forever, he was welcomed with tears and open arms by ALL the family members, and a couple of people before we found is father said, "dont leave without seeing your father, he would be devistated". (Ok, sorry this is so long) So he brought us up to sit with them, spent the entire funeral turned 1/2 was around to him, and then we all went to the graveside. There there was more tears, and hugs, and comments like, "its been to long", "lets leave the past in the past", "lets start over". They exchanged business cards, (i guess thats a guy thing) and we were invited over to the house for coffee witht he rest of the family. He wasnted to go, so we went, and they talked and laughed and cried about old times, and new times, and what they are doing now. Then everyone decided to go to dinner, and we were invited, and went, and they talked more - he read the menu to his dad because he is almost blind, and things could not have gone any better. When we left, he told his dad not to let it go so long wihtout seeing eachother again. (basically, if he wants a relationship, my fiance made the first step - its up to his dad to pursue if he is interrested) And everything ended so well.

I have never seen him show so much courage and class. I know how hard it was for him to go there not knwoing what we might face. Not knowing if he would even be welcome. I have never been so proud of him - i cant even put it into words.

Ok, (sorry for the novel) here is the problem - now that you have the background. We knew his mom would have a problem with the fact the he went. So in order to make sure no one told her but us that we went, we dropped by her house and she wasnt there, and she called the cell phone like right then. And he told her, we went to the funeral - and she said, "so what kind of good budies are y'all now?" in a HATEFULL tone. the conversation was short,a nd she was upset, that was when we went to visit, and then to dinner. When we finished dinner we went back by his moms house - we knew it was going to be bad. And she yelled and screamed and bashed his dad from one end to the other, and brought up all the bad things from the past, and carried on, and said "its true, when a child is young, they step on your toes, when they are grown, they trample your heart". And how she remembers all the bad things that went on (and brought most of them up) and said, well your a grown man, its your life. (And when she called earier, she was out at her folks house, and of course she bad mouthed to them, and her mom said, well, i guess he is going to be at the wedding {our wedding - which we dont want a 'wedding', and we dont have a date set yet} and they all decied that is his dad was going to be there, they were not going to go! (what a loss <-- sarcasm). Anyway, i got up to go to the bathroom in the midst of her temper tantrum, and when i came back, he had picked up a pillow and was holding it in front of him... a part of me just died. I know how much he struggled trying to make the right decision, and he di it all with more class than all the people in the room put together, and it ended well. (his dad is not in the best of health, and he didnt want him to die with it unfinished) I am so proud of him because it took so much courage. ANd then she beat him down,and worked for almost an hour to make him feel guilty about what he had done - when she should have been proud that HE was the bigger man, and put an end to the past. His dad dint say 1 bad thing about his mom, but she sure did about him - and he noticed that.

I wasnt to be so mad at her, and tell her how hard it was for him, and that she should be proud of him - but i dont feel that its my place, and so i am left with all this emotion i dont knw what to do with!!!!! And on the way out he door (he and i dont want kids) and she said, i just cant wait for you to have kids, and then you can know what it is like to have your heart stomped. ANd i said, well, your going to be waiting a LONG time, and she said, thats not funny. Andi said, thast right, it isnt funny. ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry for the novel - i guess i dont really have a question, but any advice would be greatly appreciated!

TIA,

Katie

Avatar for cl_starrzz_n_moonzz
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: kas9066
Fri, 04-18-2003 - 11:45am
I totally agree with novembersky. If I was him the conversation with his mom about his dad would be off limits. I would let her know that yes he loves her, but he also has a right to love his father. I think he sounds like a great person. It takes a lot of courage and a lot of soul searching to come up and carry out what he did. It only shows what a strong person he is. I would really try to keep the conversations away from his dad you said he wasnt in the best of health no reason to upset him over what his ex has to say. As for the wedding and them not going I would politely tell them that that is their choice and they will be the ones to regret it. People change, that is something she will have to learn to understand or be left out.

I am glad you found us. Please feel free to jump in and post away. Let us know how things go and how he handles it all. We are always here:) Have a good one~~Michelle

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
In reply to: kas9066
Fri, 04-18-2003 - 9:13am
He has a right to see his dad. He must refuse to discuss his dad with his mom. He must politley tell his mom that that topic is 'off limits'. She won't like this at all. But, he cannot discuss this with his mom, it's too volitile an issue with her. If his mom can't take him seeing his dad then that's her problem. Years have gone by and she should have moved on. She will lay the guilt on him. But he should stick to his guns and say I love you mom, but I won't discuss dad with you, it gets us nowhere. Then he should keep repeating this---'I know how you feel mom, but I don't want to discuss it'. If she gets nuts he has no choice but to leave or say goodbye and hang up.