Mom gives $i$ter everything, me nothing

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
Mom gives $i$ter everything, me nothing
10
Fri, 06-20-2003 - 12:17pm
Hi Everyone,

Thanks for reading my post. I'm trying to tackle these family issues one at a time. Please let me know what you think:

My mother has always given everything to my sister, money and emotional support. I have confronted her over the years, even my mother's friends have! and I've been to counseling as well, nothing has helped and now I feel on my own to tackle these issues. We don't know her motive, but the dollar amount has really added up. My sister has been given a $350,000.00 house, $50,000 cars, a trust fund, a college education, credit cards, expensive & sentimental family jewelry, etc. etc. She took 14 years to get through college and lived for free while living from a trust fund set up by my mother.

I know the monetary issue should only be an issue but my family continues to belittle me and talk behind my back along with numerous other things. Then I can't help get angry over how much my sister has gotten while I put myself through college and lived in HUD housing and ate potatoes to get through school while they ate at Spago's in Beverly Hills! I don't know if my sister knows that I have never been given anything, but I'm sure she does. I have never confronted her and it angers me thinking that she willingly takes and takes from people and while I suffer. She has never once offered to help me or share anything, but rather they keep everything a secret as if I'll never figure it out! It makes me so angry to hear how she has a housekeeper, gardener and husband who sits on his butt, for free! He doesn't work. I have even asked my step-father how he thinks they can justify all this and he has actually said that sometimes life IS unfair and just deal with it! As if I should ignore what my sister gets. I almost can't look all of them in the face anymore and it makes for very difficult family gatherings.

Should I ask my sister if she knows that I've never been given anything, I'm sure this will create a huge tidal wave, she's practically bi-polar and will surely go off the deep end. I think she's afraid I may get some of her money somehow???? I really think she's glad I don't have anything, we have a very distant strained relationship at best.

My mother refuses to discuss the situation anymore, we've gone around in circles for years about it. All she says now is matter-of-factly, "some people benefit at the expense of others".

Thanks for listening!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 06-20-2003 - 3:34pm
hi

It sounds really as though you got the short end of the stick when they were passing out families. There isnt anything you can do to change them. I know this sounds morbid but maybe pretend like they are all dead and move on with your life. They obviously dont respect you or care so why worry about them.

My cousins on my dads side are a lot like your sister. They lived across the street from my Grandmother growing up. They were given the cars, houses, the best of the best of everything while my siblings and i had to eat oatmeal for three meals a day when her loser son abandoned us. She told me i should drop out of college, which i had a full scholarship for, and take care of my handicapped sister while her son lived a nice life off her money, and she paid for my cousins' college education.

Finally i realized i was never going to be in the will anyway so told her off. She and her disfunctional family are out of my life and i am better for it. I think you need to realize your family doesnt deserve you or on a happier note (although not likely) you were switched at birth, and make a happy life for yourself, your SO and any children you may already or will have.

Sorry. It just makes me mad to hear how bad they treat you. Plus ive had 2 glasses of dry white wine :) (it 9 30pm here). I doubt mentioning it to your sister would do anything. Im sure she knows, like my cousins, the difference and revels in it. It makes them feel special, and makes them think that they are more deserving and better than you are. I know you want to be close to your family but its a dream. I know because i wanted the same thing and finally determined it wasnt worth the abuse i was receiving.

Good luck and i hope you realize that you are much better than how they treat you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 06-20-2003 - 4:41pm
When the $ runs out (as it almost always certainly does) and your sister/BIL have no skills to fall back on, you can relish in the fact that you have done everything on your own. Trust me.

My sister has also always been given more money and emotional support than I have (though not to the amount your sister has). She has lived with 3 abusive, drug and alcohol addicted men, has a child and is now divorcing. She can't find suitable day care because she can't afford it. She doesn't have anything.

On the other hand, I'm the one who has never gotten anything. I now own my own home, have a wonderful husband and two wonderful kids.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
Fri, 06-20-2003 - 6:44pm
Thank you and everyone for your replies to my toxic family. It really does mean a lot to me!

I actually have tried the "my parents are dead" when asked many times by insurance agents why I didn't get on my parent's policy? I got tired of being asked why by them. Too bad I couldn't use that excuse when applying for college financial aid when my mother wouldn't sign the papers and divulge her income, lying would have been a federal crime.

I know I'm better off without them and realize I can't have them doing these things to my kids. But it's difficult to let go and especially when everyone makes it seem like it's MY fault! My sister and brother in-law actually accused me of making my mother an alcoholic, like I actually forced her to drink. It makes them feel better for taking so much and like you said, they feel special. I never thought of that. It must really be important to them to feel special!

My sister has a decent job now as a biology teacher after 14 years in college! But, I'm sure you're right, some day it all may be gone. What goes around comes around!

Thanks again!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Sun, 06-22-2003 - 5:57pm
Why does this story not surprise me. My sister and I were also treated differently by my parents, once we became adults. My sister married a doctor and my parents spend gobs on money on this huge outlandish wedding, and gave them all this furniture from their own house. And every year at Christmas, my mother sent both my sister and her husband $200 each. In the meantime, I was living in a low income apartment complex, where I was too scared to walk out the door most of the time, had a car that broke down all the time so I took the bus to work, earned $6.50 an hour, and never once went to my parents for help. But they were always giving and giving and giving to my sister. The only reason I can think of is, they felt she was more successful and deserving than I was, given the fact that she had married by age 23, to a doctor. I don't really care so much, but it does make for an interesting observation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2003
Sun, 06-22-2003 - 10:32pm
I just had to say something here, not because I was offended or anything but because in my family it was sort of the opposite...which was ok with me, actually. I was the sister who married young at 20, and a doctor (well...optometrist). But my parents did not fully approve of the marriage. They thought I was too young. However my DH and I moved across the country (MN to TX) and they kind of left me alone...I mean, they almost NEVER called me and certainly never offered a dime of assistance, even though they were more than capable of doing so financially. I was happy with my DH (still am, 6 years later!) but I missed them in my life, it took forever (until after the birth of our DD) for them to really get involved in my life again. My older sister on the other hand, always lived less than an hour away from them and she was single until recently, which of COURSE is not a bad thing, people's lives run on different time schedules! But it always sort of hurt to know how much they were involved in her life, and how she could call them any time day or night (and still could) and Mom or Dad would come rushing to her side to help her with anything, from a clogged sink to college tuition. Anyway. Just wanted to let you know I understand from the other side of things!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
Mon, 06-23-2003 - 12:16pm
Hi lendamiller,

Thanks for your post (and everyone else too!).

I really am beginning to think my mother gives everything to my sister (and including attention) because she feels she is more of the underdog like my mother often mentioned about when she was growing up. She has said she wasn't pretty, didn't have dates, couldn't learn because she couldn't see the school blackboard until 5th grade because she needed glasses, etc. and I think she thinks my sister will be more loyal to her for helping her out and she's winning my sister's loyalty by making her dependent upon her. Also I was daddy's little girl while growing up and my mother was jealous of that. She has often said that I am my father's daughter and my sister is HER daughter. So from that, I think my mother thinks that my sister is more deserving and she does it for revenge. And it gives my sister some satisfaction to feel more special and since she didn't get much attention from my father growing up.

Doesn't it upset you that your sister gets so much more than you? If it doesn't, how do you ignore that? I can't seem to do that. At least you don't owe your parents anything and you have the satisfaction of knowing you accomplished everything yourself! Kudos to you!

Now, my mother hasn't answered my recent emails so I suppose she isn't speaking to me since I've tried to confront her. Also, my grandmother (her mother) hasn't emailed back recently either. She always has taken my mother's side in the past and I suppose this is no exception. So I may not have to make the decision to have them out of my life, they may have already made the decision!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2002
Tue, 06-24-2003 - 2:09am
Cagirl wrote:

She has often said that I am my father's daughter and my sister is HER daughter.

Same thing happens in my family, but the other way round. My mother insists I'm like her and that my sister is like my father. I can't understand why parents play off their kids like that!

I read your response to my post about my freeloading sister - how your sister used to steal your things and your parents always giving her money. Luckily for me, things didn't turn out like that in my family. My parents, esp. father, just seem to have a high tolerance for her BS and they always have lot of excuses for her, which is annoying. I don't know how I'd react if they were giving her tons of money as well!

Anyway, I just wanted to say that it's great that all your achievements were accomplished through your own efforts, and no-one can take that away from you. And as you pointed out, your sister is dependent on your mother, so she owes her for that. It's tougher to do things on your own, but in the end, you only have yourself to congratulate for your independence.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2003
Wed, 07-30-2003 - 6:26pm
cagirl767,

First I want you to know you are not alone. I am the oldest of three girls and my parents give my yougest sister everything. Even as a child she was showered with money and love while I received nothing. Now we are all adults and this pattern continues. Everything is done in secret, like I didn't notice the brand new car in her driveway that she can't afford! But I have really come to terms with all of this, with a lot of help and reading a ton of books. And now I can really live in peace. I am just curious, are you the oldest or youngest?

Also

Check out this web page. It really helped me

www.luke173ministries.org

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2003
Sat, 08-16-2003 - 5:02pm
I am the youngest and sometimes my parents help me out with monetary support but it doesnt happen very often. I am in school so I think it is ok, geez they dont buy me brand new cars or anything. But my two older brothers get all the emotionally support and they can do no wrong. They also get showered with attention while I sit in the background. It has been like this for a very long time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
Sat, 08-16-2003 - 11:53pm
Hi deniseross,

I am the oldest like you are, I wonder if this makes a difference at all? Really I think it may be that my mother is jealous. She sometimes mentioned things like she never had dates growing up, and she wasn't smart, etc. She said I could marry anyone I wanted (somehow that makes sense to her) then she'd try to put her responsibilities like a college education on my current boyfriend, or a husband saying HE should pay for it!

How do you get along with your siblings now and how about your parents? Have you ever confronted any of them? I'm not positive if my sister knows the way I've been treated but I'm sure she does and I've been wondering a lot lately if I should tell her or not. She's soooooper sensitive and I think if I told her she may feel threatened and I'm walking on thin ice with her as it is. For some reason she's always been distant with me, i.e. never returns calls, never writes back, never says thank you for the gifts I send her son, etc.

Thanks for the websit, I'll check it out.