Mom trouble please help!

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Registered: 12-31-1969
Mom trouble please help!
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Wed, 08-29-2012 - 11:25pm

Hello All,

I am nearly 7 months pregnant. I'm due in early November. :smileyhappy: When baby arrives, it should be MY big day, right?

Well, my mom and I had a little dispute earlier. Somehow the subject had come up to where she had planned on my sister to come to the hospital when the baby arrives. The problem? This is where it gets complicated.

My sister is a little bit older than me, but she is mentally impaired. She is a very nervous and jerky person. She is obviously uncomfortable in public. She is not the most hygienic person and she likes to put her hands on everything in site. She will intensely stare at you (not in a mean way, just in general). She also has threatening tendencies, but I don't want to get into too much detail about that. The point is, this is someone who makes me nervous and I prefer to not have her around, ESPECIALLY in a setting like a hospital and my baby. My mom thinks I am just "being mean" and "picking on her." That is not the case. My mom lets her do as she pleases and does not want to control her.

When I had my last baby, my mom had brought my sister over to the hospital unannounced. She left for a little while and came back with her. I was not happy about this at all. She waited until my boyfriend had left to do this, but maybe that was just coincidental. The worst part was, she had let my sister hold the baby! I was so upset and stunned I didn't know what to say or do. Although nothing happened, it was just the point. Then after a while she was there, she just helped herself to whatever food was lying around and my mom does nothing about this. And the staring thing, that is just something that bothers me in general. I do not like it.

Earlier this month, my baby had his first birthday. I heard nothing at all about my sister attending the party. The night before the party, mom comes over and says that my sister is going! I am getting real tired of her doing this. So she ended up coming. I didn't know what to really tell my mom except to keep an eye out on her and make sure that she does not touch the food. I would get it for her. She said okay. What happened? My sister got a hold of something and my mom did nothing about it!

So now you know where I will be running into a problem when this baby comes. Earlier my mom tore me apart saying that I shouldn't be like that toward my sister and that she doesn't get to do too much and she had pretty much told me in so little words that she is coming whether I like it or not. I didn't know this was all planned out, as it sounds like, but I should've assumed so.

My mom is not someone you can talk to about my sister. You can hardly talk to her about anything without her blowing up at you. She is a negative person and thinks the world is out to get her. It is getting worse with age. I know my mom will not believe anything I say about my problems with her, it will just be that I am picking on her and I hate her, etc. Now I am at a point to where I can no longer take this. I am thinking about not saying a word when this baby comes. I just don't know what else to do. Is this the best way to go about this..?

My family thinks that I am "mean" to my sister as well, based on whatever my mom has said. I have some problems too that she will never understand. I am truly nervous when my sister's around and very uncomfortable and my mom knows this. That part is visibly obvious. I know she's not very clean and when I see her touch everything it just makes me crazy. Again, the staring issue really bothers me too. I don't think that I am a mean person or being mean. My boyfriend and his family do not think I am being in the wrong here. They believe that my mom should respect my wishes not to have my sister present at the hospital. They also do not think that my mom should be automatically including my sister into every big event.

So I don't know what to do here. I really wish my mom could be at the hospital, but I know she will not be the only one there. I can't talk to her about this because all hell will break loose. It seems my only choice it to keep everything a secret and go along with having the baby without her knowledge.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I am sorry it was long!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Thu, 08-30-2012 - 5:12pm

The hospital where my grandchildren were born has a waiting area with a receptionist who checks out every visitor who is allowed through the doors into the birthing/new baby area.  They stamp the hands of people who ARE allowed in, and NOBODY gets through the door without their hand stamped.  This all started because of the privacy laws dealing with medical issues and because of the fear of a stranger getting near the new babies.  It is a VERY nice set-up because the woman at the "gate" is like a drill sergeant and is absolutely GREAT at handling those who don't follow the rules.  It seems YOUR hospital needs to change their procedures if your sister got through the check-in process even after you said NO! 

I understand your situation better now that you say you have some OCD issues.  We have some OCD in members of our family, and it's definitely not just you being "unfair" not wanting your sister in the room...OCD is a medical issue and it isn't like you're just able to not be bugged by being stared at or being concerned about cleanliness around your new baby. 

Obviously your mother doesn't see your condition as "real" as she seems to think you can just not be that way.  Is she open to reading anything you might give her on OCD and your dealing with it as a medical issue you have no control of instead of her thinking it's just about your sister?  Maybe that would be a different way to discuss the subject with her.  We may laugh at the TV show "Monk" sometimes, but having family members with OCD, I undertand that these behaviors aren't really funny, and that they are very real to the person suffering from OCD and accepting and understanding your condition can make a big impact on our life everyone in your life. 

Might it help to address it with her as a medical issue on your part?   Obviously she makes accommodations for your sister, perhaps she needs to realize she needs to make accommodations for you as well. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Thu, 08-30-2012 - 2:02am

When my daughter had her children, the hospital asked who she wanted in the delivery room.  If daughter said "no" to someone, the hospital staff took care of keeping that person out. 

 They didn't come out and say "No, you're not invited in" but they suggested it was hospital policy to keep the number of visitors into the maternity ward down.  You're paying big bucks for having things your way, and hospital staff has heard just about every possible scenario when it comes to who wants to be included in watching the delivery or being in the room with the new mom and the newborn, so be honest with them that you'll only be in the hospital for a short time and you want that time to bond with your baby WITHOUT the hassles you'll feel if your sister is allowed in.  It's their job to insure you the privacy you have asked for.  My daughter's obstetrician was FABULOUS at handling a rotten sister-in-law who wanted to invade DD's delivery.

If your sister is a real issue for you on an ongoing basis (and it seems she is), I would probably seek the help of a counselor to deal with how to handle your mother foisting her into all your activities.  While I can understand your mother not wanting her excluded, I don't think it helps a mentally impaired person to be given in to with regards to everything they want because that sets them aside as even more "different" since, after all, other people have limits so why shouldn't she be given limits.  It doesn't help your sister learn what is socially acceptable or not.  And, it makes everybody resent her. 

I'd talk this out with a counselor at some point so you will feel more comfortable with regards to dealing with your sister and learn how to better talk to your mother to simply say "NO, not this time!" 

Again, as for the baby coming...first off, congratulations on your soon-to-be new arrival...you'll have your hands full with two children so close together for sure, but what a JOY...second, YOU set the rules and get to make the choices with regards to your hospital stay...let the hospital staff and/or your obstetrician handle any potential "sticky" situations.  Good luck...happy delivery and best wishes for a healthy baby!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Thu, 08-30-2012 - 12:54am

I can understand your mom wanting to include your sister in the big event, BUT I'd say IF your really that uncomfortable with your sister being around and holding the baby etc,. then you need to express this to your mom. Maybe your sister can be there BUT your wishes are that she doesn't hold the baby UNLESS YOU are also there in the room with her keeping an eye out. It's YOUR baby and your mom needs to understand your discomfort with the situation and respect your wishes. If she can't then maybe she shouldn't be there at the hospital. Good luck with the situation sweetie.