Momma Drama

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2011
Momma Drama
12
Sun, 12-04-2011 - 10:57pm

My mother ruined Thanksgiving. She can be demanding on what she wants to do and will bring negativisms with her. This time hubby and I were picking her up to meet family friends to eat Thanksgiving dinner out. We were originally to pick her up at one time, and then she calls me a couple of days before to ask that we pick her up to be there 30 minutes before they arrived so we could sit, have a cocktail and wait for them. Well the change in the schedule put a little crimp in our routine. We were about 20 minutes late. Of course my mother wasn't happy about it. She was so negative. Then she starts going on about how something else isn't making her happy. What the subject was about is of no importance. I kindly asked her if we could talk about something more positive for Thanksgiving and she went into a tirade! She said "I will talk about anything I want to talk about!" She was ranting on an on, saying that I am always late. Well the apple doesn't fall far from the tree does it. She has been late for a lot of things. I also told her that we would be there in time to get settled. She just went on and on. She was berating me and I had finally had enough and snapped. We were going at it and my hubby said that if we both don't shut up he wasn't going. My mom snapped at him and he said "That's it!". He let us out at the place and drove off.

My mother acted so unphazed by the whole thing. I was livid. I was giving her dagger eyes and said to her: "Are you happy now?" She didn't say anything. Our friends (one couple) showed up about 15 minutes later. I was the first to meet them and they asked where my husband was. I told them his mother wasn't well. We meet with my mother who comes out of the bathroom and go into the lounge and have a cocktail. This is where my mother told them laughingly what had happened in the car, saying that "because I was a bitch he isn't coming". I was mortified. My mother could never keep any secrets. But, she is so concerned that I will tell everyone her personal business she will call and leave three messages on my home and cell phone not to ell anyone. But she blabs to mixed company about me or my husband.

I had already decided when my husband drove off I had had enough. Her being unphazed and telling them what happened was the tipping of the iceberg. I was so upset I could barely eat or make conversation. I should have gone with my husband and left her to be on her own. She would have deserved it.

The next day I wrote her a letter. Mind you, this isn't the first time I have written a letter to tell her I was pissed at her for something. It's easier to write her a letter without her interrupting me!

I know the real reason why she exploded in the car. Her lifestyle will have to change in a couple of years, since she found out her finances won't sustain her for the way she wants to live in style. She has expensive taste but a beer budget. I have told her to save more money. She does doe stocks (which aren't doing that great) and some other things. She has never been good with money. She feels she has no control over her situation. The economy and her spending habits and trips have taken a toll.

I told her about this and that it is probably the real reason she blew up in the car. That and that she has no control or tact. Over my lifetime, she has blabbed mine and my brother's business to mixed company which was embarrassing. My grandmother has always said she needs a guard at her mouth. She says exactly what she is thinking. I told my mother to seek professional help for her lifestyle change or she will become bitter and alienate everyone. She usually uses me as a sounding board for her problems. I usually leave deflated and drained from it. I told her in the letter about that too. I also told her she carries around negativity and uses it later to complain about it. We will be out together, have a nice time, then right before I go home she goes in on how she was not happy with something I did about a week ago. I had already apologized for it. We tend to lock horns and she cops the guilt trip and I apologize. Well no more!

I haven't heard from my mother in over a week and a half. She probably is pissed off at me and the letter too. I wasn't mean in the letter, but frank. She is used to dishing it out, but not listening. Should I call her, write another letter or just wait?

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Avatar for deenow17
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Wed, 12-07-2011 - 6:11pm
Yep, you hit it right on Mom.

Now that she is in supervised care, I leave her alone a lot. She yelled at me recently & I left her alone for 6 wks until I had a call with a changed attitude. It lasted for one visit & now I'm not sure if I will see her at Xmas. Getting better at walking away.

The letter writing worked at making me feel better because I would get my anger out in what seemed to be a more rational state of mind rather than when I was furious. It's a bit like writing in a journal which I do when really stressed. Don't really care how she feels about it.

Because I rarely got any positive reinforcement, I'm crazy about doing it with the kids. Verbally, using cards & notes - whatever. Now they are grown, I found out that they kept my cards & notes from their teens. Nice to hear now after all the times I heard I hate you during those fun years. lol

Dee
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009
Wed, 12-07-2011 - 11:56pm
It sounds like your letter writing has had an impact, especially with your kids. Good for you! (oh yeah, those teen years were fun, huh? haha)

Your mom is still yelling at you? Geez... Some people never, ever learn, do they?

 

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