more sister problems

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
more sister problems
8
Tue, 06-17-2003 - 4:49pm
Any advice would be great. My sister and I do not get along well, our relationship is horrible, she always does everything she can do to put me down every time I with her.

I try to avoid her when I can, I do not respond to phone calls unless she calls more than once in a 24 hour period. My problem is my mother is coming into town soon, and she expects me to hang out with my sister (the three of us -- alone). My mother always sides with my sister, so if I try to distance myself from my mother, I will have no family, it is basically just the three of us, and that's it. My sister knows this, and she basically gets away with everything she does, because she knows that we have no other family whom we can count on. I am so scared to hang out with them, my sister is going to throw some kind of fit, and I know I won't be able to just sit there and take the abuse. It is your basic verbal abuse, "you will never get anywhere in life, you are going to get fired from your job, and/or your boyfriend is going to dump you for someone younger." (note: I am a hard-working individual, I have good job experience in my field, and I am working on an advanced degree while employed full-time). I am stating her abuse mild and nice here, there are deeper issues as well, such as her racism. I try to be calm, but my sister keeps going and going with the abuse no matter what I say or do. The last few times it happened I left them and drove home, and told my sister I will return when she apologizes. I hung up on her five times before she realized I was serious. I am tired of being the one who always compromises for the sake of sanity. She needs to take responsibility for her emotional tirades that serve no purpose but to cause harm. So how do I hang out with them and still keep my sanity?

Avatar for sara24
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 06-17-2003 - 9:42pm
You're a more patient person than I am. I'd have reached the end of my rope and told her to "Shut the he\\ up unless you wanted me to start disecting YOUR perfect life, Sis". Chances are that she's completely insecure about her own life and makes herself feel big by trying to pick apart yours.

Sara

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2002
Wed, 06-18-2003 - 8:17am
Why would you want to hang out with them? You said your mother *always* sides with your sister, and your sister *always* puts you down. So why do it?

If this treatment has been going on for very long, then you are basically on your own anyway. You said you have no other family to count on... Sounds like you can't count on THIS family, either. I'm so sorry you have to live like this - I can't imagine what it would be like to have no family at all.

I don't know how it would be possible to *hang out* with them and keep your sanity. Sounds like a good time to take a vacation away from them both and do something that is sane and constructive for YOU.

Best of luck to you and God's grace...

Msfit

                  &nbs

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
Thu, 06-19-2003 - 3:57pm
You are absolutely right, she is so insecure it is scary. She is almost 30 and has not grown out of it. I have blown my top at her, but it only makes things worse, and I only get hurt more, so I stoppped a long time ago. She is sadistic, she gets joy out of my misery, whenever I yelled back, she would smile, and say even meaner things. I have never met anyone else like her. After months of not talking she calls me and acts very sweet, so eventually I visit her, and eventually it happens again. It is a never-ending cycle. My mother won't have anything to do with it. She wants us to work it out, but I don't see that happening. My father doesn't speak to his brother, my mother doesn't speak to her sister, and unfortunately I see my sister and I headed towards that direction, and it breaks my heart. It is against my morals to stop acknowledging her existence, but I don't know what to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
Fri, 06-20-2003 - 11:24am
Hi Danielle3877

You and I have very similar situations and I have been through counseling over the years with several counselors and have tried to talk to my mother who completely ignores any problem or seems to get a sick thrill from it! I know how you feel, at your wit's end. Dr. Phil says something like, "we do what works for us". So your sister may be doing what she's doing because it's working for her, like she gets satisfaction out of making herself feel better at your expense. I know it's difficult to not keep putting up with it in hopes of her suddenly becoming mature. I have just recently realized that my sister will probably never become mature. Granted, we were sort of late bloomers not having proper parenting. But it's really no excuse for adults. You can't force her to get over her issues and hope isn't enough.

Hopefully their toxicity toward you won't affect you or your self esteem. But what about your future, do you plan on having kids and how will they be toward them and how are they toward your current significant other? They won't stop short of just picking at just you, my family hasn't.

You really don't have to make a all or nothing decision. You can keep very distant (still keeping hopes that someday they will mature), you don't have to completely cut ties with them. There are choices. You can have your phone number disconnected or changed, not answer your door if they unexpectedly drop in, you can tell them you're busy for most occasions, only meeting with them infrequently. Maybe that will give them a hint if you're suddenly very busy. But expect to be in it for the long haul, realistically realizing that they may not become pleasant, supportive relatives.

Good luck to you and *hugs*

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
Mon, 06-23-2003 - 12:32pm
cagirl767,

Thank you for your response, I really appreicated it. I have been to counseling too, one response from the therapist was, "your mom and your sister aren't the only people in this world." The therapist wanted us to have family therapy, but my mom cut the therapy off when this was recommended.

The things my sister said/did to me really affected my self-esteem when I was younger, but when I went to college things improved for me greatly. My sister despises my significant other she has done everything in her power to break us up. she lies to my mom about him, she tells me "he's evil." She told me he's not allowed in her house. This is because he is the wrong race, we are all white, he is just the wrong kind of "white." I am very lucky that my boyfriend is mature enough to realize that we have a good relationship, and not let her atitude ruin that. My mom believes my sister's lies. I have to meet with them this weekend because my mom is coming into town. I will meet with them only one day though, because I don't think I can handle more than that.

I decided to take night classes to get a master's, partly because now I have an excellent excuse as to why I can't meet with them. "Sorry I have homework, maybe next time."

I read your recent posts, my mom gave my sister lots of money too, but I really don't want her money. I can't explain it well, but no amount of money can make up for how they treated me growing up. I would rather have a good relationship with them, but they think they can "buy me" with money. In other words, they think our relationship will heal if money is given to me. Maybe your sister is playing this card with your mom.

(maybe I should watch Dr. Phil! he was right in this case!)

thank you!!!!

Good luck to you and *hugs*

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
Wed, 06-25-2003 - 11:55am
Hi Danielle3877,

So what did the therapist mean by, "your mom and your sister aren't the only people in this world?" Meaning to go on without them???

I wonder if you're considering taking your boyfriend with you to see your mother and sister next weekend? Or is he not welcome? Do you think their minds would change about him if you got married? The reason I wonder is if you do get married to him or anyone they don't approve of, how do you think you'll handle that? My in-laws are very mean to me, and I finally had to put a stop to it. You can only handle so much, no matter how mature you are!

Heck, if your family wants to give you money, take it! Why should you suffer all the way around? But I guess if you don't want to feel like you owe them anything, then taking it wouldn't be such a good idea.

Good luck this weekend and let us know how it goes! *hugs*

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
Mon, 06-30-2003 - 12:32am
cagirl767,

This weekend was ok, there were a few tense moments, but most of all we just ignored any and all problems.

The therapist I went to wasn's so good, I was 13 at the time, and I would normally just sit there without talking and she would fall asleep. I think she meant that I will eventually find people who I will have good relationships with, but since they are really my only family, they are irreplacable.

I was nervous/scared about their reaction to my boyfriend, they invited him for dinner, and for an outing on Saturday. I was really pleasantly surprised. I agree with you 100% I can only put up with so much, otherwise I would very unhappy. I am extremely happy with my boyfriend, he's my best friend. I think it is way better to marry someone I get along with, rather than someone who my family gets along with!!! Hah! I think I am way different than my family, so whoever gets along with them, I will fight with!!! What happened with your in-laws?

I am still thinking about the money, my mom is still offering.

-D3877

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
Tue, 07-01-2003 - 7:15pm
Hi Danielle3877

Well, at least they invited your SO for dinner, maybe that was an attempt on their part?

Of course you should marry someone that YOU like and not who your family approves of! Maybe keeping both of you at a distance will help somewhat and like I said, what the heck, take the money (unless you know their are contingencies along with it)!

My family is very stubborn and my DH's. So we'll all probably never end up talking again because I refuse to associate with people who won't apologize or make a sincere attempt, at least maybe yours is!