MOther Daughter ISSUES

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
MOther Daughter ISSUES
Tue, 07-22-2003 - 10:33am
Hi all, I'm new to this board, but I have been perusing Ivillage for years. I'm writing today mainly to vent, but I'd love some input on this long mother daughter fiasco. I'll try to make it as short as possible.

Our father (my sister and I) passed away when I was 10, and they had been divorced since I was 2, so we were raised by our mother and never had any real relationship with our father. My mother never had a good paying job, but my grandparents (her parents) had money and supported her and subsequently supported us. They paid for us to have a live in nanny who fed us, bathed us, took us to school and put us to bed. They paid for us to go to private school, to college and eventually both of our weddings. We spent weekends, summers and holidays with them and even went on vacations with them. They were a very special part of our lives and they both passed away last year.

I can't sayt aht my relationship with my mother has always been strained, but I've never felt very close to her. I always felt like she didn't really "get" me. It's not that I'm that different, but I am different from her, she's artsy, member fo a book club, throws dinner parties, her status means a lot to her. I was in the restaurant business for 13 years, and that was never something she felt comfortable telling her friends about and she couldn't relate to me. I know this doesn't sound that bad, and it wasn't it was just a dissapointment to me that I never had the mother that I really wanted (too bad - I know)

Then my grandparents died last year and everything hit the fan. She assumed the position of Matriarch of the family (something she feels entitled to) and she believes that now she should be respected for who she is and all the money she has, now she has three homes. One my grandparents bought for her when she left my father, one belonged to my grandparents which she stole from my sister and I 12 days before my grandmother passed away, and one she bought (with money she didn't have)whch she is rebuilding with the money she inherited. She thinks she is this high and mighty important person when she is a regular person with money she didn't earn. The house she "stole" was willed to my sister and I for 12 years, and when my mother found out she confronted me and told me I'd have to sell it and give her 1/3 of the money, when I told her we'd think about it, she had my granparents sign a change to their will that gave her the house, than she denied that she ever did it.

I am writing today because it is a 16 months later and today we are going to our 1st therapy session and I don't know what I want out of it. my sister and I greed to go to therapy with her and to make an effort at reconciliation, but I don't know if I want her back in my life, and if I do what kind of person she will be.

Anyway thank you for letting me vent and any advice or comments would be greatly appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Tue, 07-22-2003 - 10:44am
Good luck.

The only advice I can give you is to be honest at the therapy sessions. If you voice your issues in a safe place (therapists office), then you have at least started.

You may find out that you don't want a relationship with her. Or that she doesn't really want one with you. Or, you may find that you both love each other dearly and want to work things out.

Whichever you find out, that is OK. But you have to be real in the session for the councelor to help you.

Ejkdmom Come visit my store:
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Tue, 07-22-2003 - 10:54am
Thank you.

I think you are right, and that is why I would only meet her with a therapist, I want to be honest and i want o get as much as possible on the table. I guess when I started thinking about what i wanted to say about her and our relationship I realized that I didn't respect her and that would be such a harsh and mean thing to say, but I think that is the root of our problems. I come from the belief that you respect your parents and you love them for who they are, I find it so hard that I feel this way about my mother,; especially since I am now a mother too (13 months old). I can't imagine him not loving me, or not wanting to see me again, it would just break my heart.

I hope this works out :-)

Avatar for cl_starrzz_n_moonzz
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-22-2003 - 7:12pm
I really think you are taking the right steps. I hope that things get worked out and you can really open up with the counselor. I know it can be hard but you have to get this out. I feel that talking to an objective person you might get a better insight into what is happening and a better way to deal with this situation. Sometimes are parents totally confuse us and I know that most of the time they don't "get us" they see what they want to see and some things just get swept under the rug. Like you said it sounds like you two never "c;licked" not that you hate each other and I think you are being very strong to go and talk things out and get a better grasp on this. I hope things go welll just be honest with yourself and your feelings. Please if you ever need us we are always here!! I know it helps me tremendously to get things off my chest rather than exploding on my family. Please let us know how things go for you, others here could benefit from your experience. Remember we are here for ya. Until then~~~~~~Michelle
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Wed, 07-23-2003 - 9:43am
Well I went to the therapist yesterday. I know it is the right step and it is a good direction, but I came out of it now better than I was, and thinking she s just as much of a thieving, selfish cheat as she was before, but now I add liar as well. She went to a therapist with my sister as well, and when she went she was consiliatory (sp.) understanding, apologetic and kind. With me she was angry, defensive, stiff and closed off. She didn't even hug me at any point, yet when she saw my sister she hugged her so hard and wouldn't let her go. from the beginning of this fiasco my sister and I have presented a shared front and until the therapy sessions neither of us has veered from that so if she's angrywith one of us she should be angry with both, at least until the therapy sessions when who knows what comes out and how she feels about it. We are going to continue with the therapy sessions, which I think is a good idea, but I just don't know what we are going to get out of it????

I am really lucky I have a MIL that I really love and get along with so well.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Fri, 07-25-2003 - 12:39pm
Sounds like you're handling it very well. It's sad but sometimes families just aren't what they're cracked up to be. It's great to try to work things out but sometimes you just have to accept people for what they are and move on. You can't change her, but you can decide not to let her get to you any more.