A Mother, Daughter, Picture Mess

Avatar for stacy257
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
A Mother, Daughter, Picture Mess
7
Fri, 08-29-2003 - 10:49am
Hi all, I have a dilemma and I would like advice from the mothers of adult children especially. My mother is 65+. I have 2 siblings, 1 of whom my mother is very proud of because he is married and has given her grandchildren. My brother is gay and I am over 35 and never married. She does not agree with my younger brother and my choices. In her living room is a picture of my older brother and his wife and another pic of my mom and dad, but there is not a picture of my younger brother or me. I have expressed my disappointment to her and she said she wanted pics in her living room of married couples. Well, I figure it is her house and she can do what she wants but I do feel her action is insensitive. Should I be irked? Because I am.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Fri, 08-29-2003 - 11:31am
i would be a little hurt, that is showing disrespect to you.

i am an only child, so i cant say that i know what you are going through, but i do know that i would definitely be hurt, and she may think she is trying to prove a point, but it makes her look ungreatful that she has two other children that love her, it can only backfire on her, she is showing undue favoritism.

i'm sure that she does not love you any less. she is just set in her ways, most older people get set in their ways, and there is no way to change it. alot of times their love, is what I call "hard love".

tracey

Avatar for stacy257
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Fri, 08-29-2003 - 12:13pm
Hi Tracey, thanks for the feedback. I just read your post about your father and just shook my head. It is amazing how insensitive parents can be! I read a chinese proverb recently that said parents will always love their children more than the children love their parents. I'm not so sure.
Avatar for nmillerhhi
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 08-30-2003 - 12:25am
I would be hurt and upset. However, your mother is set in her ways, it's her house and there's nothing you can do really. You can point out to your mother that you are all three her children equally but she will not hear you.


Nancy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2003
Sat, 08-30-2003 - 8:48am
That is true ur mom is a grown woman and can do what she wants, but I think that is AWFUL. I wish I had some big ol framed pix of u & ur brother to put up on my wall because I would be happy to ;-) But 1 good way to look at it is be glad ur not the type who got married and had kids w/ some jerk just so ur mom would be proud! With ur mom's attitude I think a lot of daughters would, which is pathetic!!! Its so good to live for u! Your mom frankly needs to wake up and smell the coffee. Hugs, Rhiannon
Avatar for leslie2353
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 08-30-2003 - 2:18pm
Your mother is showing (rebellious) to you that she's DISAPPOINTED in both you and your brother BECAUSE you're not married and knowing your mother probably wants you to settle down have a family so she can see you HAPPY (even though you are) and know where your future is going. In other words, she want to see you living a normal LIFE with families.

By showing off your brother's family photos, she's saying SHE'S PROUD OF WHAT HE HAD ACCOMPLISHED. Even though she doesn't recognize your accomplishments could be a career with a good paying job. To her, that's not an accomplishment unless you have your own family. It's hard for her to accept.

I don't have pictures of MY SISTER AND HER FAMILIES in my living room, because my sister and I have nothing but fights and she made my life a living hell when I'm around her. (I don't have pictures of cousins, because it would mean I'm playing favoritism, just the photos of my kids, because I treat them equal. I have albums devoted just cousins.)

My DH's grandma didn't have PICTURES of grandchildren, or other relatives on her display, because she wasn't happy with them. I don't have a picture of DH's mom in any of my displays, or avoid her, but I have with all of his FAMILY. But, whether he noticed or not, he never bat an eye. I display who I want, because I LOVE THEM. But, you're right it's my home. They don't have photos of me displayed on theirs? Even though they once did!

I understand.


Edited 8/30/2003 2:24:30 PM ET by leslie2353

Avatar for stacy257
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Tue, 09-02-2003 - 12:45pm
Thanks Rhiann! Nice to know someone truly understands. I must constantly remind her that we are all good kids. We are not on drugs or anything and most important we are all nice people! She should be proud of that fact alone! And I agree with Leslie too that it is her house. I guess that's why I haven't pushed the issue. I can understand family members not getting along but it just doesn't seem right that a mother doesn't have pics displayed of all of her children.

--stacy
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
Tue, 09-02-2003 - 1:19pm
Perhaps you could make an appointment and have a family portrait done. Include the married family too! Perhaps your mother would like that.

good luck,

Danielle