mother taking back violent husband. worrying!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2009
mother taking back violent husband. worrying!
16
Sun, 03-20-2011 - 6:45am

Hi

I've had a look through a few threads but am otherwise new to the board. This is the first place I thought of for impartial advice, having had some good advice on the in-laws board.

i'll try to keep it short and explain as much as I can.

My mother and father divorced 11 years ago. She met another man a year later, they moved in, but did not marry. He was an alright guy to me - I was in my early teens at the time - and we did some stuff together and I was also a bit of a stroppy teen at times - it seemed pretty normal. Unfortunately, he died of cancer in 2004, and my mother was alone again. She then met one of his friends, someone I'd only heard not great things about. I'd moved to college at this point and he moved in with her, so the first I met him, he was already living in my home. It was odd at first, and never stopped being odd. He was and is an alcoholic, has drug problems - including harder stuff - is part of a biker gang with a violent history, and has mood swings that don't seem to be triggered by anything. The first thing that worried me was the first time my boyfriend came to stay with me at our home, my mother was fine with it, but he decided to start a fight with her. i was trapped in my room with my bf, too scared to go out for all the shouting, swearing etc. Eventually it went silent and my bf had to go back home, but that's when I realised things were not 'normal'. I was scared to be there. I got to go back to college and tried to visit home less and less. Once I had to go home with my bf and my mother's partner would not talk to me or my bf. She told me that he didn't like my bf, because he hadn't said hello immediately when we arrived

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Mon, 03-21-2011 - 12:49pm

Unfortunately, there is no "talking" someone out of an abusive relationship. You can lead a horse to the water, but you can't make them drink. She has to come to a point where she is just sick and tired of it all. He seems to use all the tricks abusers use, such as coming around a while after the fact, so the memory of what happened had time to fade a bit. So sorry you're going through this. All you can do is lend and ear, say your piece and hope that one day the light will go on.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2011
Mon, 03-21-2011 - 11:05pm

I don't believe i'll be able to get through to her. She seems to humour me when I say anything, like i'm wrong to question her living with an abusive alcoholic. I think I will make her angry if I question her some more.

Yeah, some people retreat when their friends are trying to tell them something. She knows that the relationship is just no good and she's living in denial. If you think she will retreat then it's better to not say anything about it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2002
Tue, 03-22-2011 - 9:38am

Hi, I have no experience with this, but, wanted to tell you that there is a great article on the subject in the March issue of Good Housekeeping, with Valerie

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2009
Tue, 03-22-2011 - 12:58pm

Thanks for the tip!

I'm trying to read as much as I can about

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Tue, 03-22-2011 - 1:05pm

Please keep us posted. I really hope she doesn't take him back.

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Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Tue, 03-22-2011 - 3:15pm

Have you presented your dilemma at this board related to Domestic Abuse?

http://forums.ivillage.com/t5/Recognizing-Dealing-with/ct-p/iv-rldomesting

They might have some advice that could help. And I'm wondering if there's anything that you could say to the prosecution that might convince the court to be strict with him? I can understand that you might not want to testify against your stepfather but maybe something could be done without him or your mom knowing?

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