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|Sun, 07-20-2003 - 2:17pm|
I am grown up. I am over 25. And I have my mother yell at me like I am a 16 year old, needless to say that my opinion is not even heard. I am the kid and I will be the kid for the rest of my life. What a nightmare! What an embarrasment infront of my friends, boss, colleagues, and lovers!!!
There is no way to make her understand how to respect me. I have given up.
I hold more diplomas then everybody I know!. I passed the hardest schools (85% drop out rate). Next to school and university I always worked and sometimes finished 40 hour trainings. I am a model too, I get offers every week for a show or such. And I work at an office during the day and study at night. I nearly break my neck with my appointments!.I almost dont know where my life is leading me right now. I am trying to and suceeding in everything I do. It's freaky. I need to give it up. I have ruined relationships with man because of my 'need to achieve some HIGHER goal', plus my mother will only accept a guy like Gates, Trump or Kennedy because love doesn't matter anyway. The only thing that counts is that I am married to some crazy big shot.
-HEy, aehmm..anybody cares what 'I' think about that?!..
I realise that I can not make my mother accept me just for who I am. I always have to achieve something to be of worth for my mother. That freaks me out. I feel like the son of Dr. Evil in Austin Powers.
There's no way to satisfy her. I thought of breaking all contact and moving to another continent (yes, I have done that before for 5 years, and regrett that I came back.).I am a single child, so it's even harder for me.
The thing is that I went to do a big job in a foreign country with many other girls/woman like me from all over the world and I learned that I am valuable and I should just enjoying life for what it is. That I have self-worth regardles of what I achieved and that next to that, I already achieved a lot. And I liked it. And I like myself now.
And I am not willing to work my ass off anymore for the vanity of my parents('the family'). I want to enjoy life because I missed out on a lot while getting all my diplomas and playing my 'role' while I was younger. I want to be loved, accepted, respected just for existing, not only for my achievements. I will continue to achieve my goals anyway.
What do I do with my freaked out mother? She has moods in which she drives me nuts and expects me to be the next ruler of the world.
I want to spezialise in Human rights. But I see how I change, how I become bitter over the yelling, the insults, the calling me lazy, the calling me names, etc.. I grew up with it. I never learned much self-worth. But now I have it and I will not give it up again. I can not satisfy my family anymore. I think the only way to satisfy her is to be Lora Croft, or 'Superwoman' and I am tired of trying to become a superhero. In the end I am just a regular human being who has flaws and does mistakes.
The constant critics/attacs on my person make me work harder, but wear me out. I do work hard on myself, but I would do the same if I had positive feedback instead of negative. I know I can't change her, but I think my sensitive personality is breaking into pieces over this and I will be a second Dr. Evil when I am her age. I miss the 'human touch'.
thanks for listening,... and don't tell any of this to the political party my parents want me to represent in a short time. I want to go with the oposite party, but my mum promises to break all bounds with me if I do... Freedom of choice.Family matters.