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|Thu, 06-26-2003 - 2:38pm|
I am new to this board, but God do I need to vent. I know that it is probably politically incorrect to say, but I hate my mother. I have been told my whole life that I should honor my mother and father, but my question is why should I? Why should I show respect to a person who does nothing but critisizes me and tries to control my life. My father died when I was 13 (I am now 28) after a very long, very painful illness. I also have issues with my father. He was sexually abusive to me when I was 12. Something that I still have a very difficult time trying to deal with. My mother is aware of the situation between me and my father, but everytime I have mentioned it, she makes it about her. She thinks I am trying to make her feel guilty. Never once has she taken a moment to understand how it has impacted my life. My mother's new husband also knows and says that my father deserves forgiveness. Who the hell is he to tell me that? He isn't the one that had to suffer years from depression and shame. He isn't the one that has had to rationialize how a father who supposedly loved his daughter could do that to his own flesh and blood.
I feel extremely guilty about hating my mother. She loves me in her own way. She has also helped me out significantly monetarily. She thinks that because she has helped me that it gives her the right to say whatever hurtful or careless thing that comes into her head. She is overweight. By the time I was in my young teens she was telling me to not get fat. Well, ultimately, I did gain weight. Now, she is constantly telling me how beautiful I used to be. Because she has helped me with money she feels she has the right to tell me that I am irresponsible and that I make poor choices. I am the only one of my siblings that has held a job for over three years. I pay my own rent even though both of my olders brothers in their mid to late 30's have lived at home rent-free for months at a time. I came to this town to get a four-year degree, and I did. And yet, my mother thinks that I am a failure. She has accused me of being on drugs (I don't even drink). She is indifferent when I am sick. She ultimately has no maternal instincts at all. As long as I have food and clothing her duty to me is done. She has shown no emotional support or warmth to me whatsoever. I feel that everytime I start to build any semblance of self esteem, I see her and I am back to ground zero. What should I do?
I have tried to distance myself emotionally and physically from her, but how do I get so that her thoughts don't affect my life and self esteem so dramatically? How can I begin to develop positive relationships when I truly doubt that my parents have ever really loved me. In a way, I know that they do love me. But, their love has brought me so much pain. I feel so angry at my mother. I don't want to let go of that anger because then I might take the chance of letting her back into my heart. I don't want to take that chance again. I want to move on and never look back. But, it's my mother. How do I trust someone who constantly hurts me. How can I respect someone who doesn't respect me?
Anyways...Thank you for letting me vent. I do feel somewhat better.