My 16 yo slug with a G.E.D

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
My 16 yo slug with a G.E.D
11
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 1:51pm
Alot of you don't know me, some of you may...in short to catch you up...my son has been in and out or trouble for many years, I have done everything possible to turn him around included detention and then Division of Youth Services stepped in about a year ago. Well since then he has gotten his GED because he would not stay in school and I felt I did everything I could to ensure he has some kind of diploma to fall abck on. Anyhoo since he gradutated June 14th, he now eats sleeps and poops, uses my phone, steals my car, stela my money, and does nothing but be a sleeping 16 to 20 hours a day...now before of any of you jump to conclusion read this...

I called the julvinal center, they won't help me until he arrest for some crime but the local police when I call them won't arrest him for steaing my car...see he is a minor and lives with me..kinda like that community property thing...he has ever wreaked my car...I had taken drastic measures to stop him from taking my car while I am asleep, from hiding and sleeping with my keys to putting an indestructable lock looped from my sterring wheel to the seat bolted to the floor, hide those keys and he still gets my keys and then makes copies. So off goes the coral wire every night, the the little creep, flattens my back tire, switches my wires around just to spite me cuz he can't drive my car. Oh he has a permit to drive, he has 2 tickets already for driving without a lisc,

Now I am told my Director of my county that I cnnot kick him out he is a minor, I cannot emancipate him, yep he is a minor, his dad is not an option, I can't even file a retraining order against him.

He invites kids to spend the night and I wake up with 4 kids in my home, I call the police and nothing happens the cops shoo them out and I am left with a screeming foul mouth kid.

Every place I turn I am told on he is a minor...so I am stuck with this kid, who won't look for a job, sleeps all day and up all night...and confronting him could get me shoved or pushed by his explosive temper...so I am told to remain calm and if I ask him to clean his room and he doesn't don't confront him...let it go.

He smokes pot in my home when I am not home and the Director says well then if you call the police and they smelli t you will be aressted...I said to this guy so what youa re saying is you won't help me? He says he has done nothing yet that I consider serious...I said oh yeah right but if my kid gets into my car and kills someone you will be the first one to send his ass to jail and then go after me for being an irrespnsible mother.

No matter what door I open, it gets slammed, if I kick him out...anything he does I can be held finacially responsible for unitl he is 18...

Is this a screwed up county or what...

I refuse to roll over for this kid...if he shoves or pushes me I am just suppose to stand there and remain calm and call the police and when they come I get this...domestic disturbance and the refuse to take my assult complaint...shovig someone is not considered an assult.

Any suggestions????

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 7:46pm
I am sorry to read about your troubles with your son. Sorry to say this but I was kind of a troubled kid myself. I do not think I went to those extremes as far as drugs and stealing my parents car, but I was headed down that path before I got pregnant with my son at 16. I moved out after I had my son, I had just turned 17. My parents did not want me to move out, so they really went to extremes as far as what they allowed me to take and much much more. I was only allowed to take my clothing and my sons things when I left. I started out with an apartment but NOTHING to put in it! I had no kitchen utensils at all (not even a fork or cups), no toilet paper, not wash cloths, towels, well you get the idea. But I was to stubborn to care and I thought I knew everything I needed to know. I got a rude awakening!

Anyway, my Mom had taken me to get on a welfare program (waiting list)called section 8, when she found out I was pregnant. It was for assistance with housing rent etc. In fact, I did not have to pay rent at all. I learned real quick that I had to work for everything I wanted and needed. Call around and see if you can get him on a program like that. I had a child so that may have made a difference for me.

Another idea that my parents did with me, is actually a simple one that might solve the stealing of the car problem. When I got my license (even permit) kids under the age of 18 had to have a parents signature in order to get them. Well I had my license when I moved out, but not for long! My parents went in and removed their name from the paper work. Therefore my licensed was revoked! I received a letter in the mail telling me that I no longer had a license. If you can do that, I would think that the cops would have to charge your son for driving without a license. Wouldn't they then be obligated to look for the stolen car??

Maybe you can call your insurance company and remove his name from your car too. Then if he steals it and wreaks it they can sue him for the damages. That might be a long shot and end up costing you more money in the long run. I am not familiar with insurance other than knowing that I pay them WAY to much of my hard earned money! Call another insurance company and don't give them your name, hen give them the story of what all is going on. Maybe they can give you an idea and tell you if that will be a good idea.

Unfortunately you are responsible for him and his actions. Why can't you emancipate him? That sounds like it might help. Keep track of every phone call you make to authorities, lawyers and any other calls that have to do with getting him help. That way if something should ever happen, you have proof that you tried everything to get him help.

I know I have rambled here! Sorry! If it makes you feel any better, my parents tough love things really sucked and I thought I hated them for a while. But that has made me a better person and I have not been in any trouble since I lived at home! There really is hope. Don't give up on him, but at the same time don't let him know that the hard steps you take to try and help him, are killing you inside. Did that make sense? Just make sure you remind him how much you love him and that you only do things to try and help him become a responsible adult. That's your job as a parent. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2003
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 8:12pm
"Anyway, my Mom had taken me to get on a welfare program (waiting list)called section 8, when she found out I was pregnant. It was for assistance with housing rent etc. In fact, I did not have to pay rent at all. I learned real quick that I had to work for everything I wanted and needed. Call around and see if you can get him on a program like that. I had a child so that may have made a difference for me."

--- Yes, you are right. There is no way that would have happened if you weren't pregnant and then had a baby. This country seems to think that any teenage girl who gets pregnant deserves a free apartment, healthcare, etc, but people w/o children can sleep on the streets. Go figure!? BTW I'm not saying you didn't deserve help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 9:35pm
Yes, that is rather strange. Its the same in Canada. The more kids you have as a single parent, the more money they give and the bigger apartment etc. etc. Its almost like they are encouraging young girls to have babies! Then when they want to find a job they discover that its pretty hard to get a job, pay a babysitter and end up with as much money as you had sitting on your duff on welfare!! Its a real vicious cycle - more or less the only way a girl gets off welfare is if she has a relative as a free babysitter.

Stupid!!!!!!!!

It also sounds totally ridiculous that a young man (not a child at 16) can terrorize his mother and the authorities wont do anything about it until he commits a crime. What about stopping it before it happens?

Stupid again!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2003
Sat, 08-09-2003 - 12:36am
The sleeping thing intrigues me... maybe you should have him checked for depression. Women with depression are weepy while men are usually just sleepy and "lazy." He might have no ambition because of depression and doesn't want to tell you. Hope that helps.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 08-09-2003 - 12:48am
You know sometimes the "stupidity" of today's world never cease to amaze me.



Nothing burns my butt more than seeing someone take advantage of the welfare system. I have ranted about that many many times to my family and friends. I rant about it because I busted my butt to get off welfare and if I could do it by myself like I did, anyone can! My tax dollars could be going to someone that works their butt off, but yet still needs help to better their kids life. Better yet my tax $'s could be going to my children's school so that we did not have the budget cuts that we have now. I guess your post hit me wrong because I am not like the people you seem to be complaining about. I stayed on welfare for 2 years, only long enough to finish school so that I could have more options to support my son. If I was not so totally humiliated by welfare in the 2 years that I was on it, your post problem would not have bothered me.

Yes everyone should be smart enough to not get pregnant until they are married and plan everything out before they have a baby. I am a product of people having kids before they are ready to put their children first. I was raised in foster homes from birth until I was in 8th grade, when I was adopted because my bio parents did not think before having kids. My bio parents were very unstable people that did unspeakable things with my sister and I, until I was able to break ties with them at age 20. I acted out the only way I knew how, by rebelling against the world. Is that any excuse? No, it is not. Even as a teen I should have known better. But reality is that most teens do not think of the consequences to their actions. But some teens do step up and take responsibility for their "mistakes" ( I hate to call it that because thinking of my son like a mistake just seems wrong). But I stepped up and took responsibility for what I had done and I got off welfare.

I HATE to see teens who still think it is ok to "hang out and be a kid" all the time, without putting their child first. They blew that chance when they got pregnant. I worked weekends and went to school during the week because I knew my son deserved better than me and I wanted him to have a mom that was worthy of him. I used childcare vouchers only until I finished school and then I paid a baby-sitter out of my pocket. I had no free baby-sitters or even family to watch my son. I did everything on my own and I would challenge anyone that says it is too hard to work your way off welfare, to try try again. The cycle is only as vicious as people let it be. The people who think it is so vicious are those who do not want off welfare. That is where the government needs more regulations. I say that from experience not what I heard or have seen.

And I agree that welfare can be vicious cycle for girls who abuse it. But please do not judge other girls who just might use it as a temporally fix to better their life, like I did. If you all did not mean your post in the manner in which you wrote them, I am sorry that I have gone on here. I just wanted to see if my experiences could help that lady with her problem. Again, I just wanted to help her, not be bashed because of the "stupid" mistakes that I made. I am so proud and I stand tall because I know I worked hard for everything I have in order to give my kids a life that is worthy of them. I do appreciate you saying "I'm not saying you didn't deserve help!" It was a nice thing to say, but your post seemed to say other wise.








Avatar for cl_2and1more
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sat, 08-09-2003 - 2:58am
Oh honey, as I was reading the posts about people who abuse the system I was worried that you would feel it was an attack on you. But it seems to be they were talking about the system itself and the many people who choose to stay there and the fact that the system makes it easier for them to stay there than to try and get off welfare.

You have done so much with your life. And you are so brave for sharing it here with us. You open up your life just to try and help someone you don't even know. You do not deserve to be bashed and in this case, I really don't think the posters meant it that way at all.

thanks for being here and being willing to help others. We too have been on the "system" when our business faulted and we had to file bankruptcy. We lost everything that we had, and yet we gained so much from the experience that I would never change what happen. I am a better person because of the experiences that I have had.

Melissa

Avatar for cl_2and1more
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sat, 08-09-2003 - 3:22am
Wow, you have been through so much. It is hard to believe that when people go look for help there is none to be found.

You must still have some control over your son because you helped him get his GED. Can you get him to talk to a social worker or therapist?

I am surprised that you can't get more help. Have you talked with children services? People place their children in foster care. Now they will not want you to do that, but they should have help for you. I know this all turns around and points a finger at you so getting some help is hard.

I would try some more things to keep your son away from the car. Look into different anti-theft devices and see what is available. Maybe you could park in a neighbors garage for a while. If he does take your car again, call and report a stolen vehicle. I wouldn't tell them that you think your son took it. Then I would call again and report your son as a runaway.

I would love to tell you to go through your son's room and throw any drugs away. Take away the tv and the stereo. Everything he has is yours and not his. But since he doesn't respect you and might even harm you, it is not safe for you to do those things. But could you stop doing his laundry, don't clean up his areas, have minimal and only healthy foods in the house, have no long distance service on your phone, things like that??

I would urge you to think ahead. Your son is walking a dangerous plan and you need to protect yourself. Put financial info in a safe deposit box. Lock up extra pads of checks. Inform your bank that you son is not allowed any acess to your accounts. Never leave cash around. Watch out for any valuables that you have.

I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this. I know that it has been a long time. I hope that you will be able to find something that interests him and would motivate him to better himself.

Please keep posting. Even if we are helpless, at least you know that we are here for you.

Melissa

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Sat, 08-09-2003 - 1:33pm
To the poster who was talking about being on welfare and making it on her own - yes I am sure we were talking about the SYSTEM not the people. There are certainly people who get stuck on welfare through really no fault of their own - mistakes they make when they are young - what annoys me is that the system helps or almost encourages lazy people to stay on welfare. That is not to say that everyone on welfare is lazy - far from it.

To the woman with the son problem - I think you need some kind of professional help with him. I can't help in this area - I guess you will have to check around where you live and see what there is. I don't think you can help him on your own.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2003
Sat, 08-09-2003 - 5:44pm
I guess my post might have come off that way but that wasnt how I meant it. Sorry to offend u! I really am. I have a friend who is very much like u I think. She got pregnant at 15 and had her baby at 16, needed govt/welfare help when her parents kicked her out, and now she is 20 and no longer on welfare w/ the exception of food stamps which she still receives and needs. I know that she is not taking advantage of the system because she "can" but because she NEEDS that service to feed her child. She worked her butt off to get off welfare and yes she could have stayed in her $24 apt but she worked to get into her $450 apartment very very hard. I have a ton of respect for her and I admire her so much. I dont blame teens or any women who get preg, I am 18 and have had unprotected sex in my time so I have NO ROOM TO JUDGE that, I could soooo easily be in the same exact shoes and I just got lucky, I realize that. I also agree w/ all the stuff u said in ur post about ppl taking advantage of the system and how the money could go to more deserving ppl. That's so true! I think we have all known ppl who abused the system, I personally know a couple of teens who got pregnant and have not worked or even attempted to do anything to have a better life, they live in govt apts and do nothing, and get aid. They both have 2 kids now and are my age (18) and when they were pregnant a tutor was paid to go to their house and teach them, and give them tests, etc. Its so crazy because on one hand its like, yeah thats good they graduated one way or another but on the other hand how fair is that when the rest of the kids at school were short a teacher 1/2 the day just so 2 girls could sit at home in their pjs and take math tests!? Come on! In my post I was referring to how unfair I personally think it is that the govt will often give a woman who is pregnant or has a kid/kids a place to live, money for food, etc, healthcare, but a person w/o a kid who might be unable to support themselves for some reason doesnt qualify for help. I have just known a lot of ppl who I think needed help but couldnt get it for that reason and teens whose parents kicked them out and they literally had NO place to go but guess what, if they had been a pregnant girl the govt would find them a place. To me thats unfair. I am sorry once again if I offended u, but honestly ur post did bug me a LITTLE because it sounds like the original person who posted is capable of supporting her son or maybe could put him into some sort of institution/program/etc but when u suggested getting him into govt housing and on welfare that just bugged me as a possible solution. I mean, not that I know that 16 yr old but from the sound of it that would be probably just fine w/ him and he'd go on leading his life of crime and chaos only with the govt (and all of us) paying the bills. This is probably WRONG to say but in my opinion it would take a person who is very strong, smart, and ambitious to use the welfare system in a POSITIVE short term way like u did. It sounds like u r that type of person, like my friend is. And I hope Im wrong on this but it doesnt really sound like the original poster's son is that type of person. Sorry this was so long but I wanted to try and explain and also let u know that I didnt mean to attack u in any way I just get discouraged sometimes about the way things are handled in the USA. Sincerely, Rhiannon :-)


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 08-10-2003 - 9:35pm
Thank you ladies for responding back to my post. I was so nervous about leaving a reply back to your post (s), but I was just not sure how you all meant what you had said. I normally try not to respond back with my personal feelings on the message boards because everyone has a right to their own opinions. I apologize for taking it wrong, but like I said, I too get very irritated with people who take advantage of the system. And to be honest I would hate for anyone (even you all, who I do not know) to think I would be one of those people.

And thank you cl-2and1more for your supporting words.That was very kind of you. It is kind of sad that it takes the hard times to make us appreciate the good times more. But that is just another life lesson I guess. Thanks again.

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