My dad does not want to be helped or cured

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2013
My dad does not want to be helped or cured
Tue, 12-31-2013 - 11:57am

Im loosing my patience already trying to help  my dad to recover well  for  his medical treatment that he was under like 2 months ago. I dont know what is going on with him, he simply does not seem to be well. At the family we are doing anything in our power to help him but he does not cooperate either. He rather spend his timne sleeping all day . He simply seems does n ot want to be helped and fight for his recovery. It is all in his mind. He says stlll it hurts but the docotor alreayd told him in his face that he needs to cooperate, but he is not doing it., He is the worse patient any doctor can have,

I decided not to help anymore he is not helping us either.  I let ther relatves to take the burden to try to convince him to cooperate, but Im fed up, as harsh as it sounds it is. Im tired alreayd to try to do my best and all the family  always everyday had given him words of encourgament but we do not know if he listen to us or pay attention or simply he does nto care. He does speak but a lttle and all he says is it hurts and we have told him we know but htat is part of the recovery if he follows doctors order into swallow and drink, like th docotro told him to do,  the sooner he will recover but he seems not to care.

I ask for work vacations to be at the house to help my dad and also other relatives do help, but my time had been wasted, I see him in the same mood state like he was 3 weeks ago.

At home we do not knopw what to do anymore with him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Tue, 12-31-2013 - 1:05pm

Many people go into a depression when they are found to have a major illness....and it sounds like what your Dad is doing.  They just think if they hide their head in the sand, it will go away.   Maybe his doctor can reccomend a therapist or psychiatrist that can help him get out of the depression he's in.  But in the end, no one can force him to do what he needs to do.  Maybe it would be a wakeup call for him if you put him into a Nursing Home for rehab.......and he can see for himself where he's headed if he doesn't cooperate with his doctor!  Talk to the doctor, make sure he/she knows what he's NOT doing, and see what can be done for him.  Good Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2011
Fri, 01-03-2014 - 2:59am

 I agree with the other poster, it seems like depression. Illness takes a physical as well as mental toll on the body. You may want to investigate the medicine he is on. I know you mentioned all he wants to do is sleep some medications can have that effect as well. I myself have been on a medication, that made me depressed and sleepy, it was a side effect of the medication. I also hated being ill and not being able to do the things I normally was able to do and having to depend on other people. Try to be patient with you dad and hopfully he will recover soon.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Fri, 01-03-2014 - 12:31pm

I agree with the other posters.

Is there a 3rd party you can bring in?  Anyone that is not related might be able to help.  

Aside from your father, make sure and take care of yourself.  If you are not healthy, you can't help anyone.  

Lastly, and not make light of things, but maybe he litterally needs a splash of cold water. I don't know, sounds horrible but just kind of grasping at straws here.  But seriously, it sounds like you need some outside help.

Good luck, I am sure this is hard for everyone.


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2013
Sun, 01-05-2014 - 2:37pm

Hello. Yes he is suffering from depression  due to his illness.  He is not under any medications at this moment. The only pill he is taking is the one for his thyroid, but he has alwasy take taht pill for years even before this current illness started. So his depression and low mood  is not due for medications but for the current  situation that is happening to him.

He is the only one who has to acknowledge he wans to struggle and  move on if he does not do that for himself, not me or family members cant do anything about it. that is the sad part of all. Yesterday he want to another follow up doctor appoinment to follow the recovery. The blood exams my dad did the past days were ok and nornal, so that is a good thing. His legs are less swollen than like 1 month  ago. His radiation burn scar are almost gone, which menas the skin is again regenerating. But not of these tiny good things, make my dad to have a high spirit and try to be happier or on a better mood and  know those  things are ok. He keeps to be down and depressed.

Also yesterday my uncle accompanied my mom to the appoinment and the doctor told them that his recovery is slower that he was expecting, he was expecting a quicker recovery. Then the doctor told my dad in his face that he knows he is depressed and he can understand for all what he went through but the doctor told him straight he has to beat the depression now, he has to start doing it but he is the only one who can do that, other people cant do it for him.  He told my dad he needs to start showering again everyday, read, get out of the house, dont sleep the whole day,  distract himself so he has a better mood. and feel better, to help the recovery be faster as it is a toll to all the family if he continues to be down and he does not want to help himself.  My dad does not even smile anymore, like he used to. He rather stay sleeping, cause he says he is very tired or he the weather is cold.  We also understand the part of being tired as the first weeks of the treatment h e barely slept so he has weeks and weeks  of lack of  good sleep piled up.

We believe that whta it is keeping my dad very depressed is the feeding nasal tube he has on now. I mean it must be uncomfortable  for sure wearing that for 2 months now as that is the only way he can eat, so his throat must be irritated a little bit from the tube and that iis why my dad is more depressed. But until the nutritionist  tell the family when to take off the tube, he must continue to eat through it. But my dad also does not want to cooperate to start to eat again by his mouth something mild, like ice cream, soups, baby food, juices, as his throat stiill hurts from the radiotherapy from 2 months ago, the pain goes away very slowly the doctor told my dad, but still the doctor told my dad he has to start eating again as when the tube goes off, he has to eat from his mouth again there is no other option, even if it hurts but iti is a MUST. he has to swallow liquids, soups and mild food to start training his throat again to swallow food. But that is anoher thing my dad refuses to cooperate, to swallow those tiny things as it hurts. Another thing he still is depressed from. I mean he cant really eat  with his teeth yet and crack and broke things  that is why he has to start first from swallowing mild and liquid foods.

I really gave up on him. My mom, my brother and other relatives had tried to cheer him up, telling him good things or try him to cooperate with us by eating or get up from tbe bed or shower one day, but he stays quiet or he says :"Tomorrow I do it". Well there had been already like  "Tomorrows too many times already. He wants us to understand  and be on  his shoes so we do not push him in doing the things but he does not understand that we just want to help him for a speedy recovery with a little bit of struggle of course, but this recovery for sure will take maybe like 2 more months when he should  have been much better by now..

I give up really and Im dissapointed like he is like this,  he seems to want to get better but he does not do anythng to accomplish t or give a tiny start.. Tomorrow I start to work again after the holidays so at least I wont be at home fighting with him the whole day, Let be others do it  not me. I did my best during these days off from work, but I leave him in the same state he was when  my holdays started, as he seems not to want to get better and refuse to follow the guidelines the doctors, and family have  told him.

I hve a half sister who does not work  but she does not live in the house, so I guess it wil be her and a lady whohas been  helping a little too with my dad and the house for many years now as she comes everyday at the house, while my mom is at work the ones coming to the house everyday to take care of my dad and try him to follow the guidelines so his mood improves. My mother also starts to work tomorrow.

I guess my dad returning to work with this slow pace, he will return perhaps like 9 mos after his treatment started.

He is not cooperating so I wont cooperate with him either, anymore let others take the burden not me anymore.

I know noone of the family member are in his shoes and we cant feel the pain he is feeling we do understand that, but if  the doctors had told him he needs to start cooperating and helping himself he has to do it for his own good  as his full recovery wil take much longer time but my dad says he knows, but on the other hand, he does not help us.

I am sad  dissapointed and angry at the same time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2011
Mon, 01-06-2014 - 3:59am

  Hearing you describe what your dad has been going through I would be depressed too. He is going through a very difficult situation and illness take a toll on everyone involved. Like you said you can't make him do anything and I understand your frustration but it is nothing compared to what he is going through. Try to be more patient and understanding and less angry and hopfully this situation will get better in time.