My dad -I just feel like dying

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
My dad -I just feel like dying
6
Fri, 04-11-2003 - 10:50am
He just questioned my character, myself, everything...I posted earlier that I had to file for bankruptcy a month ago, I have all this stress on me about that, I talked with my father before I filed on more than one occasion and we decided it was the best for me. Anyway I also posted that our relationship has been just ok for the last 13 yrs because since my parents divorce my father basically abandoned me and my sister financially. I have been on my own since the age of 19, he quit paying for college, I had to live off credit cards to survive, I was taught no money management skills by him, only handed everything til their divorce-so this is why at 31 I am in a whole lot of debt, that has been so overwhelming and caused my own divorce etc. I have learned so much in the 13 years about everything and have maintained a relationship with my dad and new stepfamily, even though for me it has been hard due to resentment that I feel like his parenting skills went with his new wife and kids. Anyway after filing for bk, the bank that had the majority of my debt found some form 7 yrs ago that my dad signed supposedly making him responsible for all my debts with this bank, I wasnt aware of the form and I guess he forgot or wasnt aware either because for all the times we discussed this, this was never mentioned by him and my bank I guess had forgotten it as well becuase my banker never mentioned it when she and I discussed filing. well when I filed they contacted him and told him looking thru my old file, they found this form and he was now responsible for my debt, about 20,000. He was so mad at me and I honestly did not know about this-so today he sends me an EMAIL at work to tell me how he thinks I am irresponsible, that I lied to him and my whole family, no one can trust me, he feels deceived and set up. I just cant believe this, I am trying to work and I receive this from my father, I mean he has not done 1 thing for me since I was 19, never visits me at my house, never, ever, hasnt called since the day I filed to see how i am, hasnt wondered since that day how i support myself, never asked - just judges me and told me if I had gotten 3 jobs and not lived outside my means and made socializing more important, I would not be here.

I am just floored and so devastated, I mean at what point are you supposed to be a parent and then stop being a parent...I feel like having a nervous breakdown and I go to court Monday for all this bk stuff and have to deal with this today..
Avatar for cl_2and1more
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Fri, 04-11-2003 - 3:38pm
I am so sorry for all the stress that you have right now. I know how it feels to be in your position.

It is underestandable for your father to be upset that he now is reaponsible for the 20,000 debt. So try to forgive the last e-mail and just know that it must have been quite a shock for him.

Now you need to contact your lawyer, get a hold of that piece of paper and see what happens next. I know that you would rather dig a hole and bury yourself BUT you need to keep going long enough to get through this. Find out when this paper was signed and what loan was directly effected by it. Your laywer should be able to advise you how to handle this problem.

Now send your dad an e-mail. Tell him you had no idea that he had signed this paper and you are as surprise dand upset as he is. Ask if he received a copy of the signed letter. Tell him you need to get it to your lawyer and you think he should contact his lawyer to find out how he can protect himself. Just lay out the facts without the emotion. There is a job to do and it must be taken care of quickly. If your court date is Monday, then you need to figure this out quick. You would hate to push that date back. It just makes the stress last longer for you.

Let us know how this thing turns out for you.

Melissa

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-11-2003 - 5:25pm
Hi - I wish I could give you a big hug! Think of this as a weight being lifted off your shoulders and the debt being paid by the truly responsible party - your father. Consider it a blessing. I'd be very happy if I were you! :) Your father should really place no blame on you - it is the bank's policy with that paper you mentioned and that is just how it goes...you have no say really...the bank says who is responsible and your father is apparently. I agree, get a lawyer, etc. I would NOT contact your father until this matter is resolved and even then if you choose to. Stick by your lawyer throughout this. This is a fresh start for you and you should be proud of yourself. So this means you are debt free of all what you mentioned in your other post?? My very best thoughts go out to you and I feel so happy for you!! :) Let me know how it goes and good luck Monday!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2002
Fri, 04-11-2003 - 11:16pm
I disagree with you, Jane - her father is not the truly responsible party, here. This girl's debt began at age 19 - old enough to support herself. The actions she has taken since that time, resulting in bankruptcy and divorce, are a result of choices SHE has made on her own, not because her father forced her to run up credit card debt, etc.

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but I know no way of sugar-coating this. It is true that poor parenting may make us more inclined to make poor choices, but they are exactly that: CHOICES.

Msfit


Edited 4/11/2003 11:43:50 PM ET by msfit777

                  &nbs

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2002
Fri, 04-11-2003 - 11:40pm
I am so sorry for all you are having to deal with, and wish there were some magic words to make all the pain go away, but I have none.

You have to lift your head up and take responsibility for your own life from this point on. I agree with the other poster who said this is a new beginning for you, but disagree that your father is responsible for your problems. Don't look to your father for understanding or financial support - you haven't had that from him since you were 19 and began making your own choices for how you wanted to live your own life. Seems that your father is continuing to cause stress for you by his lack of concern for your welfare, and concern only for his own. So let HIM worry - consider it his way of paying for your college education.

You should feel no remorse for that form your father signed - HE signed it by his own choice! He accepted the debt 7 years ago, whether he remembers it or not. This was not your fault. I wish you the best of luck on Monday - you will get through this, and so will your father, with or without you.

Now, take a deep breath - look over all you've learned in the last 13 years and use that to make a new beginning. You can do it!

Msfit

                  &nbs

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 04-12-2003 - 6:45am
msfit-perhaps we read her post with a difference of heart...no right or wrongs...just difference of opinions!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2002
Sat, 04-12-2003 - 12:30pm
Perhaps you are right - difference of opinions. That's what this board and this country is all about. God Bless America!

Msfit

                  &nbs