My family talks to my ex but not me!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2012
My family talks to my ex but not me!
3
Mon, 06-18-2012 - 1:40pm

I'm almost 35 & have 2 boys ages 7 & 11, I left their Dad (my ex husband), 37, @ the end of 2009.  Things between my ex & I weren't good for about 2 years prior (he wanted to still live the party lifestyle (drinking/drugs, still acted as if was 25 & couldn't keep a job) however, I didn't discuss relationship problems with my immediate family. 

While in the process of leaving I met a great guy, but my ex told my family I left him for someone else, eventhough that wasn't the case.  I have been with my BF for almost 3 years, we recently bought a home together but my immediate family wants nothing to do with him & in turn they don't talk to me!  My family invites my ex & his Dad (whom they never liked when we were together) to birthdays, family functions, etc!  My family goes to visit my ex when the boys are with him, yet they have never once seen the place my boyfriend & I bought so that the boys can have their own rooms (we have a 3 bedroom, 3 level townhouse & my ex lives in a 2 bedroom apartment).  They all talk behind my back & make up stories about me in 'their world'.  As the saying goes, if you tell a lie to yourself enough times it becomes the truth. 

My aunt (mom's sister) told me that my mom said my ex told my family that I was on hard drugs & that my BF supplies them to me!  And my mom's comment to my aunt, "that makes sense on why she's acting so strange."  I have never, ever done drugs!  My family has never initiated a conversation with me about what happened between my ex & I.  When I did talk to my mom she tried to bring up points about me that weren't true & that I never said.  For example, I had the Separation Agreement drawn up & my Mom was telling people that I wouldn't sign the document!  How does that even make sense! 

Hmm, what else is there? Oh! My mom has my ex's 24 year old girlfriend as a Facebook friend!

My ex & I have shared custody (the boys are 1 week with me then one week with him).  If Thanksgiving, Easter or friends birthday parties or other events (concerts, etc) happen to be on my ex's week I ask him if the boys can come with me for a few hours.  MY Dad tells him not to let the boys go with me since it's his week! 

My ex emails my Dad on advice of how to handle a situation!  My Dad has told my ex to make sure my BF doesn't replace him as a Dad.  Yet my ex doesn't work, so I'm not sure where his money is coming from to feed the boys.  When with him, the boys don't do homework,  they only shower/bathe once a week & they don't brush their teeth!  My oldest son's teacher has even brought up his hygeine to me!  My BF has taught the boys to swim & has taught the youngest how to ride a bike.  The boys don't even have bikes @ their Dad's.

I work full time, go to University fulltime, my BF works fulltime & also has his own landscaping business.  And we provide a great life for the boys.  Yet my family supports the unemployed, unmotivated ex! 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2011
Wed, 08-15-2012 - 12:02pm

This happened to a friend of mine. I'll spare you the details but the story is very similar.

You are being punished because your divorce has exposed the fact that things weren't perfect in the family. Appearences!

And you stepped out of your role in the family. They can't control you if you are with a healthy person. If you are around healthy people you might realize your family is not healthy. And all their work conditioning you would be lost. They liked you around the drug addict because it distracted you and kept you stuck in place that kept your dad in control of everyone (you, your ex, your kids)

Your dad is threatened by your healthy bf because your dad won't be able to control him or you. Your dad is sticking with the devil he knows-your ex. Your ex is a mess and he needs your dad, so your dad has the control.  Think about that.

You mom might also be jealous that you divorced a bad situation and got into a healthy relationship. Something she can't do for herself. So she is gaslighting you by lying about events so you sound and feel crazy. And then if it's established that you're crazy, she doesn't have to look at herself.

They want you to doubt yourself, feel guilty, and run back into your family role. (a role that works for them)

Get some therapy-- you may need to identify certain personality types so you can understand. ie is your dad a narcissist is your mom the co-dependent. etc

Hire a lawyer to Get your money back and don't hand over your power to anyone

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2012
Mon, 08-27-2012 - 6:18pm

Thank you, thank you everyone!  I have read all of your replies.

I wanted to give my parents one more chance.  My boys went to daycamp 3 days last week & the other 2 days they spent the night @ their grandparents.  I didn't realize that was a mistake until Friday afternoon came around.

Some background info, the boys were to go back to my ex on Friday.  However, back in May he agreed (via text message that I've kept) to let me keep the boys this past Friday so they could go to the Metallica concert with my BF. 

On Thursday my ex emailed me this: I highly doubt that bringing younger DS would be good in any way for many reasons. I am expressing my concern & wish that if need be you would drop off younger DS to me on friday & sell or give away the ticket you have for him.

My reply: You were aware from the beginning that BOTH boys are going to the concert & both boys are excited to go tomorrow.  The tickets were bought in May & a single ticket will not be bought or (due to the cost) given away.  However, if you want to reimburse me for younger DS' ticket ($110.00) then he can hang out with you instead.

His reply:  I would like it if you had younger DS call me in the afternoon tmrw

My boys were @ my parents so I didn't have younger DS call my ex as I knew he'd try to change his mind.

My parents agreed to drop the boys off to me @ my work @ 4:00 on Friday.  4:10pm comes around & no boys yet, but I got a text from my ex: I have the boys now. Both boys feel strongly about not wanting to go & in fact are at the point of possibly being scared too. So we all feel that it makes most sense for them both that they do not & this is as they are with me on my time now. You can easily sell on craiglist, scalper or friends the tix

I tried calling my mom & no answer.  But she text me:  ____has the boys , contact him  I text her back asking why he has them, no reply.  I called her again & no answer so I text: Call me pls.  To this day I've received no call or text back from my mom.

As you can imagine I was absolutely livid that my parents dropped the boys off to my ex without even contacting me!  I called the non-emergency police line to see if anything could be done.  But since it's not a court agreed event they can't do anything.  (but was told when I go to court to have the entire court order police enforcable).  I called my aunt (mom's sister) to vent & she couldn't believe it.  She thinks it's their way of controlling & it was my dad probably trying to get the boys not to go.

I text my ex: Back in May u agreed the boys could go to the concert & that's when the tickets were bought. If they don't go ur expected to reimburse me for the costs of their tickets.

His reply: Im more worried about the boys then money. U shoould as well. Things have change.  Im not gonna put them through worse things than u already due so as well im not gonna have u 2 talk 2 them right now to intimadate them or scare them further. But older DS could tell u himself & is constantly telling me he doesnt want to & is begging not too where as dreyton is straight up scared.  Im protecting my children. What r u doing. I never agrred to reimbusment! Im not & u can easily sell there tix for more money. So noway get real.

My reply: Worse things that I already do?? Hmmmm their own rooms, a yard, fun day camps with other kids, extra curricular activites, trips to Calgary to see family, etc, doesn't sound bad @ all. U don't want the boys to talk to me to tell me the truth, that U don't want them to go? Well both boys told ME they wanna go. If YOU definately didn't want them to go u should've stated that BEFORE I bought the tickets in May! Tickets can't be sold @ the very last minute (2hours before the concert!) So yes u do owe me $220

I copied/pasted his exact texts, yes full of grammatical & spelling errors. 

I knew the ex would pull something like this.  And I am definately NOT talking to my parents ANYMORE.