My father,I feel I need to walk away

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
My father,I feel I need to walk away
Mon, 04-07-2003 - 12:53pm
from our relationship for a while. I dont know, first of all is there a board for Adult Children of Divorce, I need help. I have kept these feelings bottled up inside for 13 yrs & I am about to have a nervous breakdown. My parents had a wonderful marriage for 25 yrs, until 1990 when out of the blue my sister & I were told they were divorcing. Obviously this is not what my mother wanted, I rememeber her sobbing as they told us, I was 19, my sister was 15. My life until this day had been a fairy tale, all the money, luxeries I could ask for, loving mom always there, dad with his big business, you get the picture. Well after this date life went to hell, my mom had a mental breakdown & had to go away for 2 mths to a rehab facility, my father continued with life "acting" so hurt, but I believe their divorce was caused by infidelity on his part, as a matter of fact I followed him home from work more than once & he met a lady, one of his secretarys(who is now my stepmother) he has no idea I did this or knew this. Their divorce lasted a yr and in the end I was with my father & my sister with my mom. I recd no child support due to my age, my mom was barely making ends meet, she had to get a job as a secretary & recd child support for my sister. I didnt want to burden her, so I went with my dad. Well during this time, my dad just handed me credit cards with 5000, 10000 balances in my name to live on, who would pay them was never discussed & I was 20, in college and certainly thought he would. Big mistake, 6 mths after the divorce he married his much younger secretary w/ 2 kids ages 2 and 11 and I bascially was booted out. I was left with no one to pay for school, no place to live, my new car that he now turned the car payment over to me and all these credit cards. I moved in with my mom for a while, but she ws flat broke so I moved in with my bf and lived off credit cards and a part time job, had to quit school. my dad just thought life was grand and encouraged me to marry my BF, be happy with my life he said, so I did in 96, only to be divorced myself in 99 after he cheated on me more than once. so I am divorced at 32 , over 50,000 in debt, receive and have received no help from my father since 1990, and he walks around like he is the best thing and I should be happy to have his last name. He questions every move I make, tells me I hurt his feelings b/c I dont call or visit alot, vist who?? he and my new family, which my stepbrother by the way who is 14 has already recd a new car for when he turns 16. Meanwhile I have struggled for 13 yrs til 1 mth ago when I decided to let it go & file bankruptcy. I talked with my dad about it & no help was offered by him, but now that its done all he can do is judge me and my decision. We live in a small town where he is well known and the bank called him and told him they were just disppointed that I did that to them. So now he said he is disappointed too, i just cant take it...what do I do, I just want to scream so loud..I mean I feel like I am here because instead of being a father, he abandoned me for a younger pice of a**..sorry i am just so hurt
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 04-07-2003 - 11:12pm
How on earth can the bank possibly justify discussing your business with your dad? Aren't there confidentiality laws regulating what information can be shared (i.e. absolutely nothing without your permission!)? I know this is just one small part of your situation, but I would sure be hopping mad if someone did something like this on me! I think I'd check into making a complaint against the bank.
Avatar for cl_2and1more
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 04-07-2003 - 7:48pm

I am sorry that your father has hurt you, that you have felt abandoned. These are things that can affect the rest of your life if you let it. But you also seem to have a strength about you. You are strong enough to go it alone and make your own choices. I think that you need to stop looking to your dad for approval. Live your life the best way you can. Make the choices that are best for you. Stop telling him so much information about yourself and please, stop expecting anything from him. If you do not expect his help or support, you will not be disappointed that you do not receive it.

If you need to cut the ties to make it on your own, go ahead. I hope that you can stay in contact and change your life at the same time. But only you know what is best for you.

I wish you the very best. Please continue to post and let us know how you are dealing with your family.