My friends fiance is how shall we say not good for her...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
My friends fiance is how shall we say not good for her...
6
Fri, 07-29-2011 - 9:32pm

I've known my friend for 6 years now and we are pretty close. We lived in the south but she went to school in the northeast. I recently moved up here as well and moved in with her and her fiance temporarily until I can get my own place. I knew from the beginning it could be a little difficult but mainly b/c of her fiance. There are a lot of things that he does that worries me for her and her future. It's not anything abusive or anything like that; it just doesn't seem to be fair toward her or even me.

I personally have issues with him because a lot of times he is very offensive and tries to pass it off as trying to be funny or smart. It just reeks of immaturity. They are both 4 years younger than me and a lot of times I get irritated with the attitude. Like today we were talking about our jobs and he starts saying how he's so smart for his job that they are going to be probably promoting him to a position that he would have if he were 26 (my age). He says things that make it seem like he's better than me and other people. Then he wonders why her friends don't like him. It's obvious to me why that is but I don't want to have issues with my friend because of this so I keep my mouth shut. I'm just trying to deal with his ridiculousness until I leave.

It's not only his pompous attitude that bothers me but also that he's lazy, he doesn't help much around the apartment and he wants to act like he's the man of the place. My friend likes going out and doing things and he stays inside all the time and complains that he doesn't have friends.

I worry that the same thing that happened to one of my other friends will happen to her. My other friend was engaged to her high school sweetheart but as they got closer and closer to their proposed marriage date she realized she was making a grave mistake. Her fiance and her didn't have much in common anymore and she was just with him out of comfort.

My friend and her fiance don't do much outside of the house together. They have been together for almost 7 years since high school and have barely dated anyone else. She's talked about having me as her bridesmaid but I don't know that I would feel right doing that being that I don't like him at all.

What can I possibly do in this situation? I again don't feel like I can do much b/c I don't want her to be angry with me b/c most importantly it's not like he's cheating on her or is abusive toward her. I just don't like him as a person and they seem so incompatible to me.

I really can't wait until I move out and get away from such pompous negativity. I get a headache when I talk to him b/c of not trying to cause fights. What can I do at all?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004

I just wanted to add this b/c I thought it was funny.

So the job that he was supposedly going to be moving up quickly in and be at the level of a "26-year-old" has now ended. He was a temp and his contract was not extended. They announced yesterday at a meeting in front of everyone that he would no longer be there after this week. Now not to be mean but duh! He was talking way too much about moving up and all this stuff. They told him supposedly the reason why they aren't keeping him is b/c of budget issues. How did that change in a few weeks time? Interesting...

I still haven't gotten a job yet either but I'm working hard to get it. His solution is to just contact a bunch of temp agencies and let them do the work for him. He told me last night that right now he's being considered for 4 positions. We shall see about that. The place that I interned with I'm talking to a recruiter within the company and she's sending my resume to any jobs that could work for me. My former boss and another superviser keep sending in recommendations for me to hiring managers. I also apply and search for at least 5 positions a day. And even after all of this I still don't have a job. It's hard right now and you really have to stand out to get a job. I don't think he realizes yet that sitting idley by waiting for his temp agencies to get him work is not fruitful for his future. Sure it may be fine for a month or two but what about afterward? There are times when the temp work is temp to hire but he's already been through that twice and hasn't seen results. I can't help but feel that it's his attitude that is not making this work out how he hoped... and obviously dreamed.

Yesterday I told him I had a phone interview today and he's like a phone interview or a phone screen? I didn't really know much of a difference. The lady said phone interview anyways when she scheduled me. So he asked if she was a hiring manager or an HR person. She's an HR person so he says that's not an interivew it's a phone screen. His logic makes sense but at the same time the lady called it a phone interview so I'm not going to be saying that if it weren't so. He's always trying to compete with me and prove me wrong. So annoying!

Such a strange situation and I am praying [literally praying every day; and my mom is too] that I get a job and can move out of here as soon as possible.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004

I agree with the first poster, that ther´s nothing you can do and I also agree with the second poster that if you are a true friend with her, you should have a talk about the guy (but just one, and period) and assure her that you´ll be always her friend.

When you time to leave is near, I´d start saying in the middle of aconversation, small things to him like. "Sure, you´re one of a kind", " "None is as smart as you, that´s for sure"

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004

Well, to begin with if you are not comfortable being a bridesmaid for whatever reason then say sorry you can't do it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004

Yeah I'm quite fed up with this situation. The reason I am living with them currently is b/c I wasn't making enough to live on my own b/c I was doing an internship. My internship ended last week and now I'm waiting to hear if I'll be able to move up and be a full time regular employee at the company. After I get the job [which hopefully I will], I just have to save enough to put a deposit down on an apartment get the hell out of here.

I do worry that after I leave though that our friendship won't be there much anymore. It really isn't now. We barely talk to each other and when we do her fiance is always there and listening and making smart remarks.

I just wish that I could leave now but I can't. I've come to realize that the best I can do is just worry about myself and get out as soon as possible. Not get dragged into something that I shouldn't have anything to do with to being with. Sure she has been my friend for a long time but I can't make her open her eyes. She has to do that.

Avatar for lizmvr
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2001

I do think it's best for you to work on getting into your own living situation apart from these two.

I will disagree with the other poster, though, and tell you that I think you don't have to "interfere" to have a talk with your friend and let her know that you are concerned that maybe she's not being treated as well as she should be by the fiance.

Liz


Clinical Research Associate


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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2011

Well I guess you need to vent, venting is going to help you feel somewhat better about things. I know its frustrating to live with a person like that but they're doing you a favour by letting you stay. Sadly it's just the way thing is, that doesn't mean it's okay for him to say those things but clearly your friend doesn't have an issue with them and if you take issue....well you might be out of a place to stay. You have no choice but to be on your best behaviour even if this guy clearly isn't on his best behaviour. I know it's hopeless feeling but I've had to deal with those type of situations. Just remember people who demean others, are trying to give their lives meaning. So if he's acting like he's the best....he's probably not. Try to distance yourself from him specifically. As for the lazy thing and having an ego, if your friend doesn't tell him to clean then it's gonna be hard for you to. But you can try saying things like "Can you do me a favour and take out the garbage." Just a thought?

As for your friend not seeing that they aren't right for one another...well I'm sorry to say but it's not your place. It's harsh but you cannot interfer if she doesn't see it. You said you had another friend who was with a guy that wasn't right and in the end saw it...maybe this friend will see it too? You are clearly older and have a few more life experiences but you cannot save others all the time. Especially if she isn't asking for your help I'm afraid. Does she complain about him and how he affects her life negatively but never does anything to end things? It doesn't sound like thats the case so can't do more than just be there for her when she does need you. If you don't want to lose your friend don't mention anything about their compatability, but don't push her away. Be there for her because if he is as awful and arrogant as you say. She could need you down the line. I think it would be a big shame if you couldn't be in her wedding, I mean even for her sake? You could regret not being there for her... if you have to say no do so but give another excuse she could hate you if you bash her future husband. I have a few friends whose husbands I hate... I don't let my disdain for them get in the way of my love for my friend.

Anything you say against HIM will be used against you later trust me. iBut if you really cant stand up for her, decline.