My in-laws are driving me crazy!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2003
My in-laws are driving me crazy!!
Thu, 11-13-2003 - 2:52pm
I will try to make a long story short and hope somebody will be able to give me advice. My in-laws are driving me crazy. My husband has two brothers, one is here local and the other is out of state. Although many things have happened in the past this has got to be the kicker. We just found out that my mother in law needs to be put in an assisted living facility. My brother and sister in law out of state seem to be calling the shots

(it's been this way long before I came into the family). We told all family members that we needed to put his mom an equal driving distance between the two brothers so that we could properly take care of her. My husband already drives an hour to work each day and works six days a week. They went behind our backs and registered her five minutes from his other brother which gives my husband a 40 min. drive to see her. This on top of everything else shows lack of respect along with a lack of giving our feelings any consideration. I no longer care to have anything to do with them and have decided the best thing I can do is keep my distance. The sad part is that his mom is going to be the one to suffer being that my sister in law could care less about her. I am sad for my husband but I simply cannot deal with them anymore. Any advice how to break this news to my husband.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2002
Thu, 11-13-2003 - 8:03pm
How to break the news - I would suggest just give him the facts as you know them, without any criticism of the family. He can make his own assumptions, and you will be there to support him, whatever he decides.

I have to ask, though - what is MIL's desire in all of this? Since she's going into assisted living, then she must be of sound mind and still able to care for herself to some extent. Didn't she have any say-so in which facility she would be located?

I can say, however, picking an appropriate and healthy facility for a loved one is no easy task (BTDT). I live in a large metropolitan city, and had to find nursing care for my father last year. A year or so prior to that, I sought assisted living centers for him and his wife. Let me tell you, that is no easy task! Even in a city our size, assisted living centers are few and far between (far outnumbered by nursing homes) - and to tour each center and find one that fit my parents' needs and lifestyles was even more difficult. The closest, that I thought would make them comfortable and fit their budget, was more than 35 miles away.

You don't say if you or your DH were involved in seeking a proper facilty for your MIL, but if you were not, please realize that it's not as simple as picking one out of the phone book based on it's location halfway between the two brothers. Far more important is the facility's health record, licensing, atmosphere, activities, and most important: a personal visit from the family and MIL to talk to other residents and see if it "feels" right for her.

Hope things work out for the best for everyone involved.



iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2003
Thu, 11-13-2003 - 8:40pm
Thank you for responding. Here is the thing, my mother in law is very stubborn and would refuse to live anywhere except for her own apartment. The doctors strongly advised us that she should not live by herself anymore, she takes various medications and was not taking them correctly along with the fact that she was not eating properly and was not drinking any water. (She lived over an hour away from us) I have a two and a three year old, I also work part time and with my husband only having one day off a week it was difficult to keep tabs on her.

We were fully prepared to tour the various homes and find a nice place for my MIL. We were never given this chance. I guess you could say my in-laws are very materialistic, they live in expensive homes and drive expensive cars (you even have to take your shoes off before walking in their home). We choose to live modestly so I don't have to work full time so I can be with my children. My in laws that choose this home live out of state so the only info they have on the home is what they could get over the internet. (They only come once a year to visit) This home has only been open for less than a month. I feel sad that I won't be able to be a part of my MIL life when the chance was there for me to see her several times a week.

They are taking her there as we speak, I hope all goes well. I just have such bitter feelings toward my in laws for being so selfish.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 11-14-2003 - 9:26am
I'm confused. When the MIL was in her own apartment, it was an hour away from you. The assisted living center is 40 minutes. Where is the problem?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2003
Fri, 11-14-2003 - 11:07am
The problem is that there is no reason for her to even be that far away when she could have been only 15 to 20 min. away. If she was put this close I could almost see her on a daily basis, but because of babysitting the only time I can go is on the weekend. With her being 40 min. away this is an hour and ten minutes just on the road and that is if there is no traffic, I happen to live in the great state of California. For my husband it makes his drive home go from one hour to one hour forty min. and with him working six days a week when is he suppose to see his kids? Why make life more difficult just to spite family? I dont get it!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Tue, 11-18-2003 - 11:41pm
Hi ... sorry to hear about a sad situation. Is the brother making the decisions the oldest son? Does he have a history of side-stepping his siblings opinions in order to retain control of issues? And I hate to be indelicate, but could there be a financial motivation? Is there a will, and will this brother assume Power of Attorney and handle ALL the parents affairs?

When she was able to live on her own, did BIL feel compelled to visit more than once a year? Maybe this move is OK with him/them because it won't change anything for THEM. They obviously aren't thinking of MIL's feelings. Is FIL in the picture and healthy?

I hope somehow your MIL gets to move closer to the more devoted of her children.