My Mom

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2010
My Mom
10
Sat, 02-16-2013 - 7:42pm
A little pre info before I ask my question. I have a narcisstic Mother and she nevers asks for help....she says I should anticipate what she needs and act accordingly. Ive told her in the past I'd be happy to help but I have health issues and need to take care of me first. She recently sold her car and she's dropped a few hints that she cant drive. My younger brother spends a lot of time with her and takes her to the store and Dr appointments. With my health issues I'm not physically able to go grocery shopping so I go nonlinear and order my groceries from a store in the next city about 20 minutes away. They bring the groceries to the carand I drive home. I talked to my Mother today as my sister's health continues to fail and she asked if she ordered her groceries the same time can I pick up hers too? She said my brother takes her but either he won't go to the store she wants ir he follows her around impatiently. I told why doesn't she call me when she wants to go to the store and I will drop her off and she can call me when shes ready to be picked up. Same town...store down the street easy right? She said she couldn't do that and I said why? She said because its not in her to ask me to take her to the store....so the easy way is for me to let her know when I'm ordering my groceries. I asked why cant she ask? She said shes too proud and stubborn. I left it as if she wants help with groceries she has to ask me to take her to the store. She then said your brother does it all the time I was just lightening his burden a bit. Awwww.....the sweet sound of guilt! I hinted that I was going to show her if she really needed help that sometimes we have to do what we don't feel comfortable. In my head I'm saying GROW UP! My question is was I wrong? My sister has terminal cancer and I know we're suppose to support each other but good grief I'm not my mother's keeper right? San
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
In reply to: swimercise
Tue, 03-05-2013 - 9:06pm
I think this suggestion is excellent.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2004
In reply to: shouldbe_rich
Wed, 02-20-2013 - 2:56pm

It's a matter of control.

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
In reply to: elc11
Wed, 02-20-2013 - 3:28am

San, after reading your response I have to ask again, why not let her order her groceries at the same time that you do, and pick them up for her? Since you don't want her in your car criticizing your driving or your car etc then I don't see how you can drop her off at the store. If you drop off her groceries you will have less contact with her.

Avatar for swimercise1
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2013
In reply to: swimercise1
Tue, 02-19-2013 - 4:45pm

Thank you for the responses.  This isn't a simple case that I refuse to help my Mom especially now that my family is in crisis.  I have been in counseling for a few years that have allowed me to see how her behavior affects me.  She is narcissistic and verbally abusive towards me.  I started separating myself from her when she told me in 2001 that if I moved away and left her here to be cared for by sister (another verbally abusive person) that she would commit suicide.  She uses guilt and manipulation to keep me down and I'm 53 years old and too old to be falling for it still.  Since my sister has been ill my Mom has gotten progressively worse.  My contact with my Mom is limited to a a couple phone calls a month and holidays.  She's no longer allowed in my house or my car as she criticizes EVERYTHING.  Just the other day on the phone she said that she thinks how dirty my sister's house is is to blame for the cancer.  She said your house looked nice at Christmas (we had the holiday at my house since my sister couldn't do it at hers) except one thing.  I asked which one thing and she said oh you know.  No i don't...well if you don't know I'm not going to tell you.  UGH.....

I'm not saying I won't help her but taking her to the store and dropping her off and picking her up when she's done is doing my part.  If it's not good enough for her then she can have someone else do it.  My health issues are serious and have magnified with my sister's recent setback.  I have to put myself first....

 

San

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2011
In reply to: swimercise
Tue, 02-19-2013 - 12:10am

   I think your mother wants you to think of her without her having to ask. I know your family is in crisis right now and you have your own health issues. But try not to get so caught up in your own problems that you don't think of your mother and what she is going through as well. I don't think it should be a big issue to let her know when you are ordering so that she can place her's too.Sometimes parents want you to think of them  and act like they matter. I know I really appreciate it when my son knows I'm ill and he ask me if I want him to bring me some soup or juice. That makes me feel good that he realized I was ill and anticipated that I may want some soup or juice. Just as your mother knows you know she no longer has a car and wishes you would anticipate she needs transportation to shop and drs. appt and wishes you would offer without her having to ask.

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
In reply to: swimercise
Sun, 02-17-2013 - 7:25pm

San, your mom DID ask for help---she asked you to let her know when you're ordering your groceries, and to deliver her order to her if she calls the store with one. Is there a reason that you don't want to go along with her suggestion?

Your family situation is too complicated for there to be a simple right or wrong answer here. But the ordered groceries sounds like a good way to help your mom, relieve your brother's burden, and be a "good" daughter in one fell swoop. While I agree that for her to be "too proud and stubborn" to ask for a ride is foolish for somebody who got rid of her car, she is how she is and there's a good chance that she will not change at this point. And if you push the point that she needs to change then you make yourself even more the bad guy in her eyes. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2010
In reply to: swimercise
Sun, 02-17-2013 - 2:17pm
Yes its the same sister. Like Mother like daughter. Her diagnosis has been confusing for me as I previously posted but the true pain comes from her husband who has always been a brother to me and her children who are devastated. San
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2004
In reply to: swimercise
Sun, 02-17-2013 - 12:06pm
I don't believe there's any greater sorrow than losing a child. Maybe you should accomodate your mother a little more. Is this the same sister that you also said was narcisstic and hateful, for the past few years, before the board was killed? I didn't know if you had more than one.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2010
In reply to: swimercise
Sun, 02-17-2013 - 12:06pm
Thank you
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2009
In reply to: swimercise
Sat, 02-16-2013 - 9:41pm

Sorry about what you're going thru.  No, I don't think you were wrong.  (However, it would be less confusing and easier to follow if you would consolidate the threads instead of always starting new ones.  I hope you're not offended by the suggestion; it's just that you do have a lot of separate threads which are about the same things.  (your mother and your sister each have several different threads, and the flow would be better if you would combine some of them.)