My Mom cares more about a desk than me..

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2004
My Mom cares more about a desk than me..
Tue, 08-17-2010 - 8:44pm

It's true.
It's official: my mother cares more about a desk and drawer set than she does for me...or my spinal health, rather.

I am 27 years old and because of a severe, ongoing panic disorder that I've had for years, I still live and work from home. (yes I do have an extremely longterm bf but, because of a lot of financial difficulties, I cannot live with him in his teeny apartment; it just wouldn't work)

Anyway, my brother moved out TEN years ago, and my Mom has kept his room in perfect order, ever since then...however she was kind enough to let me use the desk in here, because like I said, I work from home and need a nice private office.
If I could have fit a desk into my already crowded bedroom, of course I would have, but why go through the trouble when this room is always empty to begin with? I even asked my brother's permission because Mom at first got all hotheaded about it, saying "Why are you going to use that room? That's your BROTHER'S room"

He's been married and moved out for ages and isnt coming back, but it's as though she harbours some kind of hope or something...
Maybe it's a bad case of empty-nest syndrome, but moving on...

For most of my childhood and ALL of my adult life, Mom has treated me really badly in comparison to the way she treats my older brother, and my little sister.
He's the oldest; the prince, the apple of her eye. She's the youngest, the baby, her eternal little princess.

Me...I'm just nobody.
I'm just a presence that floats around here; a loser who unfortunately never made it big like all my friends. Never got a nice University degree or got married and got a big house like everyone else.
Life, like my mother, treated me rather badly and here I am, still living at home at 27 because of a disorder that I cannot help.

When my brother or sister speak, it's like the king himself has just given some wonderful decree across the kingdom; they pay attention and hang on their every word.

When I speak, it's as if I am a ghost; no one looks up, no one cares.

I never ask for anything here. Sure I sleep here, use the facilities and on occasion eat some of a meal that Mom or Dad cooks, but most of the time my bf helps me to buy my clothes, groceries, toiletries, etc.

I don't take up ANY extra room here, I don't ask for anything, I don't get in anyone's way....but really, I just don't feel like I've ever been Mom's daughter.
I've only ever been an irritation...a obstacle in her way.
I've never known that TV sitcom kind of warmth that a mother could offer. My first relationship with a boy was extremely emotional and rocky, and I never once had her comfort me. Not once. She just sucked her teeth at me if she saw me crying, and told me to stop sniveling because it makes me look so unattractive and stupid.

Today actually was the first time I took a deep breath and decided to ask her, kindly, if I could perhaps get a new desk for this office (my brother's room) because the one in here now, is NOT a real desk; it is very very harsh on the neck and spine and it is killing me.
I've endured the pain for months, and unless I want to start having to do regular physio sessions, I need a good, ergonomically-correct desk.

I asked her kindly, and she exploded.
She said I first of all didn't have any business working in this room to begin with; that I was 27 years old and ought to have gotten the F out of the house by now (to go where, mother? on the street?)

She also said that she had this dresser (because that's what it is) SPECIALLY made for my brother, and that she was NEVER moving it. (but he's gone Mom, he's not even living here...I'm the one who lives here)

She then proceeded to tell my father that I was acting like a spoiled little child, and bold-faced to think that I could make her "CHANGE the whole HOUSE" just to suit me.
(it's just a desk, Mom, and I'm only asking because my back and neck hurt so that really wrong of me?)

I'm this old now, and I have never been able to talk to my Mom, not about anything, because she somehow manages to make me look and feel stupid, worthless and unimportant.
At 27 years old, what is a girl to do? ESpecially when she has no real job because of a panic disorder (the job is so part time, i couldnt possibly rent my own place on this money), no way of getting out on my own, even my boyfriend isn't rich enough to support me unfortunately.

Can anyone offer me some advice? We just had such an explosive fight about it; I blurted out that I never could believe she was ever my mother, and that she cares more about this dresser than she does for her own daughter.
I don't know what to do...I need some REAL solutions...


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2006
Wed, 08-18-2010 - 1:04pm

Hi Surreal Feline,

Welcome to the board. Sorry to hear of your troubles. I'm wondering why you think living with your bf is not going to work. Sure the space is small, but the two of you can work things out and build a life together.

Living with your mum seems to have you tied up in knots, emotionally. I feel you are thinking you "can't" do stuff for various reasons. The bottom line is, your mum is causing you to feel like a nobody or a loser, just by the way she treats you. Such treatment and the inevitable feelings can be immobilizing. I do think you need to give living with your bf a shot. It sounds a lot better than to live with this woman, who keeps shooting you down.

I really don't know what to say about your mum. She sounds very toxic and unstable. I am floored about her keeping your brother's old room "just so" and not even allowing a replacement desk.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2003
Wed, 08-18-2010 - 4:27pm

I take it your parents were never pro-active in helping you find proper treatment for your anxiety disorder? Which is a shame, because it would have helped you the most.

I honestly suggest you start working with Doctors to get properly diagnosed and treated for your anxiety. Nothing else will improve for you, until you have a handle on your emotional health.

You can also look into what types of public assistance are available to you. You maybe able to secure enough help to get you an apartment of your own, and escape the toxic environment you are in now.


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2009
Wed, 08-18-2010 - 5:45pm

Get on medication. There are tons of medications that work great for Panic disorder...I know because I suffer

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2010
Thu, 08-19-2010 - 1:15pm

The days are long gone when it was your mother's job to fill any of your needs, emotional, financial, or otherwise. And even if she changed it all up right now and bought you a new desk, gave you



Avatar for lizmvr
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2001
Thu, 08-26-2010 - 1:55pm

I agree with coconut.

Of course you're taking up some space, and it's your mom and dad's house after all.


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