My mother is driving me up the wall!!!
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|Tue, 04-29-2003 - 11:41am|
She sent me an email today, telling me that my Grandma's (my mom's mother)70th birthday is THIS Friday (ok, yes, I knew Grandma's birthday was on Fri., and already sent her a card.)
So, mom says we can't let Grandma's 70th bday pass without some sort of recognition. She asked what I am doing this weekend and to let her know which day I am available to attend a birthday celebration. Then she says she hasn't talked to any of her sisters to plan something yet.
I didn't reply to her email because I need to discuss it with my dh, who was out at a clients office today and unreachable. And I don't want to make plans for both of us without speaking to him first.
So, about an hour later, I get another email from Mom saying that she talked to one of her sisters, and they have been doing some planning, and the party will be on Sunday at 4 p.m. at a restaurant in the town where my family lives (I moved an hour away from my family - for good reason!). In this email she asks, "Can you both be there?" I replied to this email, and told her that dh was out at a client's office and I won't be able to speak to him about it until this evening, and I'll let her know tomorrow if we can make it on Sunday.
She replied "well - I hope so; because people are sending back their ok's; and I think it is going to happen on Sunday - and you know it wouldn't be the same without you. Grandma and all of us would miss you."
I didn't reply to this because I would've spouted off at the mouth and probably would have said some nasty things to her. Uggh!!!
Welcome to GUILT TRIP city!!! Here's my problem - Mom tries to pull this crap on me ALL THE TIME. I'm 28 years old!! She still thinks she can use guilt and manipulation to get me to do anything she wants. Heck, my whole family does this, but Mom is by far the worst!! I finally realized a few years ago that she does this, and I try to avoid it and not buy into it. But it's difficult in situations like this where I really SHOULD go, but don't want to because I feel like I'm being manipulated (not to mention that the party has now been planned for SUNDAY evening at 5 p.m. Living an hour away, this makes it very difficult for me to attend - I won't get back home until about 9 p.m., and have to get up for work the next day. If I go, then Mom will have "won" and the guilt trips will continue indefinitely.
Some background - my family has always been this way-gossipy, manipulative, cruel and back-stabbing, my dad is VERY controlling. Nice family, huh? My dh and I got into a HUGE knock-down, drag-out fight with my parents over our wedding because they tried to use guilt and manipulation to get their way. We ended up paying for the entire wedding ourselves, and our relationship with my parents has been fair to poor ever since because we didn't do the "big family wedding" that "everyone" expected. We moved away to distance ourselves from my family. I've been in therapy for quite some time trying to get over it all and move on by creating a new life with my dh (we've been married for almost 4 years).
How can I break this vicious cycle and (nicely) get Mom to lay off the guilt trips (without resorting to violence - lol!!) and still be able to have contact with my family on MY terms (i.e. when I feel like I can handle it, not when THEY think I should)?
Sorry if this is confusing, I'm just so p.o'ed right now, I can't see straight, much less construct a coherent sentence.