My sisters hate me. It makes me so unhappy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-1997
My sisters hate me. It makes me so unhappy
2
Sat, 04-06-2013 - 8:02pm

It's been quite rocky with family over the years.  It got worse after dad passed in 1999.  Seemed like my sisters could care less about me.  Well they'd have contact with me.  But and my family were not important to them.   It was about themselves or their family.  But we still were family who got together on occasion for family things. I know this is going to be long. But had to air out how I been feeling lately.  I'm trying to move on. But it's hard.

I'll start with my sister Janet.  Janet is married to a guy 12 or so years older Who was a divorcee. He is from Colorado. Which is why she moved there.  one year mom took our son who was age 12 at the time to California. To see my aunt and uncle who lived there.  They spent a week.  Mom had bumped her head on the wall there.  When she got up one night to use the bathroom.  She was trying to feel for the light switch in the bedroom at my aunt and uncles house.  She tripped over her suit case bumping her head. But does not tell anyone till she got back home from the trip.  My mother queen of the drama queens. Hams up the head injury.  Went to different doctors saying her head hurt bla bla bla.  To be told it's nothing serious. She will be fine. 

Well at one point my sister Janet who lives in Colorado with her dh.  She calls moms family doctor.  This was after mom said it was ok to do so.  Janet being a physical therapist. She understood the medical stuff.  Wanted to know what regular meds mom was on.  Can they try to put her on meds she needs.  That limit dosing per day to once or twice a day.  So mom has it easier remembering when to take meds.  Then questions the doctor about moms memory.  Sometimes mom acted like she'd forget things.  Janet wanted mom to have a mental evaluation.  Making sure she is not in some stage of Alzhiemers dissease. Somehow mom got mad.  They both had words. Next thing you know. Janet cut mom from her life.  Janet would always make me promise never to tell mom she was in town. She wanted nothing from mom.  When she'd come for short visits. Which were never to spend quality time with me.  She'd spend most her trip to see my sister Mary and her family. Which I will get to Mary soon.  Janet could of cared less about myself, dh or our son. She'd give me a couple hours at most of her trip to see me.  Then she did not care to visit with our son or dh.  Other than to say. Hi.  How you doing. Then back on the plane to Colorado.  Most times her dh would not come on these visits. Mom would ask about Janet. I wanted no part of that. I'd say I don't know nothing about her. She don't call.  This is between you and her.

Janet is very self centered. Only thinks of herself.  She has this idea family was out to take advantage of our father.  She made a rude remark to dh one time.  How dare we use mom and dad as a free baby sitter. Dh tore into her. Said that is not it. We want our son to have a good relationship with his grandparents. He should spend time with them.   We lived close enough. Where it was a mile or less to my parents house.  Dad enjoyed the grandkids coming over.  Then Janet would comment how grandma on moms side of the family should of paid more rent than she did. For the upper of dads duplex. Wth. Grandma was family. As we grew up.  She would watch us kids while mom and dad were at work.  I told her dad wanted his own mother to live upstairs. He would not charge her rent. But she didn't want that.  Then she'd comment one aunt would always ask to be picked up for family events.  That why should dad go pick her up. Can't she find her own way there.   Hey she's elderly.  She didn't feel comfortable taking her car any further than her own neighborhood.  Dad never minded picking up his sister.   Dh has picked up this aunt on occasion also.  Oh when the aunt passed on.  Janet didn't say one peep about money left us in her will.  Janet took the money did whatever she wanted with it.  The aunt was not able to have kids. We were like her kids. She left us everything. Well it was split between us sisters and dad.   It was a pretty nice amount we each got. 

Mom passes on July 2011.  Janet still full of hate for mom. Yes mom was a work of art with extra paint.  She wasn't always the best mother to us kids. But she was mom. The person who gave birth to us. Janet and her dh drive up for moms funeral. She agrees to clean out moms apartment.  Wow. I offered to help.  She booted me out quickly after they got there. I took some things that I figured we could use.  Soap, paper towels and stuff like that.  So it wouldn't go to waste.  Our son then age 22 wanted the vacuum cleaner and tv.  That I gave mom one Christmas.  Janet rushes me through picking through things. So it comes to moms funeral.  Janet says everything is packed up ready to be hauled out. Ok. Thanks. Janet she was not really into moms funeral She did not seem the least bit upset mom passed on.  We are at church. Mom wanted a visitation and mass at her parish.  Done by her pastor. Fr. Lawrence.  After church is over. Janet pulls me to the side. Says her and her dh are not coming to the funeral lunch.  They got to get on the road back to Colorado now.  He dh has to be back for work. This was on a Friday.  He did not have to work till Monday. So what was 2 or 3 hours longer going to put them in the trip home.  They both drive. So they'd take turns driving.  They'd be back late Saturday night.  Or very early Sunday morning. That's her excuse for leaving after the funeral mass.  Later on I realized she didn't want nothing to do with moms side of the family. She would not even be in the room with them if she didn't have to.  So sitting down to lunch was out.   Then Saturday the day after moms funeral. The residents at the senior housing apartments threw mom a memorial. For all those who couldn't come to church.  They put out coffee and cake. My family and some aunts and uncle and some cousins came to the memorial. We went up to moms apartment to see how wll janet cleaned it up. Everything is all boxed up and in the living room.  I told family. They can pick through boxes for a momento of mom..  They wanted pictures.  Those were all gone. We didn't even see mom and dads wedding book. Picture frames with no pictures.  My Aunt Alice loudly said Janet threw them out.  At the funeral all that was there was a small box of pictures.  If Janet threw them all out. That was wrong of her to do.  No matter what kind of person mom was.

At that time. We were not sure where mom would be buried. She was cremated. A cousin offered to keep moms urn. While burial spot was decided on.  Well there was some legal stuff before we could spend her money on the burial.  I was to creeped out to keep the urn in my house. It wouldn't matter who was in the urn.  A year later. All the money is resolved.  It is decided mom will be put in the grave next to dad. That his parents left for family.  Janet was angry with that.  She says mom has no business being put next to dad. After the way she was over the years. I said well dad did not say in writing legally. Mom could not have that grave. She said she'd come in town to get the urn and put it somewhere. I said I don't have it.  Cousin Bonnie has it.  I don't have her phone number right now to call her. 

At that point I don't tell Janet moms burial was scheduled to take place September 15th 2012.  We made arrangements with the cemetary.  Mom wanted to go in the casket with dad.  According to Catholic cemetery rules no urn can go in with a casket burial But 2 urns can share one regular size grave. So we figured ok. mom will go next to dad. Our mentally disabled sister who lives in a group home. She was allowed by the state to have 5,000$ for her funeral.  It was in a trust.  That's enough for a cremation and urn,funeral mass and to be put in the grave with mom.  If your looking at todays prices.  Auntie Alice on moms side of the family took care of the burial arrangements.  She was executor of moms estate.  It was all planned with a lawyer along with the church who runs the cemetery.  So no one can just come and have mom dug up and moved.  A week after moms burial. I finally tell Janet where we put mom. Layed it all out on the table for her. 

That is when I got this very rude and long email from Janet.  How the family could of done the decent thing.  Finding another place for mom to be put and a bunch of other rude stuff she said about the family.  I printed out that email. Gave my aunts a copy of it. When we were at a funeral for a cousin who passed on some months later.  Told them to read it when they get home.  My aunts were all disgusted with what Janet wrote. I wrote back to Janet.  Laying it out on the line how I felt  I sent her like 2 pages of email. Telling her how things were growing up.  To not place blame on moms side of the family.  They were nothing but good to us. Shared their kids clothes with us. When their kids out grew them.  Then when dad was out of work. How Uncle Richie sent over gallons of milk for us kids.  That if you got blame to place.  Put it on most of dads family. That it was grandma on his side was mean. She'd hollar in German everytime I sat on her bed and wrinkled the bed spread. This was when I was like 4yrs old. She lived with us in a rented lower of a duplex till dad bought his own house.  Everyone but Auntie Anita on dads side was mean to us.  They never helped dad out while he was layed off looking for other work. Moms family did that. Told Janet she wasn't around for mom in her last  years of life. She wanted nothing to do with her.  It was dh our son and I dealt with everything of mom.  I told her in her time of need. If she spites all her family. She might have to rely on the kindness of strangers. Not that I would never help her in her time of need.  But pointed out some people might think that way.  That is when Janet cut me from her life. Janet does not know I gave a copy of the rude mean email she wrote me about moms family. 

On to my sister Mary. She thought she was better than everyone. Because she has a masters degree in teaching.  She was married 3 times. She marries first dh Mike a year after I got married in a civil ceremony. They lived in California. She was still in college.   They had no kids together.  She brings him back our state to live. Figuring he just got out of the Navy. He'd have to find work. Which dh's brother hooked him up with job.  They lived in the upper of dads duplex. Since grandma on moms side was already deceased.  Paid dad rent and all that.  The marriage did not work out. When our son was like 2yrs old Mary gets divorced from Mike.

Finished up teaching degree.  Moves and hour out of town for her first job.  Had an apartment for a bit. Then was dating some guy Dave. He wanted to get married. But she changed her mind.  Breaks up. Starts dating a guy Tom.  He seems like the family type.  Someone a woman would want for a dh. She marries him in a full Catholic cermemony. Like this marriage was intended to be for life.  Has 3 kids. They build a house together. I think the oldest her son was like 10yrs old. She divorces Tom.  Says he won't let her be the  person she wants to be. Mary was also a bit self centered.  She'd want all the nice things in life.  Would get mad if she didn't get them. Tom was more frugal. Preferred to save more of his money. When Mary wanted a new washer and dryer for their house.  She said lets get these front loader ones that were at least 2,000$ for the set.  He said no.  Lets get a standard washer dryer set.  They will work just as well.  He was a great father and all that.   Mary didn't like to sometimes be told how things will be.  They sold that house they had built. Split the money going their separate ways.  He bought a place on one side of town. She on the other.  Visitation was set at. She'd get them through the week during school time. So one parent made sure the kids went to school and that.  He'd get them on weekends. Then they had scheduled vacations. Where he'd take them somewhere for a week or whatever time they agreed on legally with the court. They'd share holidays. Pretty much like many other divorced couples with kids.  Mom would always ask me why Mary got divorced. I'd say I don't know.  Mom always wanted to know our deep dark secrets. 

When mom passed.  Mary was being very difficult with the funeral plans. Mom made it clear long before she passed.  She wants Fr. Lawrence to do her funeral mass.  When we were making arrangements for that.  Fr. Lawrence was to be leaving on a scheduled trip for priests at noon on Friday July 15th.  He could do her mass Thursday the night before  Or if we would rather it be done no later than 11am.  All us but Mary were ok with that.  She said it will be at noon on the 15th..  No iffs ands or buts.  I said no matter what mom was over the years. Give her,her last final wish.  Fr. Lawrence and family begged her to change her mind.  She would not budge. So we ended up with a priest from the Diocese. Fr. Bruce.  Although he winged it good putting on a funeral for mom.  Not knowing her at all. It was not the final wish mom had.  I was angry. Even at one point told family.  If Mary don't like the time we chose for mass. She can kiss my grits.  Lets just do it at 11am.  The aunts and uncles said well we can't do that.  Mary's kids should be at grandmas funeral.  If we did another time. It would make them not come.  That was more of Mary being spiteful to get her way.  Later on the reason Mary would not budge on time of the funeral. She was going to the airport to pick up her then bf Frank. Which none of us really knew much about.  Just she'd been dating him long distance.  As he lives in Albuquerque. 

It wasn't till Labor Day weekend 2011 she tells me she is engaged to Frank. No date set for the wedding.  She'd let us know what the plans are. We're trying to plan Christmas. Mary kept avoiding picking a date.  Making excuses of not doing nothing till after January. At that point I had presents bought for everyone. Well got them all gift cards.  Just because the kids are now teens. It's hard to buy for them. I figured they'd have fun doing their own shopping spending up the gift cards.  Then comes December 29 2011. I'm on Facebook.  It's afternoon. I see on Mary's Facebook. She just got married to Frank. She posted pictures of a ceremony that took place in her living room. By the J.O.P. I assume. No one knew of the secret wedding. One of her friends was almost going to stop over for a visit. But changed her mind. As she posted comment to Mary's wedding announcement

At this point we really didn't have much of a relationship. She felt she was more right in her beliefs.  Tried telling me how wrong I am for being more conservative.  That I don't care about the people I should care about.  She called me some words. Even said I was unchristian like. Dh wrote her a 2 page email Explaining a lot of things. Why we Catholics believe as we do.  Putting her in her place. Dh is good at writing..  He wrote like a theology class he took at the Catholic university.  She wrote back with really no comment but Oh. Ok.  Knowing dh was right in his words I assume.  Then she'd be mad if I dared talk conservative to my other friends on Facebook.  Most my friends are Conservatives. I told Mary. It doesn't matter if your Liberal and I'm Conservative.  Can't we agree to disagree. At some point she got more upset with my beliefs. Starts commenting on all my mistakes I made over the years. I said yes I made mistakes. But learned from them.  You. You must not of learned. Your on dh 3. You think that is fine.  What you going to do when this marriage don't work. You gave up everything where you came from. So you have nothing not even a job to go back to.  That was when she said Good Bye.  I said have nice life in Albuquerque with Frank.  Now she has her kids during the school year there.  Their father gets them for Christmas and some of summer break. He's been nothing but good to his kids. He got cheated on the visitation. But Mary acts like Frank is more their father than their bio father is. I see pictures of all the nice things Frank gives them. That's her spiteful way. The marriage didn't work. So she figured spite him. By being ugly with the custody deal.  I have not spoke to Mary in a little over a year. Hadn't seen her or her kids physically since moms funerall July 15-2011. What gets me. Is Mary setting her self up for divorce again?  Her first 2 marriages she took on the dh's last names.  Marriage 3 to Frank. She kept her maiden name. I don't think it was for business reasons.

Hadn't seen Janet since that time. Hadn't talked to her since September.  I'm the only one who was around for family.  Mary and Janet always had excuses of not coming around. After Mary cut me from her life. I spent up the gift cards that were for her and her kids. Since she was not wanting to be part of my life. I'm not allowed to speak to her kids.  Although I do know exactly where she lives in Albuquerque. Well at one point I had Franks phone number. Because we were all friends on Facebook. So I did a reverse phone search.  It said was Frank and the address.  So I looked on their city web page. The property search. Looked up the address that matched the phone number.  It says it is a house. Owned by Frank.  I look up the house on Google Maps. It's a really nice house with a pool in the yard. So Mary is living it up nicely with Frank and her kids.  I won't be contacting her at that address anytime soon.  Not unless there was some big family emergency.  like someone passed on.  Of course I won't put a return address on the envelope.  Or she'd just return it back to me. I'd make sure the address is typed on not hand written where it was going. So she wouldn't suspect is was me.

Since Mary blocked me from Facebook. I log in under a different profile. Just to see what she posts of her kids. I'm sure not everything she posts is public.  But will never hit share on her stuff.  I might right click and save the image to my computer. But also posted the pictures on a photo storage site online.  In case my computer crashes.  There isn't a day go by I don't think about Mary's kids. I watch the kids growing up. They are 14,15 and 16. Well the son will be 17 in June.  Her middle child a dd is my God child.  Janet does not have any kids. Then the sister Jackie who is mentally disabled She don't really know any of us. If we go see her. But do know she is being well cared for at this group home. There are 4 or 5 other girls who live there. They have CNA's a nurse and a psychologist or maybe it's a psychiatrist. Who monitors meds and that. 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2008
Wed, 04-10-2013 - 1:55pm

Ew, that is tough. I get along really well with my sisters and one of my sisters is my best friend. The other is mentally ill (Bipolar Disorder) and we have to be very careful because she is easily offended and not easy to deal with when she is offended. Have you tried to reach out to Mary with a nice "thinking about you" card? Maybe try sending her one through the mail and keep your message to her brief and light.

Brenda

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-1997
Wed, 04-17-2013 - 7:31pm

It gets uglier yet. I got a call last night.  My aunt from Arizona called. She says Janet is attempting to have moms urn dug up. Says mom don't belong next to dad. Is causing all sorts of trouble. Supposedly she called the cemetery. Demanded they dig up moms urn.  They said no.  She has no legal rights to it.  Janet don't contact me about that.  If I wrote to either Mary or Janet. They would just return the letter to me. Not even opening it. They treat me like the black sheep.  I called our son James  Who is 24.  Lives on his own.  Told him Auntie Janet wants to dig up your grandmas urn.  He said she is sick.  Mental in the head.  Then he said I fear for you and dad.  Auntie Janet might come shoot you.  I said I doubt that. That yes she'd have the balls to attempt to dig up moms urn.  But not to go shoot anyone.  So James says.  If something happens to you or dad. He will spend his every last cent to find out who done it.  I'm just going to go on with my life as I been.  Not worrying what Mary and Janet are doing.  Dh says if Janet does manage to dig up the urn.  He will make a mockary of her.   He will go to the media to make a big issue. How dare someone go dig up a mothers grave.  Publicly embarass Janet.   I told my aunt when she called.  That I will give out Mary and Janets current addresses and phone numbers.  And addresses of people they are connected with where they live.  I would love peace with all my sisters.  But they refuse to have anything to do with me.