My son gets too upset!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
My son gets too upset!
6
Wed, 08-06-2003 - 3:31pm
I can sort of understand a bit. My son is 28. His ex is a total idiot and living out of the country at the moment (it would be better all around if she stays there!. He has a lovely, lovely daughter who is 10. The two of them just got back from holidays.

It just that he totally overreacts to the most trivial thing.

He asked me to look after his house while he was gone and I also was feeding my granddaughter's fish. So while I was watering the flowers I turned his stereo on. Of course nowadays stereos don't have a "power" button so I had to push a few before the thing came on. Then I wanted to watch something on TV so I just turned the volume down on the stereo and forgot all about it!

They got back last Sunday and then he phoned me, ranting and raving about "who had been listening to his stereo and why was the volume turned right down". Now I could see this reaction if I had taken a sledgehammer to the thing. But honestly in the big picture of things - was it very important?

My granddaughter and I went for a walk this morning and then we came back here to swim in my pool. Dad phoned and said he was picking her up and she asked him to bring her a cooler t-shirt. Anyway, he came busting through the door shouting and yelling becuase she wasn't ready when he got here! I had assumed that he would come in becuase she had to change her shirt. He went stomping out the front door and slammed it behind him!

I suppose some people would say I shouldn't put up with this kind of behaviour, but I just feel sorry for him. I suppose he isn't very happy with the way life has gone for him although if his ex decided to stay away for ever, I am sure he would be 100% happier.

I think I feel that a person cannot be very happy in themself to behave like this. I just wonder if there is something I can say to him because overreacting to trivialities like he does - I would just think it would make a person more unhappy.

What do you all think?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
Wed, 08-06-2003 - 6:22pm
I have experience dealing with someone like your son. Unfortunately I do not have a solution. This person did not seem to think he had a problem. I urged him to go to anger management therapy, but it would only make him blow up more. He accused me of being the problem. From what I hear he is still threatening to punch people because the dishes weren't done properly or some other lame excuse. Perhaps your son would listen to you if you urge him to go to counseling together as a family or alone. This sort of behaviour is not appropriate in front of the daughter. It will cause her much pain down the road, and she might start to believe that this type of behaviour is acceptable, and it is not.
Avatar for goldie15
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
Wed, 08-06-2003 - 11:44pm
I also have a 28 year old son. He also blows at the silliest things. Slam the door to hard and he blows, I mean just seems to have no patience, does not seem to realize how immature he is acting. If I bother to point it out, I am labeled as crazy and imagining things!

I told him over and over again to calm dowm, no good, so I tried reasoning with him, chasing after him and asking why such stupid stuff set him off...nothing! So I finally after his last blow up told him told him to just GROW UP!!!

If he has an anger problem he needs to deal with it, if it is stress or just being plain unhappy about life, then he needed to deal with it, but in our case I finally decided that it was none of those things, it was that he knew I would put up with it! He did not do it on front of his Dad, or his friends, just me, so I just stopped it!

Now, my son was just acting like an idiot, your son may have a real reason for his outburst, if you can try to talk to him about it, if he is not willing to deal with you about it, then you cannot change him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 12:39am
I think you're right. In a lot of ways he is very mature, but in some ways he is immature. I think its because I am Mom and I will always be Mom and so if something doesn't go his way he knows he can blow up and I will still be there. He would never, ever behave like that if his Dad was around. I think he is pushing my buttons and so I try not to react. I figure if he is trying to start a fight, then I wont give him the satisfaction! I don't know what your son is like but mine gets over it in an hour. He doesn't carry it on.

Yesterday he and my granddaughter came over for supper. He was sitting upstairs watching TV and I was making the supper. I could hear him yelling something but I couldn't hear what it was. When we got to the table he made some comment about the fact that he had said how I should put the chicken and sauce on top of the noodles and not serve them separately. So I said "yes - and you probably said that while you were loafing on my bed watching TV and I was down in the kitchen with the chicken sizzling and the noodles boiling. I guess you figured I should stop cooking the supper and come upstairs so you didn't have to get off the bed and come down and tell me!"

After that he was perfectly nice! I have just found that if I blow up as well - it just makes this doubly worse. It just seems to me that if I blow up - it makes me unhappy and I think he would be a lot happier if he cooled down a bit.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 2:20am
To both mothers:

If your sons act this childish in front of you, think about what they do to their significant others when you are not around. You are not the only ones who see this behaviour, and they could be treating other people worse. Just keep your eyes open. Do not justify their behaviour, and don't give them any excuses. I really think your son or sons need therapy. Treating people this poorly will only lead to worse things. This is how emotional abuse can turn into physical abuse.

Avatar for goldie15
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 8:43am
I know what my son married life is like, it is the marriage from H**L, and both of them need to get out of it! They both behave like kids, and they do not have any right being together, and they do not care who sees their fight/arguments!

Theraphy, I agee strongly with that, it is needed. My son needs theraphy and so does his wife but I can suggest it but I cannot force them to go.

As for his out burst, I am only discussing what I see at my home, no where else. Once I told my son to "knock" it off and behave like a mature humane being, he did...at my home! That was all I was concerned about at the moment. My son's outburst of vulgar language and screaming fits only lasted a few minutes and then it was over. No more was said, once I stopped it and started demanding better behavior at my home, then he stopped his actions.

Physical violence, yes...that is a real concern of mine. But, so far my son has never struck anyone to my knowledge when he has been mad. On the other hand, my DIL, has put him in the hospital but hitting him over the head during and argument with a broom. I do see his behavior as childish at my home, if I allow it, he will do it!

as for his marriage, like I said I know how bad that is, and I cannot understand why they do not end it or get help, but I also know that my son is nevere nasty, ill tempered or rude to anyone else. As long as he keeps his temper at my house under control, then I will live with that. Trust me, If I ever think he is going to "snap" in front of his wife or anyone else, I will be the first one to do something.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 1:42pm
I am sorry to hear about your son's marriage. Perhaps the stress is too much. I suppose my replies were strongly worded because of my strong feelings. My ex-boyfriend would blow up over the smallest of things. He would lie about me continuously, even to my face. I couldn't stop him. One time I was walking towards the hall after a fight because I wanted to go to bed. He was walking towards me and pushed me to the ground, but luckily I fell safely into a chair. I told him he was lucky I didn't hit the back of my head on the table. I told him if he ever did it again I would leave him. I never told anyone about this. His parents don't know. I asked him why he did it, and he said it was my fault, that I made him hit me. I told him that was ridiculas, that only he is in control of his actions. This made him yell at me more. I am lucky to be out of that relationship.

-D