My Unmarried Sister is Pregnant Again...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2003
My Unmarried Sister is Pregnant Again...
4
Wed, 05-21-2003 - 4:45pm
I am at work right now, and just got a call from my 22 year old sister. (FYI...I am a year older than her). She just called to share with me the news that she is pregnant again, much to my disappointment. My sister had her first child at 20 with a very unstable man who does not associate with her anymore. She had a beautiful little girl who is my very cherished neice that I love SO VERY much. She is a blessing to the family.

Erica is unmarried though, and has had a hard time finding the right job for herself. She is currently receiving aid from the state, and living with her boyfriend of one year who works, but has TWO other children whom he has to support himself, so he struggles financially. Don't get me wrong--my sister has provided a nice, loving home for my neice, and my neice receives plenty of love and attention from her large family that adores her and would give the world to her. The only thing is is that my sister struggles enough with one child--financially and emotionally. My parents help her out quite frequently with babysitting and money, and I feel that my sister was just starting to get things straightened out to prepare a comfortable life for she and my neice. And then she goes and gets pregnant. Her boyfriend does not even know, but he has explicitly told my sister he does not want another child until they are married and more prepared. My sister didn't tell him she was off birth control. She called me today with the news and I am very upset. It is not FAIR to my little neice (who's barely 2) that there is going to be another child in the picture. It would be one thing if my sister was married and more prepared to handle another, but she is not.

She and I are so very opposite. I just wish she'd have more common sense...and realize she should have been more careful and planned this pregnancy a little better. It angers me so much that women take having children so lightly. Another problem is is that just last week she was telling me she wanted to be single again, that she loved, but was not IN love with her current boyfriend. Go figure, now he's the father of her second baby. This is going to bring so much stress to the family. I feel like crying.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-21-2003 - 5:17pm
I'm so sorry for you, I know exactly how you feel. When I read your post it hit so close to home! My sister did a similar thing, she is 5 years older than me. She got pregnant by her live in bf when she was 23/24, and had my precious nephew, this was almost 9 years ago. (this was after two abortions too, when she was younger, but thankfully she decided to keep my nephew). So then we ended up living together, because the dad abandoned them. My mom ended up taking care of my nephew while my sister worked and I worked some and went to school. It was hard believe me, but those are some of the best memories I have, I try not to focus on the bad stuff. Today she is married(although a rocky one) and has another child, my niece. Anyway, I don't know what else to tell you except that you cannot control her or make decisions for her. Obviously she is young and immature and she will learn from all of this, one day hopefully. Unfortunately, this happens alot to people who don't take responsibility for their lives and they end up not only hurting themselves but others in the process. It sounds like she has a strong family around who will support her and the baby, and love her, I just think that she needs to see some consequences for her actions. Right now, she sees that she can do whatever and there will always be someone else to deal with and pick up the pieces. That is sad. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. What about her bf? Are there any plans on them getting married? It's so frustrating seeing people in your life making all the wrong decisions while you stand back and can't do anything about it! Well, you are not alone. You can come here and vent all you want, it helps me, believe me!

 baby

Avatar for cl_starrzz_n_moonzz
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-21-2003 - 8:07pm
Ok here is my two cents( coming from a prego). I really truelly believe that we can never change or help our loved ones see the right path for them. They always seem to go against the grain and do things we sit back and say "Why on earth are they doing that?". We can almost always see the bad things because we are on the outside looking in and can see where they have their faults and struggles and vice versa. You did not say if she purposely avoided taking her pill or if this was an "oops". I say that because I was only off my pill for a week and BAM here is another one on the way(#2) yes me and DH wanted another, but we never thought it would happen this fast. All I can say is to be there for her and love this new baby as much as you love your little neice. You sound like you care very much but she will have to learn on her own how far she can stretch. I am sure there will be others here that can give yousome better advic. Until then remember we are always here and would love to have your input on posts. Please feel free to post anytime. Until then~~~~Michelle
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2003
Thu, 05-22-2003 - 8:32am
Thank you for your very heartfelt message--you are so very right about everything you said. To look on the bright side of things is what we have to do--and accept the fact that people will make their own choices and lead their own lives. I just hope and pray things work out for the best. Thank you for sharing with me and allowing me to vent. You're right, it really does help!!
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Registered: 05-15-2003
Thu, 05-22-2003 - 8:41am
Thanks Michelle for your wonderful advice! Of course I am going to love this new baby, no matter what. I know my sister is in for a lot of hard work, but this is something she is going to have to take on for herself, and with her boyfriend, who by the way she told, and although he's a bit nervous, he tells her it's all going to work out. Of course my family and I will be there, even though we're disappointed and SOME of us (like my dad) don't know yet--but my sister must realize that she is going to have to be 100% responsible and realize that having children is not a game. Right now it seems easy because she's got so much help with my niece--I just hope it doesn't overwhelm her to the point in which the children are affected. I hope she and her boyfriend marry and do their absolute best to raise their children. I know my niece (and future niece or nephew) will be very fortunate because of all the love they have within our family--I just hope my sister does not struggle her whole life financially, and does her best to make a good life for them...anyway, thanks again for your advice. I really appreciate it, and cherish the fact that I can come here anytime to vent.
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