Narcissistic Mother

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2012
Narcissistic Mother
4
Thu, 02-02-2012 - 9:05pm

Ok, I get that my parents have done a lot for me but I can honestly say that my mother has been this way for as long as I can remember. I had my daughter as a single 18 yr old. I lived with my parents who helped me take care of her. I didn't go out and work since I was taking care of my young child and expected to take care of my mother who can't even drive by herself (she claims panic attacks). To supplement that choice, I ran daycare from home and then sent myself to community college online to get my foot into the door of my career choice. The whole time all I heard was how I have no common sense for the field I chose and I'm too lazy to get a job so why bother. She threw a tantrum and wouldn't speak to me for days when I couldn't take her to visit my brother (who she didn't even know was home or not) because I had a test. Not to mention I wasn't able to go anywhere by myself or needed some space because then I was a horrible daughter. Skip a little ways down the road and I was engaged to the man who's now my husband. He was looking for a better job before we moved in together when my parents offered to let us live with them and they would just by a house with a attached apartment (they were moving anyways) because my mom didn't want me to move the hour and half away. The whole time I was even considering it I was being called a selfish and bad mother. After much discussion we decided to take them up on the offer so I could stay close by and help my mom. Fast forward two yrs and I'm a stay home to take care of my daughter while my husband works. We decided that's the best situation for us. DD has ADHD and is a very low dose of medication. She's been mistreated by a lot of adults because of it so it's been hard to find someone who can handle her needs. We're still with my parents and I take my mom to all her doctor appointments, shopping anywhere that's more than five minutes away, and pay her bills online. Now all I ever hear is how we're moochers and she throws tantrums anytime I won't take her shopping when she wants to go. She even got pissed off when I wouldn't take my little cousins off her hands (that she invited to visit) by taking them with me to the obgyn! Now they're moving again and my husband and I feel like we can't take anymore. We discussed moving despite our tight budget. My mother complains "what about me", "you have to take care of your dad if something happens to me", and "you're not ready to move out on your own." We weren't even rushing the decision, we also discussed staying with them but they're having problems finding a house large enough along with putting up with her behavior. They went to look at a house to which I asked where I was supposed to fit a baby (I'm currently expecting baby #2) when it was a doublewide. I wasn't expecting a lot of room but the bedrooms are so tiny I wouldn't have room to put the crib my room. After being told repeatedly that we need to stay with them she then gets mad and starts saying "I can't believe you would say that. How dare you. You're married, you can move out. How dare you say that to me." She's done ran my brother away and my father works full time while she stays home so I'm the only one left to take care of her. I just feel so used and everything I do is unrecognized. I don't mind helping but it gets made out to everyone else that she helps me and I do nothing in return. Has anyone else dealt with a parent like this? I feel like I'm going to lose my mind. Any advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2010
Thu, 02-02-2012 - 9:31pm
My advice....MOVE and get your own life!! You've allowed her to control you for too long and it's time to stand on your own. If you haven't accomplished things you wanted to is in you...not her. Her abusive behavior has kept you reined in and it's time to break free.

Good luck.

San
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2010
Thu, 02-02-2012 - 11:26pm
browneyedpixi wrote:

Ok, I get that my parents have done a lot for me but I can honestly say that my mother has been this way for as long as I can remember. I had my daughter as a single 18 yr old. I lived with my parents who helped me take care of her. I didn't go out and work since I was taking care of my young child and expected to take care of my mother who can't even drive by herself (she claims panic attacks). To supplement that choice, I ran daycare from home and then sent myself to community college online to get my foot into the door of my career choice. The whole time all I heard was how I have no common sense for the field I chose and I'm too lazy to get a job so why bother. She threw a tantrum and wouldn't speak to me for days when I couldn't take her to visit my brother (who she didn't even know was home or not) because I had a test. Not to mention I wasn't able to go anywhere by myself or needed some space because then I was a horrible daughter. Skip a little ways down the road and I was engaged to the man who's now my husband. He was looking for a better job before we moved in together when my parents offered to let us live with them and they would just by a house with a attached apartment (they were moving anyways) because my mom didn't want me to move the hour and half away. The whole time I was even considering it I was being called a selfish and bad mother. After much discussion we decided to take them up on the offer so I could stay close by and help my mom. Fast forward two yrs and I'm a stay home to take care of my daughter while my husband works. We decided that's the best situation for us. DD has ADHD and is a very low dose of medication. She's been mistreated by a lot of adults because of it so it's been hard to find someone who can handle her needs. We're still with my parents and I take my mom to all her doctor appointments, shopping anywhere that's more than five minutes away, and pay her bills online. Now all I ever hear is how we're moochers and she throws tantrums anytime I won't take her shopping when she wants to go. She even got pissed off when I wouldn't take my little cousins off her hands (that she invited to visit) by taking them with me to the obgyn! Now they're moving again and my husband and I feel like we can't take anymore. We discussed moving despite our tight budget. My mother complains "what about me", "you have to take care of your dad if something happens to me", and "you're not ready to move out on your own." We weren't even rushing the decision, we also discussed staying with them but they're having problems finding a house large enough along with putting up with her behavior. They went to look at a house to which I asked where I was supposed to fit a baby (I'm currently expecting baby #2) when it was a doublewide. I wasn't expecting a lot of room but the bedrooms are so tiny I wouldn't have room to put the crib my room. After being told repeatedly that we need to stay with them she then gets mad and starts saying "I can't believe you would say that. How dare you. You're married, you can move out. How dare you say that to me." She's done ran my brother away and my father works full time while she stays home so I'm the only one left to take care of her. I just feel so used and everything I do is unrecognized. I don't mind helping but it gets made out to everyone else that she helps me and I do nothing in return. Has anyone else dealt with a parent like this? I feel like I'm going to lose my mind. Any advice?


Hi

Its obvious you care very much what your mothers view of you is and you seek her approval otherwise you would learn to ignore certain things that she says to you and brush it off. Maybe you need to toughen up to her a bit, she does sound like a bully and she sounds like she has very demanding childish attitudes too.

It seems that you are a very capable, you looked after other children to supplement your income and studied, while helping out at home. You also sound quite grateful, as you started by saying so. Essentially you have to weigh up the pros and cons of living at home with your parents.

THe pros include having your physical needs met .. Furniture that you use, perhaps you don't have to pay rent.. Babysitters available. These things are very important while you have such young kids.

THe negative side of it all is that your mother insults you and makes you feel like nothing.

Perhaps you need some time to go away and have a chance to think what it is YOU want. Do you want to stay where you have security and others love your kids or go away and manage on your own. You will eventually have to do this, but maybe now is not the right time. You could turn the whole thing around and just work a bit harder, stay out of your

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002
Thu, 02-02-2012 - 11:52pm

A narcissist is someone whose emotional development has stopped developing at a certain phase.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Fri, 02-03-2012 - 6:58pm

Narcissism is a behavior that is truly impossible to understand when you aren't the narcissist.