Need advice about emotionally abusive mother (just had twins three months ago)...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2011
Need advice about emotionally abusive mother (just had twins three months ago)...
16
Sat, 11-12-2011 - 2:05am

Hi! :smileyhappy: My name is Sarah and I'm 31. I'm currently on mat leave from being a supply teacher. I just had twin sons in August. I love my sons and have waited years to become pregnant! I feel so blessed to have my sons! I also have a husband who finished school for RN two years ago, and is currently trying to register in Canada to nurse here. He currently works in my parents' business. I have no other children besides my sons.

Anyways, I came here for some advice after dealing with a very hard year, and an abusive, emotionally abusive mother. My mother has kids, six grandchildren. We have had a volatile relationship since I was around fifteen. I've always been closer to my father, who I have a close bond with, but it seems to be fading, when my mother interferes.

My parents financially helped my husband, by providing him a job, and I receive my maternity benefits. We are stuck in a house with my mom's name on it, and we are currently in the process of building a newer house with more room, but my parents names are on it. We do not have the best credit histories.

Anyways, my husband is amazing dad. We both have been taking care of our twin sons 24/7 since they were born. I had a C-Section. All through my pregnancy and fertility treatments, C-section, and now raising my children, I have expected my mother to come and help me with my twins. She helped every morning for the first two weeks of August, and has since laxed to coming over one day a week, and visits for an hour. She usually brings somoene with her, whether it's my father, her best friend, etc.

Basically, my parents support us financially with providing my husband with a job, but this has all come to head over the last few months. Yesterday and today, I am so hurt, ashamed, and fustrated with her actions, I just don't know what to do anymore.

Since I have come home from the hospital, it has been an ongoing battle between her, my husband, and I about the raising of our children. She disagrees with everything we do, and continously tells me how to run my life. When I was first had my babies, she wanted to let me know she didn't want anymore children after my second brother Steve and I was an accident. Then, she said she was calling FACS on us. We are great parents. My sons are thriving and

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2010
Hi Sarah!! I read your post and wanted to respond quickly to make sure you're alright this morning. Have you spoken to your therapist with your suicide thoughts??
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004

Honestly I think you and your dh need to grow up and move out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2010

I don't want to kick you when you're down but you are allowing your Mother complete control of your life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009

She assaulted you, then in a few hours you called her and asked her to take you shopping for your kids, on her dime?

This dynamic will never change until you and your DH and kids are out on your own, building a life without your parents' financial support.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2002

Oh Sarah, Sarah. I am so sorry you're going through this, but this is going to be a tough time for you and you're going to HAVE to find the strength somewhere. Your babies depend on you to do the right thing for them, and you must keep your own sanity for them. They need you, and your husband loves you. It's time to grow up and become a full-fledged independent adult.

A few details I gathered, which matter:

                  &nbs

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2011

Hi Leta, if that's okay I call you that, instead of your username! First off, thanks for your advice. I really appreciate it, and I agree with you 100%.

First off, I live in their house, but I pay the rent. We are moving out of this house, and building a new house, which is more room for our children. My husband and I's names are the title of the house, and my dad co-signed just so we could get the loan, and within a year, we will have the house in our own name. So, we are essentially going to be on our own in a home in a year.

Secondly, I take full responsibility that I am financially dependent on my parents. Well, I'll take that back. I am actually bringing in my own pay check because I worked as a teacher, and made enough money to receive a good week's salary. I also make great money, so essentially I do support myself. The problem is really my husband who doesn't have the job, but this isn't his fault. We are waiting for his nursing courses to be assessed and for him to write the exam. He is guaranted a nursing job at the end of this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2011
Hi swimercise! Yes, I have. Honestly, I have been there a few times, but doubt I would do it. I love my sons too much. I see her this week, and I am hoping to get a closer appointment, then the one I have. I will let her know though how I felt. I am a very honest person, and I hate lying. Thanks for your advice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2011
Hi. Thanks for your advice. To clarify, I don't live in their house. I live in a house that my mother's name is on. I can see your point of saying I use my mother, and I respect your thoughts. However, I do not use my mother because I am a teacher, and have maternity beneifts for a year based on all the work I have done in the previous year. I worked all the time. Also, my husband works for my father and he needs the help, so we don't use them. My husband works for his paycheque at my dad's business, and I get my own paycheck from my benefits.

I understand I'm a mother now, and my children's safety is my utmost concern. My sons' come first before my husband. My mother has been emotionally abusive to me, but I never thought she would make it physical. Now, it has become that, and trust me, she will never watch my kids. I haven't left my kids with anyone since they were born, except my aunt once.

I understand infants don't care about Christmas. They care about being safe, and my sons are safe with my husband and I.They are healthy, beautiful, and happy babies. My sons' barely cry, only if they are hungry, tired, or want some cuddling from me, and are doing well with their development and weight gain. I know I am an excellent mother and my husband is an excellent father.

I will definitely speak to my therapist. Thanks for your advice. It is well-appreciated.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2011

Thanks San for your advice. You are absolutely right. My husband and I are very well aware of the boundaries being crossed, and we will be set free when his job comes through. It's coming soon. I pray to God. Once his nursing job comes, we'll be free, and I can NOT wait. Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2011
Thank you for your advice. I was wrong in from I did, and my husband pointed this out to me. I will never do this again. I actually bought their gifts today myself, and I am very happy with my purchases. I did it within my budget and we are very happy with our toy selections. TY for your advice. Take care.

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