Need advice about emotionally abusive mother (just had twins three months ago)...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2011
Need advice about emotionally abusive mother (just had twins three months ago)...
16
Sat, 11-12-2011 - 2:05am

Hi! :smileyhappy: My name is Sarah and I'm 31. I'm currently on mat leave from being a supply teacher. I just had twin sons in August. I love my sons and have waited years to become pregnant! I feel so blessed to have my sons! I also have a husband who finished school for RN two years ago, and is currently trying to register in Canada to nurse here. He currently works in my parents' business. I have no other children besides my sons.

Anyways, I came here for some advice after dealing with a very hard year, and an abusive, emotionally abusive mother. My mother has kids, six grandchildren. We have had a volatile relationship since I was around fifteen. I've always been closer to my father, who I have a close bond with, but it seems to be fading, when my mother interferes.

My parents financially helped my husband, by providing him a job, and I receive my maternity benefits. We are stuck in a house with my mom's name on it, and we are currently in the process of building a newer house with more room, but my parents names are on it. We do not have the best credit histories.

Anyways, my husband is amazing dad. We both have been taking care of our twin sons 24/7 since they were born. I had a C-Section. All through my pregnancy and fertility treatments, C-section, and now raising my children, I have expected my mother to come and help me with my twins. She helped every morning for the first two weeks of August, and has since laxed to coming over one day a week, and visits for an hour. She usually brings somoene with her, whether it's my father, her best friend, etc.

Basically, my parents support us financially with providing my husband with a job, but this has all come to head over the last few months. Yesterday and today, I am so hurt, ashamed, and fustrated with her actions, I just don't know what to do anymore.

Since I have come home from the hospital, it has been an ongoing battle between her, my husband, and I about the raising of our children. She disagrees with everything we do, and continously tells me how to run my life. When I was first had my babies, she wanted to let me know she didn't want anymore children after my second brother Steve and I was an accident. Then, she said she was calling FACS on us. We are great parents. My sons are thriving and

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2010

My Mother is not the Mother I want or need....for too many years I jumped through hoops hoping to get her attention and approval.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009
Nice post, Sadie.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004

I can understand that you were very upset when you first posted here, and it sounds as if you're a little calmer now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2011
I agree. My husband and I have discussed this. We are going to take each day as it comes. Wishful thinking and the realistic side of it are two different things. I just want my sons' to have a grandmother, but if she won't be one, so be it. They'll have my husband and myself to be there for them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009
If my mother physically attacked me, I wouldn't be buying her Christmas present right now.

I'm wondering if you'll be able to set boundaries when ya'll are out of their rent house and your father's company.

You need to get some distance from them.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009
Please tell me... why on God's green earth would you want your abusive mother to have a bond with your kids? She'll do the same things to them, you know. She's not suddenly going to become non-abusive. I think you're setting them up for hurt by letting your mother around them.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2011
Thank you for your advice. I was wrong in from I did, and my husband pointed this out to me. I will never do this again. I actually bought their gifts today myself, and I am very happy with my purchases. I did it within my budget and we are very happy with our toy selections. TY for your advice. Take care.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2011

Thanks San for your advice. You are absolutely right. My husband and I are very well aware of the boundaries being crossed, and we will be set free when his job comes through. It's coming soon. I pray to God. Once his nursing job comes, we'll be free, and I can NOT wait. Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2011
Hi. Thanks for your advice. To clarify, I don't live in their house. I live in a house that my mother's name is on. I can see your point of saying I use my mother, and I respect your thoughts. However, I do not use my mother because I am a teacher, and have maternity beneifts for a year based on all the work I have done in the previous year. I worked all the time. Also, my husband works for my father and he needs the help, so we don't use them. My husband works for his paycheque at my dad's business, and I get my own paycheck from my benefits.

I understand I'm a mother now, and my children's safety is my utmost concern. My sons' come first before my husband. My mother has been emotionally abusive to me, but I never thought she would make it physical. Now, it has become that, and trust me, she will never watch my kids. I haven't left my kids with anyone since they were born, except my aunt once.

I understand infants don't care about Christmas. They care about being safe, and my sons are safe with my husband and I.They are healthy, beautiful, and happy babies. My sons' barely cry, only if they are hungry, tired, or want some cuddling from me, and are doing well with their development and weight gain. I know I am an excellent mother and my husband is an excellent father.

I will definitely speak to my therapist. Thanks for your advice. It is well-appreciated.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2011
Hi swimercise! Yes, I have. Honestly, I have been there a few times, but doubt I would do it. I love my sons too much. I see her this week, and I am hoping to get a closer appointment, then the one I have. I will let her know though how I felt. I am a very honest person, and I hate lying. Thanks for your advice.

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