Need advice, opinion about friends

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Need advice, opinion about friends
22
Tue, 07-24-2012 - 10:03am

Hi, I’m new here, so hope I’m doing this right.  I need opinions and/or advise on how a couple of my long-time girlfriends have been treating me.  I have known both these gals for many, many years, one of whom I consider my best friend.  I have been starting to feel a little “used” and need to know if it’s just me or rudeness on their part.  I have a small vacation home that I own and for the last 17 years, I have planned a “ladies weekend”, which has turned into 5-day long vacation, for the three of us to getaway and have fun.  Well, we have always done our grocery shopping on the way up and just split the cost three ways.  Now one has decided she didn’t want to buy soda, so brought her own, while the other bought her own food due to recent health issues.  We just purchase the essentials since I have some things already at the cottage such as condiments, soaps, etc.  The one gal seems to get upset if we buy something that she doesn’t use or want when we are splitting the cost, even though she can certainly include something she wants and we may not.  I think this is just petty.  She also has no problem helping herself to my soda when she runs out. This year, the one girl that brought her own food and didn’t contribute to the other items she in fact was using.  We also bring up our own alcohol that we offer to share with each other.  Well, one of them who said she wasn’t going to be drinking didn’t bring any, but asked if I had Vodka at the cottage, she may want one or two drinks.  What they tend to forget is if we were renting a place on a lake, it would surely cost us around $800.00.  I have never asked for anything in return, I have also never asked for any gas money for running my boat all weekend.  I think they tend to forget it is me paying for the a/c running and all the other costs associated.  This is really beginning to bother me…..I don’t even get a “thank you” at the end of the vacation.  Only once in 17 years did they both split the cost and buy me dinner one of the nights we dined out.  Oh, and one time one of the gals confronted me that I shorted my half of the dinner bill by one dollar.  I guess she didn’t hear me when I said I was getting change.  She also commented this year when we were dumping the garbage at a dumpster that I should be the one getting out of the car and dumping it because it was “my garbage”. One last thing, financially, I do make more money than both the other gals, but, they both have great jobs and are not hurting financially.  Ok, I’m done, what do you think, is it me or rudeness on their part.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2008
Mon, 09-17-2012 - 10:03am

I realize you posted this back in July, but I don't read the board regularly.

I felt compelled to respond to this because, Good Lord...you DO need new friends.

Or...you need to at least point out to them the things you ARE doing for them - gratis.  Sometimes people can be so shortsighted (really??  Calling you out on a $1.00 shortage for the restaurant bill???) and don't realize the "gift" of what their friends do for them.

One way to approach it - if you want to keep your friends - is through humor.  For example, when the comment about the garbage came up - that it's YOUR garbage - you could, with a laugh, say, "Yes, it's my garbage, I suppose, just like it's MY cottage, and MY gin that we drank, and MY boat, which I am so happy to have had a chance to share with you."

Then you place the garbage in the dumpster and let your comment simmer with them.  

The only thing I wonder is if you subconsciously send a message to them that they SHOULD be grateful for being invited to your place?  I don't get that impression, at all - you sound like you are generous and giving to a fault - but if your friends are sensing even a hint of "I'm better than you" they may be reluctant to give you the satisfaction of saying "thanks for a lovely weekend."

Another approach to this whole thing is just to put your thoughts out there, "Madeleine and Jessica - I've been sensing that you're annoyed with me for some reason...have I done something to offend either of you?  I thought we were good enough friends that we can share cottages, alcohol and food without getting petty about it."

Those are my thoughts - you sound like a wonderful person, and maybe do really just need some new friends.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
Thu, 08-09-2012 - 1:39pm

It's pure RUDENESS on their parts...and also it could be that they're getting older which is making them crankier...I say that you stop doing what you're doing ..meaning having this thing every year and just go and do something with other people who will NOT take you for granted!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Tue, 08-07-2012 - 7:18pm
I´m glad you´re asking yourself, why you invite this gal that has never invited you once in 15 years. It´s a good question to think about.

Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Mon, 08-06-2012 - 2:37pm

I think thinning out one's friend pool is a good thing to do now and then.  I have recently become friends with a woman who I'm discovering is driving me crazy.  She constantly says things like "I've got an opinion about your children." and then goes on to say something quite unflattering.  She has never even met my children, and I rarely talk to her about them.  Or "I like most of what you've done in your garden, but if you would move that bush or take out this tree, it would be better."

I hadn't realized how she never has anything positive to say any more until all of a sudden I found myself feeling depressed when I got back from an outing with her and started thinking about why!  I think it's time for me to "thin the herd" by one.  Life is too short for friends who don't find the good in you, support you, and have your back!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Wed, 08-01-2012 - 8:39am

OP, I'm sorry to be so harsh but I just could not remain friends with someone who kvetched about you being $1 short for a restaurant bill after you paying all of the costs associated with the upkeep of the cottage that she had the privilege to enjoy.  Respect would be gone.  How incredibly tacky.  Honestly that kind of behavior needs to be confronted and if she waxes indignant, it really sounds like her loss.  I would be so offended that it would be near impossible for me to hide the chip on my shoulder.

Nuffsaid, I'm also from your "area".  The Muskokas are gorgeous and pricey.  I 'cottaged' in Haliburton as a youngster with a friend's family, and in Collingwood with my own fam.

Avatar for deenow17
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Sun, 07-29-2012 - 4:49pm
They are being very rude but this is one of the negatives about having a vacation property. Sometimes, you just have to tell or show people how you feel but be prepared to cause some issues if you do.

I have 3 cousins that I used to invite for a long weekend at our cottage each year. The first few yr weren't too bad, they brought food that they liked to snack on themselves which was ok as I didn't expect then to bring food for meals as none of them really cook & I love to do it. I did ask them to bring their own alcohol as I don't drink much & what is here is normally my kids (all adults). 2 would bring no alcohol but drink what was here. They would make the weekend all about them, so my other cousin & I would just sit & listen all weekend plus the 2 of us would do the dishes, clean-up, etc.. Finally, one year the "good" cousin let me know she couldn't come that summer because of other commitments with her kids & I chose not to host the weekend. One of the 2 "bad" cousins keep nagging me for a weekend date & I finally said, nope sorry I'm too tired to do all the work to entertain. She was furious & we haven't spoken except at funerals since.

I recently started hosting my cousins weekend again without the nasty one above & things are so much better. The 2 "bad" visitors are sisters but now that one sister isn't invited, the other seems to have found her manners. Last time she showed up with a crockpot dinner made by her hubby for us which was excellent. She also brought a bottle of wine which she drank over the 3 days. She did take every bit of leftovers including the few ozs of wine home but that is her choice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Fri, 07-27-2012 - 4:17am

I see your point and I think you have received very good post giving advice. Besides the money stuff, did you had a good time with them? For how long have you been friends?

If you like them and had a good time, be smarter the next time. As you are the one who invites, I think you have the right to stabish the rules. Tell them that you don´t know for sure if the boat will have gas, and you all may have to put some money for that. That will make them think, that the gas costs money. Sometimes people are like little kids and you have to make them think and be aware of things.

What I do, when I have ever traveled with friends, is to ask for money for a common fund, when the fund is over, we all have to put some money again.

About the garbage, you can say something like "Now, it´s not my garbage it is ours, so who is volunteering", you can even laugh about that.

Also remember that you are priviledged to have the place you have. I wouldn´t think much how much would it cost someone to go to a place I already have. It´s also feels good to give.

About the drink one of your friends had, I would´t care much about that. Probably she will return that some other day in a different way.

I think also that if we are counting all, like having a calculator about how much all I give costs and how much exatly I receive in return, we end not enyoing things.

 

Just my sense of it.!

Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
Wed, 07-25-2012 - 11:40am
Do you feel used and unappreciated by then in other regards or just this one thing? If it's just this one issue, I would just stop inviting them. They clearly have no appreciation for everything your providing for them and are taking it all for granted. They don't deserve a nearly-free vacation. Invite new friends instead.

However, if you feel unappreciated in other ways, I agree with sadie that it's time to find new friends.

You could confront them as swimercise suggested but I think they will most likely get very indignant and refuse and then your friendship will suffer as a result anyway. If you're okay with that outcome though, go for it. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe they will see the tally of expensive you pay for an realize they've been taking the vacation for granted.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2011
Wed, 07-25-2012 - 11:35am
Rudeness on their part. Do they seriously think they can go anywhere on a vacation basically free like you've allowed them?
We now live in the ME era. I thought that was something that only was going on in my family but I've changed my feelings on that as I see and hear so many things that people do. Self centered.
I'mnot sure what kind of advice I have. Maybe next time you go there don't run the boat, tell them the gas is too expensive to pay on your own. Stop for gas in your car when you are all in the car, tell them you are splitting it 3 ways, how much did they want to contribute before you started pumping it. Or maybe just come right out and tell them that you would appreciate some help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2010
Wed, 07-25-2012 - 9:36am
Maybe don't replace the friends but change the rules a bit. Let them know you no longer can absorb the price of the gas, a/c, etc. Set a price for these things adding a tad more for the vodka etc and present that amount to them. If they say they can't pay then you say then we no longer can continue. Just because you've always done it one way doesn't mean it's the right way.

San