Need to get advice on a matter with Mom

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Need to get advice on a matter with Mom
5
Mon, 04-28-2003 - 11:28pm
I have had a problem with my mother for years now. Actually, I have more than one problem with her (LOL!) but this is the one that is bothering me at the current moment. ;)

Let's say my Mom and I have a conversation on the phone about whatever. She will go back and tell my sister and whomever else about what we talked about. I don't mind that much, except for the fact that there are some things that I have specifically said I don't want repeated to ANYONE, but it always winds up coming back to me. Of course, I KNOW that she's the one who said it, because I didn't tell anyone else who would tell who she would tell (like other family members). What is VERY annoying is that if I say something about my sister and I tell her NOT to say anything to my sister, I find out that she did anyway. Usually comes out when sister and I have an argument or conversation about something, my sister will bring up something that I said and I didn't say it to her. I said it to my mother who in turn told my sister. I really HATE it when my mother does it and yes, I have mentioned it to her OVER and OVER again.

The thing that really gets me is that if my sister tells her something about me, she will NOT tell me. I know this because my sister told me something that she told my mother and my mother never said a word to me, claiming "she didn't want to get involved." But she will tell my sister whatever I say. A little one-sided, ya think?????

I guess I'm really annoyed by this because there isn't much I can do about it. However, I would like to be able to talk or mention certain things to my mother, but I realize that I can't because my mother cannot keep anything I tell her to herself. I know we have all broken confidences at times, but my mother does it repeatedly. The worst part is that I find out about it. If my mother was smart, she'd tell someone and tell them never to say anything to me -- then I'd never know. But I guess Mom isn't THAT clever! LOL ;)

Any thoughts on how to deal with this other than not being able to tell her things? I know this is a hard one and I have been struggling with this for YEARS now. When I do find out that Mom broke a confidence and I say something to her, I usually hear "Oh, I slipped. It won't happen again." Which is about the biggest load of crap I've ever heard!

Avatar for goldie15
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
Tue, 04-29-2003 - 9:17am
I had the exact same problem with my mother for years. Was never able to solve the problem. For some reason anything I told her from very intimate problems to day to day stuff....went all over the universe. I finally just had to admit that Mom liked to gossip! So I had to watch what I said and accept that what I did tell her was going to be passed around. I know it is sad and frustrating but it was something I had to deal with and it was easy once I got use to it.

I hope it helps you a little to know someone else has been thru this.

Avatar for cl_2and1more
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 04-29-2003 - 10:54am
I have two ideas. The first is, of course, to stop telling her things.

Second, make up a wild story that will really get your mom going and when she tells everyine. You can just tell everyone. I thought mom was telling things about my private life so I make up this story to see if she would tell people. And it looks like she did. It's sorta mean and puts your mom on the spot but it can be fun to come out on top once in a while. You just have to find a story that fits in with your family.

But not spend your time worring about your mother gossiping. Sometime we just have to accept people for who they are and deal with it.

Good luck

Melissa

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Tue, 04-29-2003 - 5:49pm
I have stopped telling my mother LOTS of things LONG time ago.

My mother claimed a few months ago that she wants to "have a close relationship with both of her children." Well, she isn't going to be able to do that unless she's able to keep a secret and I told her that and she had no response.

I have thought about making up a story to tell my mother. I'll have to think more about what I could tell her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Tue, 04-29-2003 - 5:51pm
Yes it does help to know that someone else has been thru it. Despite that my mother says she wants to have a "close" relationship with me, I know this issue is still out there between us. To me, it is impossible to have a close relationship UNLESS she is able to keep a secret and not tell the whole universe things I want kept a secret. I have told her that in so many words, but I don't think she gets it or understands.

Yes, my Mom does like to gossip. I think most of us do to an extent, but when you want to keep something a secret and you say you want it a secret, that person should do their best to try to keep it a secret.

Avatar for leslie2353
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 04-29-2003 - 8:51pm
My mother is like yours, also, and I end up getting in trouble w/my neices, because they're supposed to be confidential. I turn around and share everything to my kids and DH, and I'm beginning to be like my mom. It's hard to keep them all bottled up inside, that's why we go to therapist (or go online like I'm doing now) because it keeps us AWAKE nights, if we don't let go off some of the findings. Sometimes, I just tell to one person, and it ends right there. Someone I can trust, who doesn't turn around and tell it to another, and back to (whomever).

You could tell you mom: from now on I can't tell you anything! Then just let her do all the talking. That way you won't end up sharing something that shouldn't be shared.