Need to know how to handle my mom!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2003
Need to know how to handle my mom!!!
1
Thu, 07-31-2003 - 9:42am
Ok, this is my first post but have done a lot of reading on the message boards. To start out I just moved to Texas back in April from the midwest. I moved here because my mom moved here about 4 years ago and my family up north isn't very supportive and also because I was ready for a warmer climate. I have been talking to this guy for over a year now and have met him several times and we have spent now especially because I live in Texas now almost every weekend together. He lives about 4 1/2 hours from me here in Texas. I met him through a friend I already had in Texas. We have talked daily, sometimes 3-4 times for over a year. We got to know eachother very well and have fallen in love. I am 24 and he is 36. I have a daughter who's almost 5 and he has 2 children that aren't really his but they were his ex's kids and he was in their life for a long time and they consider him "dad" and he takes responsibility for them. That is no problem to me at all. I have met the kids and everyone gets along very well. I respect him that he wants to at least make a difference in their life. The problem is my mom. She knew things were getting serious with my boyfriend and all of a sudden started acting real weird. She started saying she had some concerns about the age difference and that we would have problems due to that and basically saying she wasn't going to accept him for no other reason but his age. My mom is married to a man that is 10 years older than her, and in my opinion is in a very controlling and mentally abusive relationship. She is not allowed to work, isn't allowed to ride her bike out of the path he's designated, can't go to a public gym to work out, can't go out with her friends EVER. He scolds her like a child if he doesn't like something she's said, ETC. She has said a lot of hurtful things about the situation and when my brother was down on vacation here a few weeks ago, she let him call me at work and ask when "Grandpa Richard" was coming referring to my boyfriend. I said he will be here so and so date and I asked why and he said because they were going to throw an over the hill party and stuff. He basically was doing it to get to me and my mom was right there and didn't intervene in any sort of way. It makes my boyfriend feel uncomfortable to be around them sometimes because he feels like they aren't giving him a chance. I have talked to my mom several times about us getting serious and she goes back and forth. She will tell me one day she is fine with it and the next she is talking bad about the situation. She watches my daughter during the day to help me with money since I am a single mom but I could afford to send her to daycare, I have since she was born. But mom wanted to watch her when I moved until she started kindergarten. An issue that bothers me is she is talking about this with her friends and with my brother right in front of my daughter. I fear this may cause some problems and my daughter has repeated this stuff to me. I just don't feel this is right and fair to my daughter or me and my boyfriend. We are very happy and very much in love and are very supportive of eachother but am frustrated with the extra stress and drama from my mother and her husband. I forgot to mention that a few weeks ago my stepfather wouldn't even talk to me because of me dating him. I asked my mom why he was acting weird and she said that due to his past he thought that I was trying to date several people because I have a few male friends that on ocassion I hang out with. Very rarely, mainly the one because he's going through a divorce and needed a friend to talk to. But due to his past, he thinks that I am dating them all. My mom knows the truth but wouldnt' tell him. She said that when he's in the right mood she will tell him what's going on. That he's grouchy and you have to pick and choose when to talk about stuff. So in the meantime he's treating me differently because of it and she wouldn't stand up to him to let him know. So I need help figuring out how to handle my mom. I am not sure why she's doing this. I dont' know if it's because she's not happy in her relationship and she needs me around to "save" her since she knows that I will be moving to where he lives within a year. She has told me she really needs me to live here but in the meantime she's too much into my relationship and causing more problems for me. I have been taking care of myself since I was 17 and very capable of doing so and also very mature for my age. Me and my boyfriend are going to be together regardless of what anyone else says. We are the only ones who know our relationship and our feelings for eachother. We are not going to get discouraged based on what they are doing and saying but I really would like to know how you would handle it without hurting anyone's feelings. Sorry this is so long. Thanks!


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2003
Sun, 08-03-2003 - 4:27pm
I'm 18 and havent been in your shoes so plz keep that in mind. But I like this board a lot and have found it helpful, so I really wanted to give my opinion to u since no one else has yet :-) I think that you are right, about u & your bf, you're both adults and perfectly capable of deciding whether or not to be together. It sounds like u are in love w/ him and determined to be w/ him and that is great! It sounds like u also love ur mom alot and are worried about her marriage which sounds REALLY bad in my opinion :-( This might be harsh and I do hope that somehow ur mom gets out of that, but frankly I think it sounds like she's the LAST person who should be handing out advice to u. I also think it is NONE of your mom or stepdad's biz whether u r dating more than 1 man at a time, even tho u r not! To me the age difference does not sound bad AT ALL especially since u are a lot more mature than the "average" 24 yr old being a mom and having been on ur own for so LONG! She just needs to get over it, I think. Maybe she never will :-( But hopefully she will, and until then I think the best is to just keep living ur life to make yourself happy and hope that she will see that u r happy and be happy for u. As far as the thing w/ ur daughter I think its great that ur mom is watching her for u, and wants to be involved in her life etc but have u discussed w/ her how upset it makes u that she is discussing this right in front of her? I mean, 5 is not that old but she knows when something bad is being said about her mommy or this bf who sound like he is already a part of her life and may someday be her stepdad too! :-( That is not cool at all. Is there any way maybe eventually u could have someone else watch your daughter? I know its expensive tho. As far as ur mom saying she "needs u there" that is just wrong, its laying a guilt trip on u. It's not ur job to raise ur mom or protect her from her husband, that is her life and if its that bad in my opinion she ought to leave him and get help from a shelter, the police, other family members, etc. You shouldnt have to stay in one place for her sake when u have ur own life to lead. I think if I were in your shoes I would try to GRADUALLY distance myself from my mom/stepfather. Not emotionally so much as the circumstances, like her watching ur daughter and stuff. Then maybe u can have a more objective talk w/ her about the big picture. And maybe she will take u more seriously. Like I said I havent been in your shoes but I feel for u, it sounds like u r having to deal w/ a lot of stuff right now. Hugs, Rhiannon