Need some feed back on this or...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Need some feed back on this or...
7
Fri, 09-05-2003 - 11:08am
I will explode. I think I have written about this woman before, but it has been a while. DH and I are part of a wine tasting group, really it is just an excuse to get together with some friends and drink wine, although we do play at the wine tasting stuff. Anyway, there is a woman (think skiny, geeky Linda Gray/Barbara Striesand who shuts down any converstaion that isn't about her) who flirts incessantly with DH, in front of me. She flirts with all guys around her age (35 to 45 range), but DH is the only married one of the group that is in her age range, so far, and she really focuses on him. DH is funny and charming, and while he doesn't shut her down, he doesn't flirt back. We have been meeting once a month for a year now, but because it is an academic group (everyone is associated with the college DH teaches at), we took the summer off. We have also been at other social events at which she was present through the year, and while her behavoir wasn't so blatant, it was still there. Last year, she was new to the area.

Some nights have been worse than others, and only one other night have I wanted to beat her to a bloody pulp. That night she pretty much sat on top of DH. I insisted that DH do something about it then, but he didn't (he doesn't like confrontation), and at the next social event (the one previous to this one) she behaved herself. DH and I have been together only five years and we are still VERY territorial with each other. We have come very close to simply avoiding all social contact with her, but we balk at letting her limit us socially.

Last Saturday, I had worked 9 hours plus a 1 hour one way commute after which we went straight to the wine tasting. Fortunatly, there were other guys there who she flirted with, so I handled it pretty well for most of the evening. But, then she was trying to show off cleavage that she didn't have, and I commented. After that, she really turned it onto DH. Finally, I had enough, I told DH that I wasn't happy, and that we would be leaving immediatly. I gave her one of my DIE looks as she cheerily wished us a good evening, and then went off on DH on the way home. He handled it very well, much better than he has in the past, so we talked a lot that night and over the weekend. We came up with a signal that I could use to let him know that things needed to cool down and/or we needed to leave. I also told him that either he took care of it before the next tasting or I would during the tasting.

Tuesday, he passed by her office and she called him in and asked him if his "lovely wife" (she never refers to me by name) was upset with her. DH told her that I thought that she had been too friendly with him at the wine tasting. He told me that she acted like she was a person who had a tendency to put her foot in her mouth, that she couldn't stop herself, and she knew that she had done it again. I don't think we will be having problems in the future. I have noticed with her that she has two ways of dealing with men. Either on a sexual level, or she treats them like a child. She is 37, never been married and I am not surprised.

The problem is that I am not satisfied. It turned out much better than I thought it would, but maybe I still want my pound of flesh. I am still upset with DH that he didn't just shut her down at the beginning, and he lied to her when she asked if she had done something different that night, if there had been a problem in the past. He pretty much told her that it was an isolated incident. I know I should just let it go, but there is a part of me that is really just hurt over the whole thing because rather than deal with any uncomfortableness with her, he let me be incredibly uncomfortable, hurt and upset several times.

Am I being too sensitive, should I just let it go with DH? I know she will say something to me in the future about this, she is stupid that way, how should I respond to her? The next event is about two weeks away. I am honest and up front to a fault, and I am afraid of what I might say.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
Fri, 09-05-2003 - 11:37am
Dear Pamme64,

It sounds as if this woman is at least somewhat civilized, although childish. If you are afraid of what you might say, then prepair some sentences you might say to her ahead of time. If she sits in his lap again tell her, "I am afraid you are in my seat, there are plenty others around here." If you say it playful enough, she might think it's funny, get up and walk away. If I was in your situation, I would interupt her in some way. Go ahead and say, "DH (what does DH mean anyway?????) and I are going to talk with so and so, please excuse us." Be BOLD and charming, she will never see it coming!

Good Luck,

Danielle

Avatar for leslie2353
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 09-06-2003 - 1:12pm
OH Wow! That's another reason why we don't go out to functions such as yours. We're both very jealous, and yes I admit having had an affair, only because he focused too much on work instead of US. But are now making up for it, and both WANTS to remain married. If I flirt and am around w/other guys, there's no jealousies there, or tell me it's making him uncomfortable, but I don't flirt in front of him, because I am not that kind of person. In my earlier married life, DH were invited to company picnics w/out his pregnant wife. I threatened him, now he brings me everywhere he goes! During piano lessons, my kids would learn from someone at work, blond long haired, big cans, single woman. Who continues to work w/her and got promoted as he did. But, it's been 26yrs. I don't even know what she looks like now, but if they're doing secret rendesvous, I don't mind because I know where he is 9-7 and TRUST is what we have.

In order to keep your marriage to remain healthy, and I'm sure your DH likes the attention he's getting from her, you guys either have to find another activity you both enjoy w/out HER. She spells T-R-O-U-B-L-E, and her being single so long means she just wants to HAVE FUN, and / or now ready and willing because her time clock is ticking away.

If I were you, take her aside and tell her: "you come near my husband or even bat an eye to him again, you'll have to answer to ME!" Don't take any more sugar from her!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2003
Sun, 09-07-2003 - 4:55pm
If she sat on my husband, I would have gone over to her right then and there and give her a terrifying eye-contact and say: "what are you blind or something? you're sitting on MY husband. why don't you go see a doctor or else go find a chair! now scram, you dirt bag!"

That dirt bag is testing you, to see if you're a softy. If you let her know you're not letting go of the good thing you have, she won't take advantage and she'll go flirt elsewhere.

Keep your eyes on her at all times! Make her as nervous as you can, make her miserable to make sure she knows she's being WATCHED. If your DH complains, maybe he choosed her over you, don't allow him take sides if he care about keeping your marriage together. Keep an eye on him, too, if he flirts or talk to her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 09-08-2003 - 10:00am
Thanks Ladies, it is good to know that I haven't been overreacting, if anything it seems like I have been underreacting. I really regret that I didn't do something much earlier. I trust DH implicitly, and I would have no problem leaving them alone for any length of time. She is definitly not his type. People like her count on other people being polite and not causing a scene, and really the last thing I wanted was to cause a scene. Most of the people in this group are wonderful and I do not want to make any of them uncomfortable over something stupid like this. Even so, I have shown a great deal of control in not shoving her face into a wall. I really hoped that DH would take care of it on his own, as he should have, but I guess I had to force him to do so. DH told me that she is now distant with him at work, which is a very good sign. I don't think I will have to break her legs any time soon. The best of all possible outcomes would be for her to drop out of the wine group, and I am not the only one to feel this way.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 09-08-2003 - 10:13am
Leslie, I am sorry you have had to deal with infidelity in your marriage, and I am impressed that you both were able to move on. Both DH and I dealt with it in our first marriages, but were unable to move on. Actually, I think we both were happy for a good excuse to get out of those marriages. Thats not the case with our relationship as it is. We are soul mates. We talked about why he let it go for so long, and he thought it was for two reasons: 1. He sometimes didn't realize what was going on until afterwards when I was upset about it, and 2. Maybe he did like the attention just a little bit. The next day, he told me that after he thought about it, he realized how bad it actually was that night, but he didn't realize it at the time, and that he didn't shut her down like he should have.

I really don't know how I will be when/if she tries to apologize. It will depend on how much time has elapsed and my mood. I do know that I am going to set her straight on how long there has been a problem. I do know that I will be polite, but not friendly with her in the future.

Avatar for leslie2353
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 09-08-2003 - 11:40pm
Wait, did you say they work together? She distanced herself? And you trust your DH? It's HER you don't trust. I hope that she got the hint and gone for good out of the picture.

Good luck, and please Pam keep us updated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 09-10-2003 - 10:10am
I trust her about as far as I can throw her. If DH were to give her the nod, she would be a very willing partner, but DH just isn't interested. DH and I are as close as a man and woman can be. Even so, there is this realistic (some people call it cynical) part of my brain that reminds me that there are no gaurantees in the infidelity department, that everyone is suseptible, so I am always watchfull. So, while I completely trust DH, there is that man part of him that I don't trust. In this situation, I am not at all threatened by the possibility of an affair.

They both teach at a small liberal arts Catholic college in different departments. Their offices are in different buildings that are across campus from each other. They see each other when DH is in the building where her office is, which also happens to be the building where his mailbox is and some administration offices are located convieniently close to her office. He passes by and she calls out to him. So far, he has not stepped foot into her office, he instead stands in the door. She actually commented on this after she saw him sitting in the office of another female prof. I would be really upset if she ended up in the building where his office is because there is absolutly no reason for her to make the trip there except to see him.

It will be interesting to see what happens with the wine group. Ironically, we were invited to a good friend's bday party the same night which we really wanted to go to instead, but had already commited to wine thing. We have other social options, I don't think that she does.