Need sum advise

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2003
Need sum advise
Tue, 11-11-2003 - 12:40pm
My mother and I do not seem to have the best of relationships. I have a lot of resentment towards her but at the same time i love her to death. Yet when i am around her i am such a different person and i hate it because the person i am around her is always angry, hurt, and on edge.

I am 18 and i've never been on my own and do not really want to be on my own. BUt i do not think i can live with my mother much longer. I try to do everything to please her and it does not work; she is always angry at me etc.

The college i am applying to guarantees housing but only for this year's applicants. I have to make the decision to either send in my application saying that I want housing or not. Yet i dont know what to do. I am very torn in this decision. I know my mother will feel betray...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2003
In reply to: galaleia
Tue, 11-11-2003 - 1:14pm
It seems that some separation might be good for the both of you. I would try to get to the root of what is causing all the anger. I understand, it's that way with my dad. You can only do so much. Think about yourself and make yourself happy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
In reply to: galaleia
Tue, 11-11-2003 - 1:15pm
You need to send in your application saying you want housing. You can always visit your mother on the weekends. Now is your time to find out who you are, and become independent, you cannot do that living at home.

You will most likely get housing the second year as well, it's just not guaranteed because freshmen get priority. Colleges have "off-campus housing centers" where you can find housing with other people your age from the same college.

My mother was mad at me when I went away to college, I don't know why, she left her parents to go away to college. It's not like I am ever going to abandon her. I talk with her 5x a week. Parents worry incessently about their kids, expect to hear some pretty weird stuff. I got calls at 6AM just to make sure I was safe.

The fact that you aren't able to be yourself with your mom is pretty normal. Try different ways of communicating with her until you find one that works. This takes a lot of time. I am the baby of the family and will forever be 16 in their eyes, even though I am 26, so you can imagine I still get angry sometimes!

take care,


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2003
In reply to: galaleia
Tue, 11-11-2003 - 2:24pm
I definitely think you should go to college and apply for housing.

I'm somewhat in the same situation - I can't be me when I'm at home. The bad thing, just like you, I still live at home. In eight months from now I'm moving to another country so I can't wait for my life to start. I've been putting it on hold until I'll graduate college, which will be next June. And I can tell ya, it's not easy.

So now that you have the chance, do what YOU want and don't let your mom make you feel guilty. It's about YOU and only you. Don't waste those years with putting your life on hold. Go out there and be yourself. Good luck!


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
In reply to: galaleia
Tue, 11-11-2003 - 4:28pm
I was in a similar situation. My mom did not let me move out. I finally did (after arguments).

I wish I would have gone in the dorms. It would have been the best thing for the both of us. You are NOT responsible for your mom's well being. You need to live your life INDEPENDANT of her. And she needs to learn that you are not her life. She needs to learn how to be herself, not just your mom.

You will move out eventually and live your own life. Your mom may feel "crushed", but don't take that guilt. It is NOT your "fault" that you have a life to live. You can try to help the process, perhaps making one night a week a "family night" where you come over to have dinner. Call every other day or so. But don't do it every day. Give your mom a chance to have her own life.

Good luck!

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