need to vent about my crazy Mom & Dad

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
need to vent about my crazy Mom & Dad
10
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 2:57am

I just needed to let this out, if anyone knows how I feel & knows a better way to deal with this please let me know! .... the 18th was my B-day, I'm 27 now....... My Mom & Dad didn't call, didn't send an e-mail, not a thing! My Mom & Dad are a bit odd, they have more tattoos then anyone I know, they go out drinking every weekend, they act like they are 20! well, my Mom had her 1st kid at 17 & my Dad is my step Dad but has lived with us from the time I was 2, he is the only Dad I know & I call him "Dad" he has 3 sons by my mom, they are his only kids, he was 18 when he moved in with my Mom, I was 2, so that makes my Dad only 43 now.. my Mom is 45.. So I know that now that we are all older they are living the life they never had... NOT that they didnt party when we were kids!!!! anyways... my 3 little brothers are 16, 19,

~-~-:Heather:-~-~
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 2:01pm
Happy Birthday!

Sorry to hear about your parents not calling you. If it makes you feel better my father doesn't even know which day my birthday is, and he never calls me. He has six kids, doesn't know their birthdays, and doesn't know their middle names. Makes you wonder what actually his role is in this life. Interestingly, he fought for custody of my sister and I, lost, and decided to give up entirely. Pathetic if you ask me, if he really wanted to be there for us, he would have made it happen. My mother and my BF are the only two who truly make me feel good on my birthday. I really love them for that, and I cherish that. I hope you find peace with them. If I were in your shoes, I would just call them and ask casually ask them what they are doing, remind them it was your birthday, tell them what you did, and tell them that you would love to hear from them on your birthday because they mean so much to you.

good luck

Danielle

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2001
Fri, 11-21-2003 - 12:32am

Happy Birthday!!!


CL for 11 years
Avatar for wisdomtooth2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Fri, 11-21-2003 - 12:18pm
Hi Heather,

It sounds like your parents live in their own little world. It must be difficult to understand their priorities and why the behave the way they do. Why don't you ask your mother why you didn't receive any birthday greetings? See what she says. I would bet if she is playing some kind of game with you, you'll know that pretty quick.

It's OK to tell your mom and stepdad that you were hurt because they didn't acknowledge your birthday. However, I'd take the attitude that all you can do is register your complaint and then step back. I wouldn't expect anything from them including an apology. Only they know what they were thinking.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Avatar for cl_2and1more
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sat, 11-22-2003 - 8:39am

Hi Heather,


I hope that just writing out your feelings has helped you to deal with them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Sat, 11-22-2003 - 2:51pm

that was a really get post, thanks..


I wish that what you said would help, sending my Mom a card or what not, but I have tried to reach out to her over & over for years with no luck, but you are right its up to me to deal with this, change my look on things & such. Just to give you a clue how bad my Mom is at wanting or trying for a relationship, she hasn't been to see HER Mom & Dad in about 8years.. my grandmother who is too old to make the 5hour drive up to see my Mom had paid people a few times to bring her up just to see my Mom, but my granddad feels he cant even make the drive this way so my Mom

~-~-:Heather:-~-~
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2002
Sat, 11-22-2003 - 11:55pm
I'm not gonna tell you to "get over it," but I will advise you to just accept it for the way it is. Doesn't sound like your parents are going to change, so all you can do is change how you deal with it. Stressing out or sitting by the phone all day on your birthday will NOT make them call - it will only cause you to be upset.

So make yourself unavailable to them on your birthday, since they aren't making plans with you anyway. Make your own plans... have a grand time on your birthday, go out with friends, and live it up!

Your comment "they dont care" did bug me, though... I'm not convinced they don't "care" about you just because they don't call on your birthday, or that they don't know where you live. You've moved more than twice (3, 4, whatever) and are currently living with your BF (not in your own home). Nothing wrong with that, of course, but I can maybe see a difference in your parents' view of that, as compared to your married sister who just got her first home (stability, an address that's likely to stick for a while, while your address may change a few more times before you settle down with or without the same BF). Please understand: I'm not being critical of you at all; just trying to shed a little light to help. It's possible that your parents' contact with sis, while seeming to ignore your presence, is simply a celebration of the milestones she's recently reached in her life.

Also, I wanted to say that I am the world's WORST for keeping in contact with those I care about. I can never seem to remember my sister's birthday (get it mixed up with my mom's), and I rarely call my brothers and sister. They are quite upset with me at times. My parents are both dead. For many years now, only one brother and my sister (who never forgets) ALWAYS call me on MY birthday even if I forget theirs. This does NOT mean I don't care about them... I'm just terrible with keeping contact and remembering birthdays. For a long time, none of them knew my address or phone number either - because I moved so often.

Then there's your comment, "I have always wanted a real Mom & Dad that cared about me, its so hard to deal with the fact that I will never have that!" Well, Heather, you DO have a "real Mom & Dad", even if they don't match up to your ideal of what a "real Mom & Dad" ought to be. I'm quite sure that nearly everyone on this planet sees fault in their own parents and wishes they would be some other way. I know, you love them very much and were probably just down in the dumps when you wrote that comment. All I can advise is that you try to focus less on what they DON'T do, and more on what they DO do that shows they care about you.

I think that may be the key in helping you accept their obnoxious behavior - instead of measuring how much they care about you on YOUR yardstick, try to see it from their eyes. You said you love them... there must be some reason for that - in some way, they have shown you they cared, or you wouldn't care anything at all for them. What is it?

Then there's your question, "And how did me & my sis & my big brother turn out ok?" I think this is also pretty common in most families - some of the kids turn out great, and others are a basket-case. I doubt (usually) this has anything to do with the parents, since all the kids in your family were raised by the same set of parents. It's just personalities and personal choices, Heather. The parents aren't to blame for everything that goes wrong with their kids.

An example: My older brother, very traditional values, loving father and husband 30yrs+ to his high school sweetheart, moderately wealthy, stable home life, and father of four: Three of the kids turned out fine, and one ended up on drugs, homeless, then in prison. No explanation why he went off the deep end - except for his own personal choices.

Example two: Another brother of mine has two kids, both grown. When they were little, the boy was always getting into trouble at home and at school, while his older sister was the perfect little angel. She made straight-A's, he struggled and eventually dropped out. She obeyed curfew; he never met curfew the few times he wasn't grounded; she did chores without complaint, but he fought chores every step of the way. Our family used to joke (privately) that she would go far in life and reach her dreams, while sonny-boy would most likely end up in prison. Bottom line: big sister ended up PG right out of high school, got mixed up with the wrong friends along with booze and drugs, lost two marriages before she was 23, and lost all parental rights to her three children because of abuse and neglect. Sonny-boy, however, has completed 2yrs college, is happily married and a devoted father of two, and works as a prison guard.

You just never know how the kids will turn out, no matter how perfect or terrible their parents are.

Anyways, sorry this is so long. I just wanted to give you a different viewpoint. Hope this helps you sort things out and brings you at least a little peace with your family.

Msfit

                  &nbs

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Tue, 11-25-2003 - 2:16am

I do appreciate your post & viewpoint, You said to look at what they DO do or why I love them, I have truly been thinking about this for days. I even asked my sister for help when I couldn't come up with much, I can really say the most my Mom & Dad have done for me is give me life & keep us from being TOO poor. both I am very thankful for & this is why I love my mom & dad .. that's about it, its sad, I know, just so you don't think I am being too hard on my Mom & Dad here are JUST A FEW things that make me feel this way--


-this is my step Dad we are talking about I have a biological father who didn't do anything to me & my sister BUT he did torture my older brother b/c he wasn't his son, he put cigarettes out on him, he put him in very hot water to burn him, he wouldn't change his diaper for days on end, when he was learning to walk my father would trip him & thought this was very funny. my mom lied to cover this stuff up from other family & stayed with him, that is till she meet my step dad & she left my real dad for the step Dad, who was 18 at the time, think Mom would have been 22.


-as a kid ages 4,5,6 years old I remember that I was able to play out side anywhere I wanted, I just knew to be home by dark.. me & my big brother who is 1year older loved to play on the railroad tracks by our house, we lived in a very bad part of town!


-as

~-~-:Heather:-~-~
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Tue, 11-25-2003 - 2:30am
-I forgot one other thing I always thought was so crazy about my Mom & Dad, in high school I found out I needed glasses, they refused to take me to the eye doc. !! I told um I would pay for it! they STILL refused!?!
~-~-:Heather:-~-~
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2002
Tue, 11-25-2003 - 9:49am
I stand corrected. Boy, do I stand corrected! I was appalled at the obvious neglect and abuse your parents (particularly your mother) put you through, and all of your siblings. It's a mystery why child protective services never got involved - your parents must have hid the situation pretty well, or were very good at explaining it away...

In my previous response, I was not aware of the history with your parents and stated that since you love them, there must be reasons... something they did that caused you to love them, blah blah blah... I thought you were just being a picky, selfish, snotty kid who whined just because her parents were a bit wierd and didn't make a big deal for her birthday.

Please, Heather, please accept my sincere apologies. I went back and read my other post, and now think most of it is crap - only the first couple of paragraphs still apply. I am very sorry. Sorry to have made judgements like that without giving you the benefit of doubt, sorry to have stirred up such strong emotions and memories for you and your sister, and sorry I couldn't come over there myself and throw you a great, big birthday party. So no, I don't think you're being too hard on your parents. Quite the opposite - I think you're being way too soft. But that's OK - I can understand, now.

Your mother sounds very immature, selfish, and jealous of you. Yes, jealous. You made straight A's with no help at all, while she dropped out. You and sister bravely avoided drugs and alcohol, while she could (or would) not. I could go on and on... I'm just shocked at some of the tactics she used to try to put you down, even allowing you to die in your bed.

I also grew up with an abusive step-mother (though not as bad as yours), and can relate to your pain. I won't go into it all here, but some of what she did was similar to yours - made fun of my good grades, called me names, ignored serious health issues, etc. One difference, though, I lived with a loving mother until I was 7, and my abusive SM until I was 15. I never cared about this SM and still don't. Many of my siblings hate her. I never wanted contact with her after I was on my own, and thankfully now, I don't have any. You, however, have never experienced a mother's true love... so you still crave it in spite of all you've been through.

A few years ago, in college, I was required to write a paper about how my past and my family culture had influenced who I was today. In talking with my professor later, I wondered how I could maintain a 3.89gpa and never got into drugs and alcohol, heck even stayed out of prison, with parenting like that. I'll never forget her response. She said that only those with high intelligence are able to rise above those influences. As a child to be able to recognize the abuse and not internalize it. To be a survivor even from a very young age. She said that's very rare. You are one of those, Heather.

I read your profile, and found many similarities (just coincidence, but touched my heart): I am also an artist, got married at 19 (didn't work out either), and my favorite movies are Titanic, Shawshank Redemption, and anything Star *Trek*. I'm also impressed that you've read Steven Hawking! I haven't, but now you've got me curious. I'll have to go find that book. I also visited your website - you photograph motorcycles! Do you also ride? (I do.) I loved what you did with the decorative painting (is that your house?) beautiful! And now I know what those doodles are called, that I've been doing since I was a little kid and still do - mandalas. Yours are gorgeous!

I look forward to reading more of your posts, and e-mail too if you want to correspond: Star1art@kc.rr.com

{{{HUGS!}}}

Msfit

                  &nbs

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Tue, 11-25-2003 - 2:44pm

your post made me cry! thanks, you are such a sweetheart, I know its hard to understand what someone is talking about fully from just a few paragraphs. there is no need to apologize!

~-~-:Heather:-~-~