New Friend Issue

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
New Friend Issue
6
Thu, 12-22-2011 - 3:39am

I met a woman about 4 months ago who lives in my area and the two of us have some things in common and could become friends.

Avatar for lizmvr
Community Leader
Registered: 06-06-2001
Fri, 12-23-2011 - 11:12am
If you really enjoy her company most of the time, I'd probably ignore the minor negative comments for the most part, but still realize that she's probably never going to be your best friend. So, don't go to her for moral support when it's really important to you--she's already shown you that she's not the best source of this, and you don't want to set yourself up for further disappointment. If you need a shopping buddy, though, and you two can spend time at the mall that's fun and doesn't involve you both talking much about your family, then be grateful that you've got a shopping buddy.

If you can't refocus the relationship and you continue to feel overly bothered by her negativity, then look for a new friend or spend more time with the ones that you already count on. I don't really see the point in trying to pursue something that you're just wishing would be there if it's not there right now.

Liz


Clinical Research Associate


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Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Thu, 12-22-2011 - 5:32pm
Nobody is perfect and I'm sure if she looked hard enough, she could probably find something about you that bothered her 15 -20% of the time. On that note, I'd advise you to overlook it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009
Thu, 12-22-2011 - 3:21pm
<< Whatsmore, you perceive her differences in lifestyle and opinion as her being negative....sorry, but I don't understand why you believe that feeling different than you is wrong. >>

It's not a matter of "feeling different".

Sadie's new friend is a tactless boob.

I don't like a couple of my friends' kids. They're coming home for Christmas. Would I say something negative? Of course not. Normal people don't.

I don't see "exploring diversity" here, or "pointing out differences". Why would Sadie even care about her negative opinion of her SIL's job situation right now? It wasn't his fault, and her friend needs to shut her trap.

Sadie, life's too short for such negative people if they can't be "reined in." That's the key.

How have you responded to her comments?

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2011
Thu, 12-22-2011 - 11:45am
It sounds like although you mention having a lot of things in common with this woman, you also have some pretty vital differences. I tend to be a pretty upbeat person and I have a really hard time with people that put a negative spin on everything. Life can be tough enough without making everything seem so negative! If I were you I would just keep things as a casual friendship and not count on this woman becoming a close friend. You won't be able to change her nature and if it already bothers you, it will just get worse. Her negativity isn't your doing, it is just her nature and that won't likely change. I had a friend like this in college and I spent 2 years just trying to ignore or pass off her negative snarky comments as nothing because she was a "good" friend otherwise. I learned the hard way she wasn't such a good friend afterall. Most people have a hard time changing their true nature, so evaluate her based on what you see now, not based on how you think you could change her to be. :) Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2010
Thu, 12-22-2011 - 10:50am
I think new friend and issues are key here. A true friendship blooming shouldn't have you posting this type of question in a message board. I myself hate negative people and if I met someone new who even at the lowest percentage of negativity would be too much.

You need to decide why she is already annoying you and whether you deserve a healthier friendship.

San
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2006
Thu, 12-22-2011 - 9:07am
You open by saying that you have a lot in common with this woman and that you could be friends but the rest of your post is about your differences and things you don't like about her. Whatsmore, you perceive her differences in lifestyle and opinion as her being negative....sorry, but I don't understand why you believe that feeling different than you is wrong. Friendships are based on mutual respect and the ability to understand and embrace differences. The fact that she does not have the same priorities as yours does not mean she is wrong or negative, and just because you may not voice how you feel does not mean that you aren't being judgmental or negative. Not all families are close. Not all people have the desire to celebrate the Holidays in a "tradional" manner. Some couples prefer not being "cuddly". Perhaps, instead of being offended when she points out that she feels differently than you, you could take the opportunity to learn more about her and to understand why she feels and thinks as she does. Personally, I enjoy exploring diversity and have found that people who offer a different perspective often open my eyes to new ideas and possibilities as well as giving me a deeper understanding and appreciation for my own life experiences. So, the next time she points out a difference between you, be open to learning more about her. For example, after her comment about holidays/kids, you could respond "Oh, I hope not! Being with my family is really important to me." and then asking, "So, do you have plans for the holidays?" By listening, you may find out what she really enjoys or, perhaps, that she is rejecting the thought of a "family holiday" because she can't have...or has never had. As "they" say, if you want to have a friend, be one...