New - probs with sis and mom... (long)
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|Sun, 04-13-2003 - 9:52am|
I am 36 yrs old and the oldest in my family. I have never been married although I have been in a couple of long term relationships. Over the past 3 years, I have dated but nothing that has lasted more than a couple of months. Most of the time it is my choice to end these relationships. My family desperately wants me to settle down and get married however, I will not settle. I have been really close with my mom and sister all along and have always shared the things that are happening in my life until recently.
I had met someone last October and we started dating. We did have alot in common and our relationship took off fairly quickly. We began hanging out with my sister and her husband quite a bit. He had met my family and had been invited to my mom's for family suppers. By December things were changing dramatically. He began lying to me. I decided to end the relationship after having discussed with him my views about lying. He felt his lies were just "slight exagerations".
Anyways, I decided not to immediately tell my family that this relationship was over. Thought that maybe at some point, it may be worked out. I spoke with my mom and sis several times over the course of the next week or two but never offered any info on my split with BF.
Amost three weeks later I needed to go to XBF's to pick some stuff up that I had left there. While there, he said something about talking to my mom. HUH?!?! I was floored. What was he doing talking to my mom? So I asked and found out that the day I told him it was over, he called my sister and they talked for a couple of hours. Then my sister called my mom and she called him to console him. WHAT?!?!
I freaked. I told him he had no business calling my family. Drove home and called my sister and my mom. Told them I was very hurt by them calling someone that they had known for two months as opposed to calling me. My sis apologized and said that she was just sad because they really liked him. My mom told me I was being ridiculous. I didn't speak with mom for a couple of weeks but we are now speaking and working things through. She is not in contact with XBF at all anymore.
Sis and I spoke for a few days following her apology until I found out she and XBF were still communicating. Again, I called her and told her that this hurt me and I would appreciate them not speaking with each other.
Since all of this happened (almost three months ago) my realtionship with my family has deteriorated. I do speak with my mom but it is only small talk. I don't feel like I can share anything with her about my life without getting judged and being told I am being ridiculous or something. My sister and I were starting to speak again but last week it all came to a head when she accused me of walking out on everyone. And, accuses me of splitting with XBF for no reason (in the end, I never shared with my family details of the split, just that lying was involved). She is still talking with XBF. I stated to her that yes, I have withdrawn somewhat from the family and I have made the decision not to share all the details of my life with everyone because I felt stabbed in the back and needed to work through it.
My sis said a lot of very hurtful things. It kills me is that I am in a great space personally - I have an awesome job and I have been dating a new man for just over two months - and I can't share any of this with them. Thank god I have some close friends. I wrote her a letter stating that I wish we could get past this and that I love her and miss having her in my life. I have had no response.
This whole situation has made me look back over the years and I have come to realize this pattern with my family has been there all along. Whenever I have made a decision that may not be the road they want me to go down, they treat me this way. It goes back to at least 17 years ago when I split with my high school sweetheart. My mom didn't speak with me for a month (and I was still living in her house!) My mom and I usually get back to at least small talk fairly quickly. My sister however is another story.
I am seriously thinking of moving back to where I lived for 10 years as the primary reason for coming back here was my family. My job is transportable pretty much anywhere in the country. Maybe its too soon to consider this but frankly, I am tired of being told how I should and shouldn't live my life and pretending with mom that all is ok.
What are your thoughts?