New - probs with sis and mom... (long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
New - probs with sis and mom... (long)
Sun, 04-13-2003 - 9:52am
A year and a half ago I moved back to my hometown after being away for 10 years. The reason I moved back was primarily to be closer to my family and now I am not so sure that was a great decision.

I am 36 yrs old and the oldest in my family. I have never been married although I have been in a couple of long term relationships. Over the past 3 years, I have dated but nothing that has lasted more than a couple of months. Most of the time it is my choice to end these relationships. My family desperately wants me to settle down and get married however, I will not settle. I have been really close with my mom and sister all along and have always shared the things that are happening in my life until recently.

I had met someone last October and we started dating. We did have alot in common and our relationship took off fairly quickly. We began hanging out with my sister and her husband quite a bit. He had met my family and had been invited to my mom's for family suppers. By December things were changing dramatically. He began lying to me. I decided to end the relationship after having discussed with him my views about lying. He felt his lies were just "slight exagerations".

Anyways, I decided not to immediately tell my family that this relationship was over. Thought that maybe at some point, it may be worked out. I spoke with my mom and sis several times over the course of the next week or two but never offered any info on my split with BF.

Amost three weeks later I needed to go to XBF's to pick some stuff up that I had left there. While there, he said something about talking to my mom. HUH?!?! I was floored. What was he doing talking to my mom? So I asked and found out that the day I told him it was over, he called my sister and they talked for a couple of hours. Then my sister called my mom and she called him to console him. WHAT?!?!

I freaked. I told him he had no business calling my family. Drove home and called my sister and my mom. Told them I was very hurt by them calling someone that they had known for two months as opposed to calling me. My sis apologized and said that she was just sad because they really liked him. My mom told me I was being ridiculous. I didn't speak with mom for a couple of weeks but we are now speaking and working things through. She is not in contact with XBF at all anymore.

Sis and I spoke for a few days following her apology until I found out she and XBF were still communicating. Again, I called her and told her that this hurt me and I would appreciate them not speaking with each other.

Since all of this happened (almost three months ago) my realtionship with my family has deteriorated. I do speak with my mom but it is only small talk. I don't feel like I can share anything with her about my life without getting judged and being told I am being ridiculous or something. My sister and I were starting to speak again but last week it all came to a head when she accused me of walking out on everyone. And, accuses me of splitting with XBF for no reason (in the end, I never shared with my family details of the split, just that lying was involved). She is still talking with XBF. I stated to her that yes, I have withdrawn somewhat from the family and I have made the decision not to share all the details of my life with everyone because I felt stabbed in the back and needed to work through it.

My sis said a lot of very hurtful things. It kills me is that I am in a great space personally - I have an awesome job and I have been dating a new man for just over two months - and I can't share any of this with them. Thank god I have some close friends. I wrote her a letter stating that I wish we could get past this and that I love her and miss having her in my life. I have had no response.

This whole situation has made me look back over the years and I have come to realize this pattern with my family has been there all along. Whenever I have made a decision that may not be the road they want me to go down, they treat me this way. It goes back to at least 17 years ago when I split with my high school sweetheart. My mom didn't speak with me for a month (and I was still living in her house!) My mom and I usually get back to at least small talk fairly quickly. My sister however is another story.

I am seriously thinking of moving back to where I lived for 10 years as the primary reason for coming back here was my family. My job is transportable pretty much anywhere in the country. Maybe its too soon to consider this but frankly, I am tired of being told how I should and shouldn't live my life and pretending with mom that all is ok.

What are your thoughts?



Avatar for heatherjohnst
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Tue, 04-15-2003 - 9:10pm
I know at first this may seem far out.....but, it seems to me that all the contact between your married sister and your ex boyfriend is more than casual chat. I mean, she already knows that it hurts you and doesn't care. Plainly put, there is only one instance where blood is NOT thicker than water. All I'm saying is you should pay more close attention and trust your gut. Sometimes things are not what they seem. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 04-14-2003 - 6:35pm
I understand where you are coming from; I am generally not an unreasonable person but I suppose emotions can sometimes get in the way of being completely reasonable.

I have no problem with xBF and my family staying in contact, the problem is that they are discussing me and ways that he can get back with me.

And as far as the lies (plural) go, they were fairly significant. I talked to him about it and he felt that they were not a big deal (actually he called them exagerations but I failed to see where exagerations came from). One of them had to do with a female caller that he told me was his cousin (she called several times through the week, often when I was there) - it turned out this woman was in fact someone who he had dated on and off over the past few years, not his cousin. Other lies included saying he hadn't been somewhere but then a week later saying he had in fact been there. This was not a one time little white lie situation.

My mom and I are working on our relationship and it is moving forward. My sister and I are not. I have told her I have no problem with her and him keeping in contact I would just prefer that I not be the topic of conversation and that I would prefer that her and I not discuss the relationship any further. That is when she blew up at me. Then I sent the letter. and that is where it still stands.

Thanks for your take on this. You've given me some things to think about.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-14-2003 - 12:05pm
Gosh, I'm so sorry you're going thru this. I know how it feels to be so cut off from a family member, someone you thought you knew, but now it seems like you have no idea who she is. My first reaction was what does your sister's husband think of her communicating with another man?! Especially about something that seems very intimate. I don't really know what advice I would give you, I'd love to hear some of the other's thoughts. I think it's good that you wrote her the letter. Just wait and see if she responds to that first. It sounds like you've done all you can now, maybe just wait for nwo and see what happens. If I can think of any other suggestions I will let you know. Thanks for sharing!



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-14-2003 - 12:03pm
Sorry I know you don't want to here this but I don't think they are the only ones being usreasonable. From the way I read sounds like alot of the tension between you and your family isn't because you broke up with bf but because you expect them to just up and dump a friend because you don't like him.would you stop associating with someone just because your family or another friend doesn't like them or try to keep both of the relationships completely seperate.

Sometimes once you have a bf and start bringing them around your family alot sometimes the family really does like them for who they are instead of just tolerating them to make you happy.I'm sure they would like to see you married and hated the idea of you breaking it off with him, but don't think they would want you to stay in a relationship you weren't happy with.Just like it is unfair of you to be mad at them for speaking to your xbf.I'm sure it would be different if he really treated you bad but as far as they know you dumped him over a lie.

Isn't it possible your dm didn't call to see how your were doing over the breakup to respect your privacy after all you didn't mention it to them until much later.Wouldn't you been just as upset thinking she was prying into your personnel business if she had called.

I know he hurt your feelings and you don't want to be around him,but what do you think about everyone els's feelings. It would be different if they were constantly talking to you about him, constantly on your case to get back with him, or inviting him to family get togethers knowing you will be there or that you wont come knowing he will be there.Then maybe you should think they are picking him over you or meddling with your realtionships, but from your post it doesn't sound like any of this is happening.