No Longer Being Invited to Friend's Functions

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
No Longer Being Invited to Friend's Functions
Mon, 07-30-2012 - 11:05am

Need to vent and maybe get some advice.  I have a group of single friends and about two months ago I invited my best friend who was newly single to join us when ever we get together.  She has really hit it off with this group which I thought was great.  However, I have run into some family issues and have had to cancel a few times on this group.  Basically my brother is in a situation where he is raising four kids on his own so when he needs help I do cancel my plans.  For me family comes first.  Understandly my best friends is getting fraustrated because she just doesn't understand this. 

Last night a picture shows up on facebook of the girls and of course my best friend was with them at a concert.   I am hurt because I am no longer getting invitations.  Maybe I can't complain and just have to accept this but I am angry.  I don't want her to stop hanging out with them at all, I would just like to be included instead of replaced.  I know that this sounds pretty trival but this family situation is extremely diffucult and it seems like my friends are at the point where they are just moving on, not including or supporting me.  :smileysad:

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Mon, 07-30-2012 - 11:57pm

I understand putting your brother and his situation at the top of your list, but it seems your friends aren't there for you.  I like to think friends have each other's back in the tough times, and I can see why you think you're just being left behind.  I was in the same situation after my father passed away and my daughter and her family bought the house next-door to us and invited my mother who had the beginning stages of Alzheimer's to live with them.   I felt I should be as involved as possible in the care of my mother since they had given her a home and a family to live with, so I did the same thing as you.  I cancelled out on plans with friends because I had to help with Mom...and I didn't call my friends as often because I was busy with Mom and her needs.  When I went out to lunch, it was with Mom to give her a chance to get out of the house instead of me getting together with friends.  As time went on, I discovered my friends had, by necessity and by my neglect, moved on.

That may seem unfair, but it really isn't.  When we make choices to help out family...and I agree helping out family is important...we tell our friends that they're second in our lives.  And, we tell ourselves that WE don't matter...that WE don't need to do good things for ourselves...that we don't need our friends.  All our efforts go into helping out our family member in need. 

My advice to you is to talk to your friends and tell them you realize they may not understand your choices of late and that you want them to know they're still important to you...and then make plans and don't cancel them. 

Make time for YOURSELF with your will make helping your brother in his situation more palatable.  No matter how much we love family, there will come a time when you start to resent what you've lost because you gave up "everything" to be there for the family member.  Don't get into that position.  If you plan a get together with your friends maybe one time per month and refuse to cancel, it'll be good for you, for your friendships and maybe even good for your brother letting him know you see him as a capable man able to handle his own children without your intervention. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2010
Tue, 07-31-2012 - 9:50am
I'm confused...why are you giving up so easily???

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2011
Tue, 07-31-2012 - 8:33pm

If they can't support you through a difficult time then perhaps the friendship is not what you thought.  They can replace you, and you can replace them : find other friends.